Im about to be 30, if I dont' marry by 35, should I have a my kids alone?

Question

I'm a professional woman, but I barely have had serious relationships in the past. At the moment Im single and would love to meet new guys, etc. I miss being in a relationship, that is. And as I'm soon to be 30, I still haven't met someone who's worth and that is into commitment.

I've heard and read that women that have children after their 30's have less chances of having healthy kids and in many cases don't have children at all. I've been told and have read that the eggs in women by their 30's and after reproduce less and are unhealthy eggs. I don't want to be waiting to be 40, 50, etc. to have kids.

If I don't meet a man who's willing to commit by the time I reach 35, should I not have my kids, and forget about it. Should I wait to find the right man to have them with? what do you suggest?

Ps: Every woman's dream is to be professional, successful (I have acomplished that thank God), but also to find a loving husband, and of course have children, a family. Any single moms?

My mom advices me that I should wait until I find the right man to marry and have a family, but what if it never happens?

Then again women who have children after their 30's -35's have complications and face health risks. Ex. Demi Moore (being in her 40's), Jennifer Lopez (in her late 30's, had trouble getting pregnant for many years)among other regular women I've read about and known.

Answer 1

As a single mother of two one biological, one adopted with my ex-husband, I think i am in a good position to answer this from experience.

1st--Consider that your "fertility" levels decline significantly after the age of around 32+
Yes there are women in their 40's that have children but that is few and far between.
In addition, the chances of having a child with birth defects climbs considerably with age.

2nd--Yes there are "Celebrities" that have children in their 40's. But for a majority of these i suspect, based on medical accounts, that younger "eggs" were used.
Celebrities don't admit to plastic surgery and they certainly wont admit if they used a younger woman's eggs.

3rd--As an adopted mother i have met quite a few women that decided to "wait" thinking that they, with the help of invitro down the road could actually achieve a pregnancy. For a vast majority of those women invitro never worked.
For the ones that it did, they invested a small fortune to achieve a pregnancy.
Do you have 50K-100,000K lying around?

4th--Just because you're single now doesn't mean you will be forever. While it is difficult to date with a "baby" once your kids are pre-schoolers+ it gets a bit easier.
Just remember dont introduce your kids to guys you date until you're in a solid relationship thats actually leading somewhere.(at least 6+ months)
This is how i minimized any impacts to my kids when i started dating again.

Finally, if you really want biological kids and just cant ever see yourself adopting a child AND if you are FINANCIALLY secure then by all means when you hit 32ish or so consider having a child on your own.

Remember--relationships and marriages may come and go BUT your window of opportunity for a child, once it's closed, it's gone forever.

Caveat: as far as adoption is concerned, unlike what many people think. It is much harder to adopt nowadays than it was 25 years ago.

I just laugh when I hear so many women saying "..Oh well i'll just adopt" as though its as easy as getting a puppy from a pound.

The reality is that Domestic and International adoption have a spew of regulations and a paperwork trail that will make you feel like you have just stepped into the gates of hell.
Yes there are hundreds of thousands of orphans worldwide and behind every orphan there are gatekeepers, vipers, and opportunists throwing roadblocks up every step of the way.
Sad but the reality of it all.

Answer 2

For some of us, it simply takes longer to meet that special person. And as you know, others rush right in and marry for the sake of being married (bad idea). I was wondering if you have ever tried the pay-for dating sites (match, eharmony). I have a few friends who have met their special someone through these sites, two married and one has been with her guy for a few years now. From my observations, they do a decent job of matching people accordng to personality, likes/dislikes, etc. It might be worth a try? I really doubt if you will be "that bitter old lady". You have expressed that you are not that person now, so i can't imagine you changing. Bitter people are usually that way for a lifetime. Why are you worried about what your relatives think? They must be definitely bored to focus on you and not their own lives. It's not a good idea to fret about what other people might be thinking -- your life isn't any of their concern. And as for your aunt who treats you like a child, i'm sure she'd still treat you this way regardless of whether you were married. NO don't panic! Get yourself out there - join a gym, get involved with church activities (if you attend), get involved with social activities in college, try a bowling league and other groups where you will meet people and make new acquaintances. And perhaps consider the dating sites (i wouldn't go for the free sites). all the best

Answer 3

As you advise, you are a professional, goes without saying then you have a career. You haven't met anyone worth a commitment. Why would you consider having this type of person fathering your child?

Something you might want to do: Adela Rogers St Johns a very successful newspaper reporter some years ago and she is the daughter of the great American jurist St Johns wrote a book called "You can't ride three horses". Most interesting for a professional. She had decided children were necessary for her and she did have children but married first.
What she believed was you can successfully have a husband and a career or you can have a husband and children or you can have a career and children. The three horses were you cannot have a successful career, a husband and children. You can only ride two horses. She chose her career & children and divorced her husband.

Answer 4

I am 40 now and have never been married and have no children. I have never really had the desire for children as I had no good guy.

I now think that if I were to get married and my husband wanted children, I would.

I always say I am too old anyway. I am told over and over that I am not too old. If God wants me to have children, I will have children.

I have two sisters. One is married and one is not. They both have children. The one that is not married struggles, but then again my other sister struggles financially too.

I know that a woman who was single and adopted a child from China. It cost a lot of money to go that route. I definitely am not the type to have a child alone. To me it would be too hard. I do admire all the single parents out there, men and women.

It is up to you and what you really want and need. I would pray about it. I would also write the pros and cons about all your possibilities.

My roommate wanted to be married and have children before she turned 30. She did get married but didn't have children and now is divorced. Best wishes to you. Don't rush things. They will happen as they should. Have faith.

Answer 5

I'm a single mother. It's hard at times, but even more rewarding. If you want children, then of course you should have them! Don't let your age or your marital status hold you back. It's socially acceptable these days to be a single or unmarried mother. You could always find a donor, and in the future when you meet Mr. Right, you won't have to worry about your age. And by the way, thirty isn't old at all! I've known women who were well into their fifties who have had healthy children.

Answer 6

THE TRAIN IS LEAVING THE STATION.
If you are looking for a man in his 30's there is a great chance that he will already have children. He may not want to have more. I understand you. You want to wait and find that special person that completes you. Make a family. But you said yourself, things get complicated when women hit the 30's.

My advice; be open for an stable relationship and it will just come to you. Don't close all the doors. And if you feel that it is taking to long just have your kid. You wont regret it.

Answer 7

Sorry, I'm not a single Mom. I'm a 44 year-old man and have no children of my own (one step son). My wife's sister had a child by a married (not to her, unfortunately) man when she was in her 30's. We thought it was a big mistake, but I think she really wanted to have a baby before it got too late. She later got into a relationship with a single man and had a second child. Soon after, that relationship failed, but she was happy with her kids, marriage was secondary. It sounds as though you're more than capable of providing for them, so I think you should have children (or adopt) as soon as you're ready, husband or not. You might always regret it if you don't. Have you tried any of the on-line dating services? I hear they're pretty good. Best of luck...

Answer 8

Don't worry so much - I think that is harmful in itself. I was the professional woman, also, and worked so much (always Fridays and Saturday nights at that) that I didn't have much of a social life. I had my first at 32, second at 36, and they are both very healthy and smart. My pregnancies went beautifully, I had never felt so good. My problem is that I hurried to choose a man to have kids, and chose a loser. We've been divorced for 2 years now. My fault...I married him. If you don't find THE ONE, just find one with good genes, and go from there. You can do it all on your own. Raising them, that is.

I would have had a third if things had been better between my ex and I. Call me crazy, but I would have. Now I just want to be a Grandma someday!

Good Luck!

Answer 9

I'm right there with you. This is a very personal decision that you are wise to begin thinking about now. I, personally, don't feel that having kids alone is a smart choice. But that's just me. Some people have the constitution to handle the stress of single motherhood. If you're sure that you know how much more difficult it will be to do this on your own, go for it. I just don't think that having children is an end in itself. I feel that it's a consequence of a loving relationship that wants to grow further.

Answer 10

Hi
If i had read your question a few years ago, maybe I would have answer differently, but now I answer your question with a big YES. Yes you should have your baby alone because time passes, and you want to have a kid. You can have a relationship all your life, I mean you can find a great man all your life to come, but not a baby! Its not easy but I assure you its well worth! I had my first child married and at my second pregnancy my ex-husband ...well, i had to put him away. I'm 38 and i have two kids...7 and 9 years old.
all the luck for you
T