Why do Mothers...?

Question

This is probably more of me just venting then a question. So I had my little boy a month ago today and I feel like since the day he was born it's been me and him all the time. I'm not saying I don't like spending time with him because I do, it's just sometimes I would like to be able to go shopping without him. You would think I'm a single parent but I'm not. Every day I do the same thing, wake up and take care of the baby and even when my bf does get home, he cares for him until he cries or needs something. I wake up in the night with him, while my bf just sleeps, I mean I understand he has work, but he's a father first! When I want to go do something without him and the baby, he makes a big deal about it and ends up coming alone. It's not like I want to go party or anything like that, I just want 15 minutes to myself sometimes!


my questions are: Why do mothers spend the most time with their children while the father is free to do whatever he wants when he wants?

Answer 1

In my opinion ... it's primarily biology.

Mothers are solely responsible for sustatining the life of a child while it is in its gestational phase, supposed to sustain life solely through breastfeeding during at least the first 6 months to a year (preferably beyond)... so dads, partners, grandmas, siblings, etc... should be secondary caregivers. They're supposed to be mothers' helpers.

I agree that it sucks sometimes. I didn't want to go party either - but 15 minutes to take a shower AND shave my legs would have been fabulous.

But we do what we're supposed to do as mothers, sounds like you already know it's worth it, even if some days it's a little frustrating.

Maybe tell your boyfriend how you're feeling, not in an accusing tone, but just in a "I'm feeling really overwhelmed with caring for the baby all day, I need a tiny bit of me time every day"... arrange a time each night that you do get a half an hour where you can lock yourself in your bedroom to read or do your nails or take a bath and unless there is an emergency he's not allowed to knock on the door!! If you're breastfeeding, you probably have an average time your baby feeds each night - right after that feeding you get to clock out of your job for a 30 minute break.

And don't ever feel bad about how you're feeling either - it's totally normal!!

Answer 2

First you have to understand that he doesn't do things he wants all day long, he's at work. And I am no in anyway shape or form demeaning being a mother. I totally understand that you NEED time to be yourself. And just as you need to understand that he is working all day, he needs to understand that so are you, but you don't get to leave the office after 8 or 9 hours. You are stuck there. Looking at the same walls day after day after day!!!

You guys need to sit down and talk about this. He needs to understand the difference between being a house wife and a stay at home mom. Have your mom or his take the baby while you discuss this so you can have some time without distraction. This is essential. maybe make up a schedule of when he will watch the baby and give you some free time and you do the same for him. If he doesn't abide by this agreed upon schedule then perhaps counseling is needed just to work this glitch out.

Parenting is a shared responsibility.

Answer 3

Unfortunately that has been happening since the dawn of time! My husband was an exception. He worked shifts and had odd days off during the week. If he did not have to work the next morning, he would get up at night with our daughter and change and feed her. He would also care for her when I wanted to go shopping or get out of the house. Obviously, he was the exception, not the rule.

Some men are very intimidated by a small baby, they are scared to death they are going to hurt the little thing! Sit down with your BF and ask that he get up with your son at least one night a week to give you a bit of a break. Also, ask him if he would mind watching the boy while you go do the grocery shopping or hit the mall for an hour or so. Don't be confrontational about it, just explain your need to have a little alone time. I think he should be able to watch your son for 1 or 2 hours a week and get up one night a week to help you out. I don't think that is unreasonable at all.

Answer 4

Welcome to the 100 day blur where it seems like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you have no time for yourself to relax or do anything, even mundane chores without this baby strapped to you.

My hubby took off with the baby when he was only 3 days old so I could get some rest. He lasted 2 hours before he brought the baby home and then didn't stay alone with him for probably another 2 months. The only reason why is because I got other people to talk to him about me needing a bit of time here and there on my own. Then he complained that all the baby did was cry. I laid into him that the reason why the baby cried is because he has never spent time alone with him and so the baby was freaked and the only way that would change is if Daddy sucked it up and spent more alone time with baby until he stops crying. Thankfully hubby chose to suck it up and now I can run out occasionally and neither of my babies freaks out about it being the two of them.

Why does it seem like Mommy's are the only ones who take care of children? Societal norms, it's what's "expected" of us, Daddy feels he works to provide for family and your job is to be the Mommy (but they forget we don't get holidays, and paid vacations and lunch breaks and coffee breaks). Most of the time though, Daddy just doesn't realize that Mommy's can get overwhelmed and need a break.

Sit down and talk to hubby. See if you can arrange a dedicated time for you where he watches the baby and you get out for an hour or so on your own. See if you can get him to take on just a few more household chores to give you a break. OR he can give you more money so you can hire a babysitter and a house cleaner once or twice a week for an hour or two. And then there's always my personal favorite - leave him alone with the baby for a weekend, even just overnight. Once my hubby spent about 6 hours the one day when I had stuff to take care of that I couldn't take the baby with me, he was a lot more helpful as he realized the amount of work it takes to care for a baby. Of course that lasted about a week before he fell back into old habits but it sure was a nice week.

Now though, he's working funky shifts and not getting much sleep and when home he doesn't have much awake time so I don't bug him too much. My ability to leave baby with anyone has been curtailed anyways because stranger anxiety has begun and he freaks if I go out of sight when someone he doesn't know is around.

Just remember, as soon as things get all settled and sorted into something you can handle, it will all change. Welcome to motherhood!

Answer 5

That is the question of the decade. You are not alone. You can get burn out just like anyone else. Talk to your bf and say that you didn't make this baby by yourself. Ask him what would happen if you were to get terribly sick (God forbid) and he had to take care of him 24/7? Something to think about. Baby needs to bond with daddy as much as mommy. Also if you have any family near, take advantage of that. PLAN a day where you have a start time and end time. Go out by yourself or go with a girlfriend to get coffee or shop till you drop. You will find yourself thinking about your baby and missing him. Give dad the "key" info- what to do if your baby cries and what works. And then turn on your heel and leave. Don't be available for bf to hand the baby back to you. HE WILL SURVIVE. BF needs to get over himself. This will do a world of good for you, and give BF a taste of what you go through everyday.

Answer 6

Well, going to work 40 (or more) hours per week isn't exactly all fun and games, so give men a little bit of slack. Its all about negotiating what you need. Find a time when you are both free and the baby's down and talk about it. Perhaps he needs 30 minutes after getting home from work to wind down, then he can plug into the family and take the baby off your hands for a half an hour. Maybe it means that solo shopping trips for you can't be impromptu but need to be written on the calendar so he knows what's expected of him. But right now he's the one in the comfort zone, so he's not going to be the one to bring up scheduling changes.

Answer 7

most mothers do end up spending the most time with the children, but in my case the father is not free to do whatever he wants lol.

when my hubby gets home he takes over most of the duties. when i give the baby a bath he dresses him and plays with him until it is time for him to sleep, we both do that.

on his days off he takes care of him while i go out and run errands or go shopping. sometimes i even feel bad leaving him but he always insists i go out and have ME time.

i am guessing im lucky, because i know of many other mothers who "do it all." i think you need to talk to him about this. he can gradually start to help you out. im sure he has days off, he should help more on those days. being a parent is a 24 hours job. he needs to take a little bit of that time =) good luck & congrats!!!

Answer 8

Unfortunatly, the women got the uterus, and the boobs with milk, and those undeniable nurturing skills. That is why Mommy spends most of the time with the baby. Think about it for the past 9/10 months that baby has been with you round the clock. Don't be so quick to throw the baby at daddy or anyone else, that baby needs you. Although i don't think daddy is free to do whatever he wants, (it sure does feel like it though), he is probably thinking the exact opposite. Yall need to talk, (or scream), whatever works. If you need 15 mins that bad, secure the baby, with or without daddy, and go take 15 mins. Mommy needs to be calm for baby to be calm.

Answer 9

Sometimes it depends on how forceful you are and what you require of Dad. This is not to say that your bf isn't doing anything wrong...he very well probably is. But what I'm saying is...sometimes you have to practice the "abandonment" rule.

When my daughter was just a few weeks old, I'd often "abandon" her w/ my husband for 30-45 minutes and just go walk the aisles at Target or the grocery store. I'd be sure she was nursed and changed and all that before I left and then he'd come home and I'd say, "oh good, you're home. I need to run to Target/grocery store. She just nursed so she's good." Then I'd walk out the door. I took my cell phone and if/when he called I let it go to voicemail. If it was urgent, he'd leave a message or call right back again. Never was it.

Over time, he got really good at caring for her all by himself. But it was not b/c I asked him, but b/c I forced him to. I knew he was fully capable and I knew she couldn't be hungry and I was not gone long enough for her to get hungry. It was good for him, good for her, and REALLY good for me.

I'm a pretty bossy person though and my husband is pretty passive. So a lot of times...all I had to do was tell him what I needed him to do and he did it. In the middle of the night it was, "Please go get her and I'll nurse her and get her back to sleep."

I never, never, never let anyone get away with saying, "oh you're husband is babysitting?" NOPE! He's FATHERING! What do I do all day? Babysit? Nope, I mother. Therefore, he fathers!

Good luck, girl!

Answer 10

I was a single mom for the first four years of my oldest daughter's life. During that time I finished college and grad school (on loans) and supported the two of us by working as a nanny or in a childcare center so I would always be with her. When I needed a break, I had an amazing group of friends I could call on to help (no nearby relatives other than non-envolved father).

When I had my second child I was married and had the expectation that it would be easier-soooo wrong. He tried pulling the same crap as your boyfriend. I weathered the lack of support through my maternity leave, but when I went back to work we had a talk. Every married woman I talked to told me to expect baby steps--not from my baby but from my husband. INSANE!

Unfortunately for him, I wasn't content with his slow improvements and it came to this....

For me, I know that being a single mother is easier than the alternative. When you are in a relationship you have expectations of your partner and when you aren't in sync with your expectations you have to put energy into getting there with him that can leave you even more drained.

This is what I had to tell him and it worked! 4 kids later, we rotate so we each get quality one-on-one time with the kids, one night on one night off baby duty, dinner prep, etc.

So tell your bf you have it from a good source, it would be easier to do it all on your own without him in the picture, then all on your own with him there!