Adivce about my hubby?

Question

Been together 20 years
I love him
I believe he loves me
He's depressed
He doesn't work
He's becoming very passive agressive
Doesn't do his share any more (I work, he doesn't)
Children involved, not teens yet
He's got a chronic and expensive illness
No passion, no sex
Don't sleep together any more
He spends all day sleeping and most of the night on the computer doing first shooter games
He used to be addicted to online porn. I don't think he does this much any more if at all. That's really when I stopped feeling passionate towards him.
Used to help with parenting, now pretty much disengaged
I fear he's suicidal
He's becoming more outwardly angry
He has never hit or abused me. He has never really even yelled at me.


I feel responsible for him. He can't survive without me. No job skills. No insurance.

I committed to him for life when we married.

He's very depressed and unhappy with his life, but doesn't seem able to change...

What would you do?

Just a few more details:
He's on antidepressants
He's an insomniac, but I think it's self induced because of his nutty schedule
His health condition means he cannot be counted on by an employer to make it to work or to meet specific schedules. He'd get fired at some point for missing work. I tried to help him start an internet business, but he hated it... :-(

I appreciate all the inputs very much. I know I'm an enabler. Just not sure what to do about it since he seems to need so much help.

:-(

Answer 1

I am so sorry your life has come to this place. He as a man feels as though he should be the provider and take care of his family but due to the illness, he cannot. He probably feels less of a man for this. I've had experience with the other half and internet porn so I feel your pain. Maybe you can find things that you absolutely need his help with; start with small things like opening jars and then lifting things. I know you have experience doing this all yourself but it will slowly get him back to normalcy. Find ways to make him do anything at all. If he feels needed and necessary, it will help with the depression. He may need to seek medication as well. Good luck.

Answer 2

Do what you can to help him Suggest that he get counselling and if he does do what you can to support him and help him through it

If he's got a chronic illness a lot of the depression could be linked to that

He may be frustrated that he's not able to do a lot of what he used to be able to do

He May Need to See His Doctor His Doctor May Be Able to help Him

Sex is not the only thing

20 years is a long time to throw away

Good Luck

Been there it May be a long road but it's worth it

Answer 3

First and foremost. Congrats to you on sticking by him. Your vows were IN SICKNESS and in health. Most people would hang up the towel.


I would take him to a doctor. he needs help. I am also fearing he is suicidal. I witnessed my dad attempt it. he only took pills. Nothing really strong enough to do him in but it could have tore his stomache up. It is not something you want or need your kids witnessing or finding. I would really work on getting him better that way first. What ever his chronic illness is, he needs to learn how to lcope with it. I know that sounds bad and I'm sorry but he needs to learn. That I would think would be the first step. He is going to need your support and your love to get through it. I am sure you will be able to do that for him. Seems like you are a strong willed person and love him very much.

Lastly, If he is not willing to help himself. Then wether he can live with or without you, You would need to take your kids and leave. They don't need to be in that environment. Best of Luck

Answer 4

I would guess that being a man, he is not able to provide for his family and also being sick may be whats depressing him. He may feel like his in the way. You know that's what most men pride themselves with, bringing home the bacon and all that stuff. This is a hit to his ego. But you may need to get counseling together, this way your giving him support and professional help. It sounds like he used to be an all around guy, but he just going through something. Good Luck

Answer 5

Geesh this is tough... but, if I were you personally i wouldnt put up with that. u are NOT responsible for him..he's using u as his crutch and ur letting him do it. sometimes the only way to make someone stand up on there own is to pull the rug out from under him and make him stand on his own two feet... hes prolly depressed bc being home all the time not workin or contributing makes a person feel useless in turn that makes u feel bad about urslef...gettin a job would be the best thing that ever happened to him..and he owes that to u and ur family. u cant stay with someone bc u are afraid they wont 'make' it without u BC someday u will resent him and things will end anyway!!! talk to him...have him see a doctor..talk to a theropist...tell him he must look for a job, contribute...
its not easy but u teach people how to treat u, and ur teaching him that its o.k....
best of luck

Answer 6

You need to go with him to the best psychiatrist and get a diagnosis. He is mentally not well. With the proper meds and therapy, life for both of you can be much better. Also, you don't say what the chronic illness is that he suffers from, but that probably plays a major role here. I wish you all the best.

Answer 7

It sounds like he is very depressed. The next time you take him in for treatment for his chronic illness or before if you can, tell his doctor what is going on. My mother has bouts with depression and these are some of the symptoms she gets. Antidepressants can work wonders.

Answer 8

20 years married .. i take it your both in your 40's he isn't that old.... sounds like he is totally in a depressive state .. if health reasons prevents him from going outside ! then that is a problem. if not he needs a hobby ... walking , golf anything outside . he needs sunshine !! if he is way over weight which prevents that as well .. then some kind of indoor exercises like treadmill or weights .. your making it way to easy for him. tell him he needs to make arrangements with someone else to care for him .. because your tired of it.. little steps !! get him a wii game system so atleast he can move around on the computer... your lucky he isn't a drinker .. that would suck ! tell his brother to take him out for awhile ... you need a break !! good luck . ignoring him isn't gonna get it done ...

Answer 9

First off...is he getting any professional help for his depression? There may be medication to help him regulate his moods. If wouldn't hurt for you to see someone for support as well. Living with someone who suffers from depression is difficult for the entire family. You have a right to be happy as well and to have your needs met. Try marriage counseling or talking with your pastor (if your religious). I understand you committed to him and that you feel responsible for him, but you also have a responsibility to your children. How is this affecting their lives?
Good luck.........

Answer 10

Help him find a job and help him off to work. The more he works and makes a check the better he will feel that he is helping out. Then the rest will come around.