Will it work for us later?

Question

So I am a married woman, with kids. He is a married man with kids. We are both unhappy with our spouses and have been going on with an affair for about a year. I don't want to leave and neither does he for the sake of our kids. But we want to be together. It really sucks. Neither of us want to hurt the other spouse, and I don't think we are being selfish. Our affair started being about sex only, it has grown to a very strong love. We want this to work for us we want to be together in the futur, we know we just can't now.I have heard that this type of thing was possible, is it really? Does anyone have experience with these type of things working out? I guess I really want to know is, can our love for eachother with stand the test of time? This love is so fulfilling for the both of us, we always say if only....we would be together now.

Answer 1

Actually, yeah, it does work out sometimes. IF both marriages are truly dead. Sometimes people have to wait a decade or more until their kids are grown before they can get together permanently.

If their respective family homes are otherwise stable, the other spouse is a great parent in addition to your being a great parent, the kids are stable and happy, and the spouses in each marriage have developed a deep, long-lasting FRIENDSHIP that means their homes are not full of arguing or hatred, but are respectful, safe, and stable, then oftentimes the unhappy spouse learns to live with their dissatisfaction with the marriage for the sake of their kids. For as long as it takes until the kids are grown and gone.

Yes, it can work. It's very difficult, but it CAN work. I know someone who did this for almost a decade, and their one main regret was SO MUCH TIME WASTED between her and the man she really wanted to be with, when they could have been together from the beginning and had a good life together. The kids would have adjusted and been fine, if all parties involved (including spouses) were able to have friendly divorces. This is RARELY the case though, a friendly divorce, which is why so many people are stuck waiting until the kids are grown. Sometimes people just have to do what they have to do.

So you have to look at your situation and decide. Would it wreck your kids' lives if you divorced? Would it be a friendly divorce? Is your home otherwise stable, safe and secure for your kids? Your present spouse a great parent?

Sometimes people do have to wait years, but it DOES work out in the end for many. It's tough to wait, and communication between you and the man you love is KEY, because there will be many, many bumps in the road along your waiting years, so keep in mind that you love each other above all, and you'll make it through if it's the real thing.

Answer 2

I don't answer very many of these, but I hope this helps. You appear to be so close to this problem, you can't see your errors....

First, it is insulting to each of your spouses that you are each
involved with someone who is already married. Obviously, this is very selfish on each of your parts. When we marry, we take a vow, and the spouse to whom we made that vow has every right to believe that the one they married is exclusive to them sexually as well as emotionally. So, each of you has insulted not only the other, and the marriage, and the other partner, but that vow each set made, one to the other. Steep and nasty. Will it ever work out? It is extremely difficult to build a solid foundation on the betrayal of one's spouse. Unlikely, to be sure.


You then say, "if only we could be together now."
Secondly, as an old Chinese proverb goes, "be careful what you wish for, you may just get it." "Forbidden love" is exciting--- novels, movies, plays and poetry have all been written to it. But the then day to day living sets in, and it "ain't all cracked up to what you thought it was." Affairs are secret, exciting, forbidden, and you see each other only at your best... you plan for that meeting, and are hyped for it.. Far different than a rock solid marriage. Feelings of this intensity usually don't last very long, and living together cools the intensity. It is fulfilling because it is secret, not because it is really real.


There are some things you truly need to consider

1. Children---yours as well as his--- need more than just a full belly, a tv, a computer, and dope in hs. They need a family. And sooner or later your husband, and your children will find out. You will have given to your husband the ultimate deal buster, betrayal, and you will have shown to your children that adults don't mean what they say when they make the vow of marriage. At this point, children feel abandoned... the worst of all possible messages. And you can never again get your marriage back... the image your husband will have of his wife getting pronged by another guy just doesn't erase... I have to be blunt, but, you asked.
2. You are using and insulting him, and he is using and insulting you.

And the honorable thing to do is end it, then shut the hell up to you husband. You can't continue to keep him as "The Jerk in Reserve". We have all been attracted to others while married. And to act on that every time would mean that we would all be bed jumpers, and victims of our juices.

You admit that this sucks. Yes, I would guess it would indeed. Anyone would feel horrid guilt at betraying your family .

No one can tell you what to do, and about no one on here would ever wish to trade places with you... all of us are at times victims of our juices...and usually we just don't act on those impulses.... fantasies are free.... But few of these things you are in ever work out. Any of my friends who have done this have all had a second failed marriage.. the spice and secret was gone, after awhile, and it was back to square one with the routine of marriage. And then it fell apart, because it wasn't like it was when it was forbidden and secret. And so those marriages all ended, with each of the original partners crushed, and the children all confused, and the second marriage in shambles, and in failure.

You didn't ask, but hon, you may wish to spend an hour with a counselor to see why you don't wish to put your energies into your marriage, and the man who trusts you rather than this.

I wish you well, and hope this was helpful.

Answer 3

If neither of you has the balls to leave your spouses "for the sake of the kids", then neither of you is mature enough or smart enough to carry on the way you are. What will you both say when one of the kids or spouses finds out? I assure you that one of them WILL find out. "I'm sorry, my child, but we were screwing around behind your father's back for YOUR sake. Some day you'll appreciate why, while your dad was watching over you, I was going down on another man."

And, once the rest of the hillbillies in your trailer park find out, they'll all want to take a turn with you.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Both of you seem to be ignoring the real problems within your respective marriages. If there are problems within the marriage, then work those out, or go your separate ways. However, if it doesn't work out, then let the marriage dissolve based on its own merits, not because you found someone else. I would also tell you this: "if the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it's probably AstroTurf." Think about it.

Answer 5

You must be delusional..... you are hurting your families...If you really want to be together that bad..you need to leave your respective spouse....I really think that two people who have no respect for others, no morals and no conscience deserve to be together....

Guess you didn't like anyone's advise or opinion huh?

Answer 6

These things never work out and you ARE being selfish. Your honor and loyalty to your family should be stronger than your sex drive!

Answer 7

you can be together noe...if your love is so amazing,..then i guess it would be worth the toruble of going thourgh divorces for both of you..if its not, then maybe it isnt as great as you think......i think it would be a good idea to understand that the potential is there for both of you to cheat on each other in the future as well

Answer 8

you have seen too many movies, in real life, NO, IT NEVER WORKS OUT, if anything, youll end up worse, divorce and all alone, i say you come clean with your husband and start working things out with him,
for the "sake of the kids" thats always the excuse, he will never divorce his wife.

Answer 9

affairs never work they are doomed from the beginning so get out of it and work on loving the husband...let him love his wife. and never break up a marriage it never works...good luck