What negative effects will a child experience being separated from grandparents who raised him up to age 2?

Question

Our 25 year old daughter lived with us before and after the birth of her child because she would have had a hard time on her own, both financially and emotionally. We have played a major role in babysitting and caring for the child who is now 2 years old. She is now living with a good man she plans to marry in the next few months. She has taken the child with her and has decided that the child needs to "get used to" living with her and her soon to be husband. She wants to keep him 5 days and allow him to see us on weekends. While I agree that children need to be with their parents, I am concerned about the negative life-long effects of this sudden separation at a developmental time when the child is learning about attachments. I would support a gradual separation period - every other day for a few weeks, then every two days, etc. I am worried about potential feelings of abandonment and how it will affect his future relationships. Have others experienced this and have advice?

Answer 1

What wonderfully supportive parents and grandparents you have been. It must be really hard for you to lose the close contact with your grandson. Although it might be ideal for your grandson to have a more gradual separation, I don't think the situation will do him any serious harm. He has his mother with him, and that constancy is important, and he will be seeing you and knowing that you continue to be there for him. Is he able to talk on the phone? If he is the sort of two year old who can manage phones, would your daughter agree to him having a short conversation with you every evening, as well as the weekend contact? If that isn't possible for whatever reason, could you send him cards a couple of times during the week? The important thing is for him to keep an awareness of your care for him. By his age, most children are able to retain a sense of being loved by someone even if they are not physically present.

As his mother has been with him all the time and still is, I don't think he's going to suffer any serious abandonment issues as a result of this. And as time goes on, he will greatly value having other adults he can turn to, separate from his mother and step-father.

Don't underestimate, though, how hard this is on you, and acknowledge to each other how much you miss him. Try not to be resentful of your daughter for taking your beloved grandson away (I'm guessing that you might feel this a bit) - I know that mostly you are glad she has met a good man, but it's hard that she can make decisions that affect your life so much. I hope all goes well and you can adapt to this new situation and continue to offer your daughter and grandson the support they need.

Answer 2

Sounds like you are grieving about this. I'm so sorry. I can almost feel your sadness. I have to say that if your daughter has been a primary caretaker, along with you and your husband, in this child's life, and if she and the child are closely bonded that the kid will do fine. She has set up a strict routine (five days away, two days with) that is kind of silly, in my opinion. Maybe this is not solely about the kid, and she's not even aware of her deepest motivations? Maybe this is also in some ways pushing herself away from you, in an effort to grow up, herself? If she has been with you to age 25, and she has been dependent on you, she also needs to do that for herself, for her child, and for her relationship with her fiance. The tighter you try to hold onto your current arrangement while she is trying to separate, the farther she will push you away, if she's trying to emancipate herself. I think your concerns about separation and feelings of abandonment have more to do with your own feelings, and you may be projecting them onto the grandson, unconsciously, to try and keep him closer, to avoid having to go through the separation yourself, and avoid the pain that comes with this change in YOUR life. Try out the new arrangement for a month or so, and see how it goes. I think this would only rock his young world if he did not have an existing, bonded relationship with his mother, and if she had not been a figure in his life, but you had been instead of her. I think it's not the answer you wanted to hear, but it's what I think.

Answer 3

It sounds like you and your daughter get along well and your pleased with her husband to be, so this doesn't have to be hard, it's probably harder for you and your husband and daughter than it is for him, so just make it a happy thing so he doesn't feel the tension you all must feel, I lived with my parents the for two years after my daughter was born and I wish I would have done it in a more peaceful manner, so just keep his little feelings in mind and make it a happy thing, you'll still enjoy him on the weekends. Best of luck to you and your family I am sure you will all be fine!

Answer 4

You sound very much like a loving grandparent and for sure you know more about raising a child. Of course you have provided things for that child that were needed that would not have been had it not been for you. Some grandparents will require a custody agreement due precisely to your very well founded and understood argument. These are changes we as grandparents know how to circumvent in the life of our young ones and unfortunatly not the younger parents who are well on their way to being like us, repentent at having made so many mistakes that our children must work out in life, just dont get it do they? So with faith and hope that all will work out for the better in time we watch as our children pass on to their children the same mistakes we made with them when we were in their spot and our parents were sort of down on us as negligent parents. Do you remember? I do. I recall that having made the decision not to change custody status of my grandchildren I am also making the decision to let my child take her child any time she wants and learn, like I had to, that we wish we knew then what we know now.

Answer 5

he'll be difficult at first - he'll feel as if he's being pushed from pillar to post. he'll test everyones patience, and be insecure and probably naughty. however, he's young and he'll adapt. just make sure your daughter is ready - she cant hand him back whenever things get tough. this really would mess him up.