I had an online fling with another woman and cut it off when my wife found out...?

Question

I felt I was being pushed away and had nobody to turn to. I fell for another woman when she was there for me and attempted to help me through my issues, however when my wife found out she finally showed some emotion towards me and let me know how she really felt. This was a first in several months. She has made several demands of me which I have met all of, however she has started doing several things which she knows bother me and she laughs and tells me she does not care when I ask her to stop (like smoking, it makes me ill to smell the smoke on her) it seems like she takes pride in it. I tell her I do love her and she only nods. We have 3 children and I do love her very much, but I feel like she is doing things that she knows will hurt me just to get back at me or push me away.
Also, I work, she stays at home with our son while our daughters are in school. I have a crazy schedule so I cant be home all the time, which adds more stress on me. I need help! Stay or Go?

Answer 1

This is a tough one. Seems like your wife is pushy and not affectionate. She sounds like she is upset about her life and you are her scapegoat. Perhaps you can tell her to get a part-time job. She sounds like she has nothing better to do. I know raising kids is a full-time job already but perhaps she needs to get out and interact with adults her age.

Answer 2

It can be disconcerting when it seems that no matter how hard you work at something, it never seems to get better. The truth is, there are probably so many underlying surprises that you don't see, that your relationship with your wife has turned into a confusing, mysterious puzzle that seems can never have a solution; but it's there.

My advice to you would be to see a couple's therapist, and your biggest obstacle in that regard is either admitting that you need it, or convincing your wife to go. If you are not of a religion, then a couple's therapist or otherwise is available to you at a fee.

If you are of a religion, Christian or otherwise, then I would suggest seeing a pastor (or other) with a degree in therapy, which a lot of them do. Just remember if you see a religious therapist, then you will be taught biblically, such as loving sacrificially, and that divorce is not an option.

It is my hope that you and your wife become happy together in your marraige, and the next time you feel you need to out yourself emotionally, that you can turn to her.

Answer 3

I hate people playing games. Stop tell your wife you where wrong, that you have done what she asked and is now trying to push to see how far she can push. Tell her straight out that you both need to go to counciling to find out what the bottom problem is so you can work through them. If she cares she will go , if not I say stay and raise your kids, even if you have to move your room in with your son. That will let her know that you are there if she wants to make it better, but if she doesn't then you will raise your children and then be out.

Answer 4

It takes two to make a marriage work. Very difficult with lifes ups and downs to keep all in balance. Your choice has made change and changes must be made to counter your choices and bring back balance. If you love your wife and she loves you, time will heal all wounds but not with out work , understanding and lots of good old fashion communication. My wife and I have been very happily married for just over 21 years now. We have had many ups and downs, but have always wanted to be together forever more then anything we have encountered. Trust is hard to win back once lost or compramised.

Answer 5

She quite had an affair. might it experience like an affair if she has a fling with yet another guy? How a pair of transsexual? the place do you draw the line? If she's sexually in contact with yet another, be it guy, woman, or hell even a goat, then she cheated on you. It quite bothers me while human beings attempt to justify inexcusable habit by announcing that it wasn't cheating because of the fact it grew to become into with yet another woman.

Answer 6

you should of tried to talk to her first before you went to seek another woman for comfort. as far as her smoking knowing that it pisses you off, yes that is wrong, however that does not out weight what you were doing. your talking to other women is technically cheating, so its so what that she is smoking and you don't like it because its obvious that no one wants to be cheated on and played like how you did her and you did it. and now she is suppose to continue and do what you want and respect her wishes when you been unfaithful all along.
i understand that the work load gets to you and what not but you should of spoke with her to tel lher how you felt so that then you guys could of worked on it. it isnt easier being a stay at home mom either you know. as far as whether or not you should stay keep in mind that after all of that your wife didn't threaten to leave but now you are. remember, never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one that she loves and when that happens where will you be? wit no one.

good luck

Answer 7

It always amazes me that the one who went off the rails gets to decide when "enough is enough". You decided to have an emotional affair, now you want to decide that you have done enough to make up for it too. Why? Were you the one that was hurt? Were you the one that was cheated on? Were you the one who had to deal with all that? NO, that was her.
Perhaps she's trying to test you, see what you are willing to do to "put up with" to make it up to her. Perhaps the hurt runs deeper than you know. Perhaps you hurt her belief in herself, made her doubt her selfworth? You say you are so busy at work, but you made time for an affair. Perhaps if you had devoted that same amount of time and attention on her, she wouldn't have felt so disconnected with you?

Answer 8

You f'd up by allowing yourself to be drawn into an internet relationship. Consider that to be an affair of the heart and your wife is prolly very hurt from it.
You have to make the effort to fix what is wrong with your marriage if it is important to you to keep your family together.

Once you begin working on your marital issues, you can work on her smoking but do not confuse the two issues.

Answer 9

Confront her. From what you've described, she's angry as hell at you for your unfaithfulness as she well should be but she's retaliating a bit too forcefully. in your confrontation let her know that you deeply regret your fling (whether you do or not) and make sure she knows that her behaviors towards you are intolerable considering the workload you have described. Make sure she knows that you are the breadwinner of the house and that should she continue acting the way she has you will leave her to carry the weight you've been carrying from your job.
Good luck, man. I wish you the best.

Answer 10

You had an affair and now you think your wife isn't treating you right... If i was her you wouldn't even be there... so what if she is doing things that you don't like..... You betrayed her and her trust.. sorry, shes hurting.. she is just reacting to your actions... You made your bed... if it has lumps so what... good luck to her trying to raise kids with a man she can no longer trust or respect... You need to stay be a man and take your responsibilities. if she will allow you too...

Answer 11

It's hard to quit smoking. Couldn't you pick something else, like spending more time with you, cleaning more, cooking more...
You really messed up and now she has control. If she didn't feel distant from you before, she surely does now. You have to be patient and wait for her to trust you again, and you have to prove yourself all over again. You're lucky she didn't just completely dump you after you betrayed her like that.
I agree the man has to wear the pants, but that doesn't mean the man can cheat. If you hadn't cheated already, I would fully agree with putting your foot down on her. It's just not realistic now after making the mistake you made.