Need Help With This Rough Draft of a Poem?

Question

It's a bit long and needs help in some areas. Ideas are greatly appreciated.

Intangible

I wish to write to you of your loss,
but I fear there are no words.
Your grieving has become a part of you,
And now you've taken to ignoring the day.

And happiness is intangible behind those croaching walls;
The undiscovered joys of abandoned rooms,
and times unspent.
You've tidyied up that last occasion, but left it as it was
in your mind,
the banners, streams-
And now the rug wears no stain,
but shadow and light,
and the beds have been neatly made.

And your world continues to fade,
behind the storms, the bleary pane
and dusty sill;
while they've longed to show you another day.

And words are lost, dear child,
lost among the draft that passes through,
the heaving past upon your lap,
and the way you've darkened the day.

Things should last forever, you used to say;
friendship, love, it is the way.
And a world that has been unfair and unkind with its deadlines and goodbyes,
has made you realize,
I always saw it in your eyes,
how they danced the music of another time;
the danger, the subdued cry;

memories were not meant to imprison.

My child, I choose not to stand in your way
and watch your world continue to fade;
I will not sully your memory
of the day.

Pain is necessaery, but should only last so long-
it is the fog that lines our windows,
until it is wiped away.

Answer 1

First of all, with all due respect, I cannot imagine anyone being able to strictly judge this piece. It has a heart shredding quality to it, Real or not.

Certainly it needs formulating/formatting; some spelling corrections and proper word tense's, and useage, but the essence of the piece seems extremely personal to you.

I'm moderately confused about a couple of things. Initially you're speaking to another, not just musing to yourself over a loss you endure, almost as if trying to understand and empathize with the loss of someone elses family member??? Then you begin speaking directly to a child, and we have no idea what the context of the loss is.

"Encroaching" walls.

The dusty sills, unless you equate them to an essence, have no ability to "long for", but certainly with some re-wording you can create their importance, as the significance is stated already.

Then I'm thinking you ARE speaking to a child, of their loss?

Then "stand IN your way" suggests you might want to no longer be witness to something, And Sully, in it's context is not strictly something you can transpose to another. Sully the memories of that day for you,,,in some form, would be more appropriate grammatically.

You need to decide on a set number of lines for each segment, IE: 4?

The piece definitely relates to the stages of "Death and Dying" and very well alludes to the final one,,,"Acceptance"

With some finessing, you have an impactful piece.

Steven Wolf

Answer 2

You wrote:
I wish to write to you of your loss,
but I fear there are no words.
Your grieving has become a part of you,
And now you've taken to ignoring the day.

There are many fine thoughts in your poem and the above stanza. The magic of poetry is in the rhythm and sometimes rhyme so that it becomes like music. Poetry also uses imagery to convey ideas. A picture shows a thousand words so try some images and see if you can use less words.

EX
I send this letter by mail to certify your loss,
But every word I send is returned "addressee unknown.".
Those tears you shed are a tempest in the night;
The captain thrown from the helm, his plight forlorn.

You can continue building these images or you can switch to another. It would be a help if your words looked and read like verses, so there is some kind of smoothness in rhythm.

The first draft is only that. If you have no time deadlines, you can come back to it, or use it for a springboard for other poems.

Set aside a period every day devoted to poetry and contemplation and you will find it takes on a life of its own.