yes another poem that i need advice on?

Question

Ok so I don't think that this is one of my best poems and I want to better it. Advice? Please and thank you



Feel the grass, no longer soft and smooth,
Crunch and crack beneath your feet.
Gaze up at the leaves, their green color gone,
To be replaced with colors similar to the dawning of the sun.
Feel the wind, no more a warm breeze,
But a cool suggestion of what it once was.
Think back to the budding roses that had still yet to bloom,
As the young deer fawns still maintained their snowy spots.
But now, the pink petals have fallen, to curl and brown with the grass,
The fawns have matured, their antlers tall and majestic, ready to be called to battle
The signals are clear as the cool stream that will be turing to ice,
Spring, has fallen, only to come again, when the time is right

Answer 1

Not one of your best? It's a lovely poem. Maybe what's bothering you is the last line. Perhaps it doesn't end this the way you want it to.

I enjoyed this!

-BD

Answer 2

If that isn't one of your best poems, I would love to see one you consider one of your best.

Lovely description, intriguing images. Only a couple parts I am a little confused about.

While I was reading it, I thought about fall, or at least a snowless winter. But at the end, you say "spring has fallen". I'm not sure if you mean it in the sense of the phrase "night has fallen", meaning that it would be spring at the time of the poem, or if you mean that spring has fallen i.e. spring is no longer happening. Try a more powerful last sentence that really sums up the meaning of your poem AS YOU INTENDED IT to be.

As the answerer before me said, the phrase "young deer fawns" doesn't make a world of sense. Try either "young deer" or "fawns", not both.

Other than that, splendid writing! I would love to read more of your work!

Answer 3

In a general sense I think it's a good piece, albeit some areas are confusing, or need only need be alluded to.

You could drop the "To BE"

Wind, no "Longer" a warming breeze

a mere chill suggesting.................................

Young, Deer, Fawns, might be a bit overdone, or confusing to just keep Fawns, for those unaware?

Finally, and still respectfully, "Spring has fallen", skips over no less than two seasons that usually precede "ice". Certainly "I" get "fallen" I might have added something along the lines of "gave way to"............ and expanded that into a seasonal evolution.

Again, in general, it's a good piece

Steven Wolf

Answer 4

I think poetseye is right on with his assessment that the last line may be what is bothering you. Your poem pulls us into this world with strong imagery and then lets us down at the end. Where we are expecting an explosion, we only get a little whimper of something that is predictable.

In my mind I'm expecting something that is a revelation to the season, something that is jolting to the senses. Perhaps a shriveled bird covered with ants. Something that was once of great beauty as tender and ethereal as the soft grass that you so delightfully express.

Another possibility is the ending taking us to a different perspective of all that has gone before. Perhaps causing us to look upon the season from a different angle than our typical feelings we might experience.

It is just a guess, but I imagine there was inside you some emotion so feeling of distaste of wonder that drove you to write this poem. I think maybe you are hiding and not throwing what is inside you onto the page. You are taking it beautifully to a certain level, and then become timid and don't trust yourself of find yourself lost in expressing that which cries to escape from you.

Meditate on your poem. Experience in your mind the place that the poem takes you and perhaps you will be guided to expressing it to your delight and the delight of your readers.

Keep writing!

Answer 5

You have written a poem that satisfies you. And that are supposed to be sufficient. Though I do not believe the message, it is a valiant attempt to form anything as amorphous and summary as artwork with necessities such because the practical undertaking of rhyming. I applaud the hassle however plenty of masters earlier than our time have already mastered it, and built extra expanded and dramatic topics. And to be sincere, I'd alternatively learn them than modern-day writers who write like them. EDIT: Ah of direction, then permit me start that what you've awarded is a platter filled with incongruity. Your 10 syllables each and every line is an atrocious try at historical international rhythm. Even your rhymes are sorry word list knock-offs. I am no longer harshly criticizing you on your perspectives. Not in any respect. I simply consider that the truth that you utilize swoon and malaise for rhymes after which turds within the later part indicates your deficient manipulate of diction. And that is intended to be mature and expanded? Considered as artwork? L-O-L. Juvenile at satisfactory. I believe sorry that you simply need to thieve Prince's tune name. Try a success at Villanelles because you are so historical college.

Answer 6

The prince will dance in the morning and I will twirl as a fainting ballerina in his arms