My husband found some imms on his computer where I was joking with my ex in a perverted manner.?

Question

My ex and I talked about our relationship and stuff. It was a bit explicit. My husband is angry and says that its over. Thing is, he's said it millions of times before and always comes back. His best friend is in town from college and he is staying at the friends folks place. We have a 7 mo old together. I admit 100% guilt for this. I had no business talking to my ex. My husband said that I am not to be trusted anymore and that I am scum.
1. Could this fight have been started because his friend is in town and I told him I dont want him around that guy?
2. Do you agree that it was wrong to up and leave and abandon his son and myself on a whim, as in he should have communicated with me
3. Do you think he will actually divorce or can this be worked out?
I feel so bad please don't judge me. He had neglected me for a guy friend the night we got home from vacation and I just wanted someone to talk to and the convo just shifted to the past.

I have cut off all contact permanently with my ex. We are no longer friends. I never saw him as anything else than a friend.

Answer 1

1. This might have added to the flames of the fire which was already burning .. in other words, he may not have liked what you said about his friend .. and it irritated him worse than he was already irritated.

2. He should have stayed ... however, if he is so fed up with the marriage for whatever reason - he was ready to go, and it is what he wanted to do because he wants out - or at that moment he thinks he does anyway.

3. It can be worked out ONLY if he is willing for it to be worked out. If he does not want to work it out, and if he already wants a divorce - then he will go for the divorce. No one knows what he really wants but himself.

We all make mistakes - and we all need forgiveness .. but he has already told you it is over. Just give him time to cool off .. and time to maybe not be as mad any more .. and see what he tells you then.

Let him come to you. Sooner, or later - he will be in touch with you.

Answer 2

Let's just re-hash what you've said. You were instant messaging your ex, obviously behind your spouse's back. You talked about your relationship, breaking the privacy of your marriage, and were sexually explicit in what you said to your ex.
Just how many messages were there, and over what sort of time span? One only, or several over months?And why would you do that with an ex anyway? What other problems do you two (hubby and you) have that you should have done that in the first place?
Then you tell us that you didn't want him talking to his guy friend who was in town, well how do you think he felt when he found out you were talking to your ex, and talking dirty too?
Did you husband over react? Perhaps, but we don't know all the facts here. Have you cheated in the past? Then he might take this as you initializing another affair, and then you do deserve what you got.
You have made him both angry and hurt, and you say, although you admit to doing the wrong thing, that he had no right to leave? What did you think he would do? And why do you think you deserved better, when you weren't being a"better" person for him?
Time to assess why YOU acted the way you did, and whether YOU are willing to make it up to him, because it seems that it was definately your actions that precipitated it.

Answer 3

Ask yourself if the roles were reversed would you be reasonable? If it walked like a duck and quacked like a duck. Wouldn't you think it was a duck?

He knows what he saw. He saw IM's between you and an Ex, which is a big no no in the first place. Those are doors that should be closed and forgotten. Even if you are friends you were out of line to discuss anything intimate whether it was joking or not. He saw what he saw and of course anybody would assume you were having an affair with your ex. That is all guys biggest fears. You could try to have people agree with you on this to win your argument. The fact is you have to cut this relationship with this ex to prove to your husband it was nothing. Then you have to gain his trust back. Apologize, admit it was wrong even if you didn't see it that way. You hurt the man you were suppose to be married to and loved. That loyalty should be to him. Of course he didn't abandon your son. He is just letting you sweat it out for hurting him so much. He was visiting a guy friend for one night. You were looking for attention from an ex-boyfriend. Marriage isn't about attention 24/7. Its about commitment, loyalty and trust.

Answer 4

I hate to say it, but your husband has EVERY right to up and leave. He didn't "abandon" his child-- stop putting it like that. If you divorce, your son WILL know that it was YOUR fault for talking sex with an ex. He left you-- because right now you disgust him. Can you blame him? He doesn't and shouldn't trust you. You can't keep an ex in the past and you are married with a 7 month old. Trying to put the blame on his friend is crap. You have no leverage in this argument. This could be enough to divorce you. Sorry, but you may have some consequences for your actions.

Answer 5

You are so wrong....Apologize and let him know you will never jeopardize your relationship again. This fight didn't start because of hubby's friend, it started because you lost touch with the fact that you are married. I agree that you're not to be trusted. I don't think he has abandoned you and "his son". Why did you refer to your (both of you) son as "his"?
I would have left you too, just to cool off. You have broken a trust that will take a lot of time to rebuild, that is if he's willing.

Answer 6

Well Im sure he is very hurt by this. You shouldnt have done that, but are you 100% that you wont do this again ? If not then you should let it be over .
Just because you have a baby with him doesnt mean he HAS to stay with you . As long as he is still taking care of his responsibilities to his child .

You cant blame him for walking out on his family, that was YOUR fault.

Answer 7

1) Aren't you a prize. You lay down rules about who he can see and then pull a stunt like this?
2) You want to blame him for the poor timing of your stupidity?
3) He spends an entire vacation with you and you can't amuse yourself for one evening without having the attention of "any" man?
Nice try using the child as a weapon already. Love that word "abandoned" when a woman like you spits it out!!

Answer 8

Don't make excuses for yourself. You are just plain wrong. Who cares if he went to see a friend the night you got home from vacation? You talked dirty with an EX and your husband now knows.

You are in serious trouble.

Answer 9

What I don't see in your text is anything indicating that you will NEVER talk to your ex again. It clearly makes your husband upset and you were way off-side. End this.

Yes - brinkmanship is wrong, threatening to leave you for good is wrong. As for leaving you in the heat of the moment, that shows good judgement as he was obviously (and understandably) upset.

Don't turn this around on him and say that it's because his friend is in town - this is on you. Period.

Can this be worked out? That's up to you and your husband.

Answer 10

Wrong of you to do with ex unless he had an idea you were doing this. He got mad and left was ok but he should come back and talk to you about this. need to talk and find out what each of your boundies are. I let the wifey talk to some on line because she get hot and is ready to come to bed. But this is really about what works for the two of you and you need to talk about that.