I CANT TAKE IT!!.someone help please...?

Question

have you even been 15 years old.. and your parents lied to you about something really serious..
im in the middle of my GCSE's and im stressed and depressed like hell!!! someone help..

my mum is an alcoholic.. i went out.. she told me she hadnt been drinking, i could tell by her movement she had been. then she picked my 11year old cat up and wouldnt let go, my cat doesnt like being picked up any more.. and i screamed at my mum to put her down.. when she finally did the cat ran out of the room and i followed..
she doesnt understand what she is doing!!
its getting really bad.. she hasnt been sobar for days!! she promised me a year ago that she would cut down. but she isnt ;'(
its been happening since i was about 5... she went away about 7 years ago but it didnt work :(
she wont stop, she cant stop!!
and i cant handle it any more!!... when i went to a sixth form meeting at school.. 2 of my friends even asked me if my mum had been drinking... its embarrasing!!.

i talk to her about it.. but because she is always drunk she doesnt listen :(
its been for like 10 years of my life ive been suffering like this!.. its really hard....

me my brother and dad have all stuck by her..
my dad has stuck by her for all the years its been happening, yes she is covering up depression, she has been to counciling.. but shes got an emotional scar she thinks drinking will make it go away..

Answer 1

What a horrible situation for you, and I am so sorry you have been having to deal with this for such a long time.

I am not a teenager any longer, and it has been a long time since I was, but I still remember what it was like, how difficult teenage life is in the best of circumstances, let alone under these, and I raised eight teenagers myself, so I do a bit of what you are experiancing.

I also want you to know that four of my children have a biological mother who is a drug addict, and has been not only all of their lives, but while she was pregnant with each of them she refused to stop using. My children not only have to deal with the birth issues of her using while she was pregnant with each of them, but all the emotional trauma of her flitting into and out of their lives, making promises she rarely, if ever kept.

She has been in prison on numerous times, and managed to stay clean up to getting off of parole, and then she would resume her drug use. She always told us that she would never stop using for any reason other than getting off of parole, so she could stay out of prison.

So, I have nursed my children through some pretty tough times, and do understand where you are coming from.

This is an extremely difficult situation. It isn't as simple as some might wish to think, and say in their ignorance to just turn her in to child protective services. Teenagers should never be in a position of having to decide to turn their own parents in to the authorities, and it is scary to think what it would be like to be put into a foster home, maybe away from all of your friends, and away from the area you grew up in.

Not only that, but to have to live with turning a parent in is something no young girl should have to deal with. It is just not something that is easy or simple, and should never be put on a teenagers shoulders or soul.

I know how much you love your mother. You can be as angry as you possibly imagine one could be, and still love your mother with all of your heart and soul. It isn't about not loving her that is hurting you so badly, it is the fact that you love her so deeply, and feel helpless and betrayed by her at the same time.

There isn't any quick fix for this situation. All you can really do is find people who you trust to support you through the next few years until you are ready to leave home. I will not tell you to turn your own mother in to the authorities. That is something only you can determine is something you need to do or can live with. You do have rights, the right to be a child without such a burden on your heart and shoulders. A right to live in peace and have adults in your life who you can trust and count on. A right to have your basic physical and emotional needs met. However, none of these rights are being met for you right now. And that is simply sad.

It sounds as though you have been depending upon yourself for a very long time. I understand how you want to believe your mother when she tells you things will be different, will be better. I don't doubt that your mother loves you, the sad fact is that she is selfish in her alcohol addiction and is not thinking of you when she chooses to drink. The sad fact is that when she began drinking to alcoholic measures, her emotional developement was stunted.

You say it has been at least ten years. You are fifteen, so it is possible you simply were not old enough to be aware she had a serious drinking problem at five years old. If, in fact, it has been these past ten years alone, she stopped developing emotionally, and maturly at the age she was then. These past ten years have not given her the normal additional growth she would have achieved had she not began drinking as she did.

This means, and I am sorry to tell you this, that if she never stops her patterns of drinking, one day you will exceed your own mother in your wisdom and maturity levels when you reach at least one year older than she was when she began drinking in excess.

You are going to live with the consequences of her choices for the rest of your life. You will never have the mother you would have had if she hadn't begun drinking as she has. You will not only never receive the mothering you deserve and are entitled to as her daughter, but, you may also one day have to parent her. This is a choice you will need to make one day in your future. Whether or not you wish to allow her to use and abuse you your entire life, to come to totally depend on you and your husband one day, and have a simular affect upon your children that she has upon you.

I do know what I say, not just because of what I told you about the children I raised as my own, but because I am a drug and alcohol counselor. I treat alcoholics and drug addicts as a living and have a college degree in Alcohol and Other Drug Studies.

I want you to understand two things. First, your mother has a disease. She is ill, the same as if she had diabetes, or cancer. However, the second thing I want you to understand, is that she has choices, and one of the choices she is making is to refuse treatment for her disease. Every single addict or alcoholic has the ability to receive treatment for their illness. The same as if they had kidney disease, or cronic lung disease. By refusing treatment, she is in essense, refusing to recover, or even get into a series of treatment options which would allow her to control her illness.

She has choices and so do you. However, you currently do not have the same ability to make choices as she does, and as you will one day. You are a victim of her choices and of her illness. She is choosing her illness, and her refusal to seak treatment, over what is in her child's best interest. This is a choice on her part, and a conscience choice, and you need to understand this.

The reason you need to understand this is because it isn't fair to you for anyone to simply tell you that you have to accept her exactly as she is, simply because she has an illness. Would you accept it if she refused treatment for any other illness? Would you sit idly by why she allowed herself to die, for refusing treatment? If you couldn't help her get treatment, if she continued to refuse to save herself, you would have to decide if you could tolerate watching her kill herself and everyone in your family watch it too, along with you.

While you do need to understand and accept that she has an illness, you do not and should not think that she has no choices in her illness. She does. By not doing anything at all, she is making a conscience choice to allow her illness to one day take her life. Alcohol is one of the biggest killers of all addictions. It sickens the liver and the kidneys, and it sickens the mind too. She is shortening her life, and allowing your children to live life without a grandmother.

Now, while I wanted you to understand that she has an illness, you understand too that she has choices, and what those choices are. You have every right to be angry with your mother. You can be angry and still love your mom very much. The two are not mutually exclusive. You have a right to your anger, you just do not have a right to abuse her in your anger.

I sincerely hope you locate a good support group. By this I mean not only your friends, and perhaps one or two parents of your friends, but also an Alan-teen and eventually an Alanon group. These groups help teens and later adults of alcholic parents. They are made up of other teens just like you who are in the same situation. They too are dealing with issues of parent(s) who are addicted, and who either refuse treatment, or who are in treatment. Many of these kids may be living in foster homes, or in other relatives homes, and not with their biological parents. Some may have been taken by the State, and some may have been willingly given up by their parent(s), as my children were, and some may have been taken by grandparents, who stepped in and took the children from a horrid living situation, and some may still be liviing with their parents as you are. All of them, however, understand exactly what you are going through, and they are there to support each other through all the hard and difficult times.

You said that your friends have begun to suspect that your mother drinks abusively. If they are really your friends, it may be time for you to be honest and open with them. Yes, you will be taking a chance that they will not understand, but you can find real support from those who care and/or love you enough to stand by you in these dark and hard times. If you live in a small community, it is bound to get out anyway, and by you taking the steps to be upfront in your situation, you take back some of your own personal power.

You have no reason to feel shame or embarressment over actions you have no control over. It is not your fault nor your responsibility in any action or choice made by your mother. You are a victim of her addiction, not responsible in any way for it. Nothing you did in the past, or in the present, nor anything you may do in the future, has anything to do with your mother's choices. They are her responsibility alone, you do not share in them. You are responsible for only your own actions, not those of anybody else.

One last bit of advice, and you can take any of what I have said, or leave it, at your descretion. I will not take any offense and I do not mean any offense to you. I may be a stranger, but I understand what you are going through and only wish to help. OK, the last bit of advice, is for you to actively find and make your own supportive family. While it will not make up for the loss of a functional mother, we have control over who we allow in our lives, who will be our family. While we are born into a family of blood relatives, we also have the ability and the right to form our own personal family of choice. Those who truly care for us and support us. The same as you will for them.

Four of my children have two mothers. They have a biological mother who stepped out of her responsibilities and who abandoned them. They still love her regardless and I have never tried or attempted to sever their relationship. They must find their own way in their relationships with her, and I will not try to sway that process one way or the other. Then, they have me, the women who is really their mother, who raised them, cared for them, supported them, did everything a mother is suppose to do. I am not a blood relative, nor am I a foster parent. I knew their mother through a mutual friend, and when she was deep into the drugs and the social services department was getting ready to take the children, she came to me and asked me to take them, raise them to adulthood, and keep them together as siblings. You see, they had been in foster care once, and she knew that if the State took them again, she would never see them and they would be split up into different homes, and their sibling bond would be broken for life. So, I took them, and am their mother, not their biological mother, but their mother none the less.

I share this with you so you can know that their are people who you can gather around you who will be your family. It doesn't have to be blood relatives, rather people who you pick and choose. People who will treat you as you should be treated, and not use or abuse you.

Keep your chin up and know you are valuable. Don't allow this to lower your self esteem, or confidence in your value. You have a good future ahead of you if you don't allow this experiance to stop you from reaching out and grasping what is your right. Stay in school and get an education. Go to college and earn a degree with which you can support yourself and feel fullfilled with. One in which you never need to feel dependent upon another for your support or well being.

Then, create your own biological family and raise your own children the way you were never raised. Give them a mother that you never had. Then, you will have broken the cycle of abuse in your family. You also need to be aware, that when one is born of an addict, that child is at a greater risk of developing the same illness. If you know this you can defend your health, and protect your own future by staying away from substances of any kind.

I wish you the very best life has to offer. Please stay strong, not for anyone but yourself. Treat yourself gently, and allow yourself to feel pride in who you are as an individual. You are not tarnished by your mother's choices, you are your own person, seperate from all of that. One day you may have to make the hard decision to stop allowing your mother to hurt you. You may have to decide to keep her away from your children. These are decisions and choices you shouldn't have to make alone, so find a good support circle and wrap it around you to keep you warm in the storm.

It is OK to be angry, just don't allow that anger to destroy your future. It is OK to feel sad, and any other emotion you feel. Just find a creative outlet for your emotions and don't bottle them all up inside of you.

Please take care and know that people care. Please have a nice weekend and I wish you the very best life has to offer.

Answer 2

Put your life in order! Pronto!
Believe and empower yourself that you can-even at a young age and deal with this adult irresponsibility.
Go to the school counselor, relatives and friends and make them aware of your situation. Now this may sound odd but when you do approach other people make sure you don't trash on your Mom but appeal for understanding so people can make you heal or reform her. Some people-irresponsible adults themselves would just fast forward your trashing and it will be disastrous to your Mom and you.
Take control of your life and top your GCSE. Go to Sixth form Work hard to get a college scholarship later.
In the meantime shower your mom with a lot of understanding and not hatred. What brought about her problems? Is she trying to cover a bout with depression? Where is your dad when she is doing all these foolishness?
It is a tough turbulent world and you have to take a firm control of your handle lest you will be one yourself. Get yourself into a success path and on the way there do not be so proud that you have become an achiever and throw curses at your mom because believe you will end up like her if your attitude towards life will be like that.
Good luck babe!I will be praying for you evn if you don't believe in prayers!

Answer 3

You are in a very difficult position for a 15 year old. I am sure it is difficult for you to understand but talking to your mother does no good. She will only stop when she wants to nit when you or anyone tries to tell her she needs to. She has an awful disease. You do not mention anything about your father is there any chance you could live with him, or what about some other relative? I think you need to be is a better situation rather then being raised by a drunken mother. If nothing else when you go back to school please talk to your counselor or one of your trusted teachers. I am sure someone at school will be able to help you. Good luck, you sound like a fine young lady I am sure with a little help you will be fine.

Answer 4

Your mom needs help right away but she has to want help & that won't happen until she admits that she does indeed have a problem. Once she admits that to herself, she will be able to join AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) & attend the weekly meetings. Maybe you could join Ala Teen which will help you to understand why your mom drinks & how you can better understand her. Are there family members who can also help your mom? I'm so sorry that your mom lied to you. I don't mean to make excuses for her behavior, but lying about drinking is part of the denial that drinkers go through. I know how embarrassing this is for you, especially where your friends are concerned. If your mom doesn't get the help she needs, can you stay with family for a while? Your mom needs you, so I hope she'll join AA & make the long journey towards getting better.

Answer 5

I really think you should talk to a school councilor. If you can get the chance and you think your Mum is in the mood for talking, tell her everything you've told us, tell her how much damage this is doing to you. Your Mum loves you, I'm sure she'd stop if she could....she just needs the help form others to stop, that's why she really needs professional help.

I'm sure your GCSEs (I'm the same year as you...) will go good and make sure you go to Sixth form, don't let this get on top of you, you can make something of yourself!

Good luck with everything.

Answer 6

I'm sorry Honey. If you really are tired of it, just call the police and tell them your situation, tell them that you love your mom, and you would like her in a rehabilitation center. My uncle by marriage's brother is in a rehabilitation group for drinking and drugs, and he has had many many kids with many many different women, and so he is in this group where he is trained to help other people (e.g. work at thrift stores that benefit charities) which is really good. I'm sure that might work for your mom. And if your scared, ask a relative to help you out. Good luck I'll be praying for you!! :)

Answer 7

My dad is the same way so I know how you feel. Only no one outside of my parents and I know how bad it really is. As much as I hate to say it you can't make her stop, she'll only stop if she wants to. All that I can suggust is calling one of your friends and staying with them until she sobers up. I'm sorry that you have to go throught this.
P.S.
Good luck on your GCSE's!

Answer 8

Talk to someone in person...like a school counselor...

You don't deserve to have to have this burden...doesn't your mother know that her drinking habits put a lot of stress on YOU too???

Again, talk to someone. Good luck.

Answer 9

Sounds like you could benefit from Ala-Teen. And see if you can live with a relative.

Answer 10

mine hasnt been sober for about 14 years.

Answer 11

that sounds bad i would tell someone i trust and hope they can help