I've been working on it for a couple days, and i want an opinion, tell me any improvements or give it a rating, thanks
Shine a lantern where I walk this path
Anger fuels the sweat that stings my wrath
The cracks are cracked and I'm sailing past
But, this pale of water has drained too fast
The lantern flickers forth shining light into beams
The colors start dancing, nothings quite what it seems
The birds sing songs, never hearing their sounds
My hands turn pitch black, and are glued upon the ground
A destitute limps forth, a spatula for a hand
My luck is turning, staring up as I stand
And there's a tower of silver, tossing coins from the sky
So i reach down to pick up, cause he's got a phone for a thigh
Dialing quicker and quicker when someone starts calling
Shaking and waking, my hands lay where they'd fallen
Freezing and white with paleness, everything is the same
I step down and I'm soaking, A pale of water is to blame
2007-12-29 09:40:14 · 8 answers · asked by John G 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
This has good images and rhyme scheme. It is a bit pointless, but that may be OK if the writer is only interested in the ride.
Well done sir.
2007-12-29 10:56:09 · answer #1 · answered by Your Uncle Dodge! 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Without knowing at all the context of the piece, spelling errors are an easy fix.
The first two lines are the hook, but I'd re-word the first, as it suggests another has to shine a light. Line two is impactful, but not explanitory.
I'd probably drop a few words in some sentences, as the obvious suggests things such as "Cracks are cracked"
I'm not certain Black needs PITCH to explain the absence of light.
What is the context of this line? "A destitute limps forth, a spatula for a hand"
Finally,,, but with no real offense, it begins to fall apart for me, with the reference of money, phones, and back to a PAIL of water.
Steven Wolf
Just some old guy
2007-12-29 17:55:17 · answer #2 · answered by DIY Doc 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I tried awfully hard to make sense of this but there are so many dis-connects I got lost on the way.
2007-12-29 18:58:31 · answer #3 · answered by daisyfay 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe it's just me, but is there a message or just rhymes?
All in all, it does nothing for me.
Sorry. :(
2007-12-29 17:49:52 · answer #4 · answered by tercir2006 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
its different kinda confusing. oh and you mispelled pail
2007-12-29 17:49:24 · answer #5 · answered by slv1968 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
strange
2007-12-29 17:46:37 · answer #6 · answered by hippiechick 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
don't quit your day job
2007-12-29 17:49:10 · answer #7 · answered by Mary Jo W 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I LOVE IT
2007-12-29 17:44:11 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋