Can a woman regain passion for her husband? My wife says she's lost it, but I still love her so much.?

Question

We married very young and have been together for 7 years. I want desperately to try anything, including counseling but though she has agreed to try, she seems almost disinterested. I messed up in the past, pushing her to move to the big city before she was ready, and we've faced a lot of obstacles including the loss of her mother.

She says that I'm a great guy, she still loves me, and I'm her best friend, but the passion is just not there, and because of that lack of passion the chances are "slim" that we'll stay together. Is there anything I can do to bring back that passion? I really don't want to lose her.

Thanks in advance for any help....

Thank you all very much for your answers so far. I think I was sort of on the right track with romancing her again, but have definitely got a lot of good information from these responses! For now I think my biggest problem is going to be that "try not to smother her" part. It's wicked difficult to strike that balance. *Takes a deep breath and prepares for the long struggle ahead* Thanks!

Answer 1

I can tell that you really love your wife - and you want it to work. However, I do wonder about the part of not staying together because of the lack of passion ... is passion what makes your marriage, and your love for her? Just wondering .. because real love would get past the lack of passion. True enough, it would be sad . .and a loss .. but marriage & true love should prevail ove the loss of passion.

One of the biggest things which makes a woman's passion go-away from her - and have no desire for her husand, is for her to be pressured by her husband about having sex ... and for the husband to talk about sex, as if sex is just an object - and is not the act which is naturally done because of the love emotion between each other.

For the average person ... men are naturally sexually driven ... and women are naturally emotionally driven (with less sex-drive & less sexual-craving then the men).

And ,, men & women, each, think differently.

Men sometimes seem to not understand WHY a women does not want sex. I have seen men who think their wife is having sexual relations with someone else other than themselves -- just for the simple reason that the wife has no sexual desire.

If the man would learn to understand how a woman feels .. and vice-versa .. then things might be easier understood between each one.

I'll try to give you an example to help you understand how a woman feels when they don't feel the urge to have sex .. a really simple example - but one which fits .. think of yourself being a kid .. and your Mom wants to make you eat your spinach & liver - and you absolutely hate it, and have no desire for it at all .. but you are MADE to eat the spinach * liver anyway. And .. the spinach & liver is presented to you almost every day of your life ... and you just cannot make yourself want it ... so .. you get to where you resent your Mom for making this problem for you which you absolutely cannot stand .. or hardly tolerate. And the problem was in your face all of the time. And ... you tried & tried to develop a taste for the spinach * liver -- but it just never happened. So .. the problem was constant .. and continued on, and on, and on, in your life. This is what a woman faces -- who cannot develop an appitite for sex. The woman is faced with a husband who wants it, and wants it a lot ... so the woman tries to do it .. but with no desire whatsever ... and lots of the time - the husband demands the desire to be there, too ... when it's just not there - and not the woman's fault either.

It would be SO MUCH EASIER on the woman, if her sexual desires matched her husband's sexual desire. And, it would be really great for the husband if that were true.

Then .. when the woman does not feel the slightest tinkle of sexual desire ... then the man starts in on the wife -- and what was once known as special, tender, love-makeing - turns into a sexual deal to get the husband satisified. Just like the ritual of cooking a meal. The emotional thoughts which rule the wife about love-making, turns into just sex due to her husband's reaction. Then ... problems set in.

Also - women have other things which influence them sexually.
For the most part, and usually, the women holds an outside job, comes home & cooks a meal, is busy throughout the evening working in the house & with the kids -- then she is totally exhausted when she comes to bed. All her body wants to do, is to REST. It often becomes a chore for her to still have to turn to her husband who usually has come home from work .. maybe watched tv, took a bath, went to bed - then wants his wife. All of this is a problem .. and takes consideration to understand it.

Then .. women have hormones which rule their lives. When they get out-of-whack ... watch out. Hormones rule. Lack of hormone, or disturbance of hormone, can equal no sex drive.

And .. when a man does things to his wife .. then the man thinks he has kissed & made it up to his wife ... especially when they have sex after it - the man usually thinks that everything is ok now. Wrong! ... the woman still carries it around in her heart & mind .. and it comes right to the bed with her .. and it affects her love-making to her spouse ... and the spouse is not aware because he is getting 'sex'.

So .. to say the least, there are so many things which affect a woman.

I don't know your situation .. but if she seems uninterested - it might be so that you will STOP .. and leave it alone for awhile. But .. you say the lack of passion may cause you not to stay together .. so you may be protesting too much.

It will take awhile to achieve .. but there are a few things you can try. You may have to be patient, and persavere .. but if you love her, and want the passion back - it might be worth trying. Understand, real passion is a feeling which is natural .. and comes from within ... no one can make themselves feel it.

Start with backing-off. Just don't bug her about sex. Not even verbally. After you do this for awhile ... then began doing little things to woo her ... kinda like you did when you dated her & were trying to win her. Do it slowly at first. And when you do something, don't-try-to-initiate-sex .... she will be thinking that is your motive - and she will be waiting for the shoe to drop .. so don't do it. Do romantic things ... like .. put little notes on her car steering wheel for her to find when you are not there .. which say .. "I love you" ... or "you are my everything" .... even write the I LOVE YOU on the bathroom mirror .... call her just to tell her that you needed to hear her voice today .. send her unexpected flowers ... pick her fresh flowers off the road .. hear a nice song & buy it for her - tell her it reminded you of her ... walk up to her, gently pull her close & hug her - tell her she smells nice, then let her go ... rug her neck - then walk off from her ... foot rug, the same way ... surprise her with a romantic cooked meal - but expect nothing from her & don't try nothing. Do a lot of things like this .. but don't initiate sex ... and see if eventually, one day, out of the blue - if her passion-juices get to naturally flowing again. If during all of this, she brings up sex -- you just act like that it is HER ONLY which you care about ... that you are not wanting sex from her ... you just want to be around HER ... it's all about HER.

Make her fall in love with you all over again. It will surprise her .. and those old feelings could rise to the surface again .. sexual and all.

Just stop the pressure of sex. Change the sex thing .. to a love thing. Let it all be about HER.

You may get discouraged before results are given ... but if it is your marriage & her that you want ... it will be worth it.

Answer 2

Why would they be afraid? Anyway, love is mutual between husband and wife. It's impossible for the husband to keep doing all the effort, while the woman is sitting '7ata regl 3ala regl' and receiving without giving! Lol (I know the guys will love this answer!!) Anyway, as I said, it's mutual, in the sense that each should be careful not to hurt the other, each should not do things that s/he knows the other hates or doesn't like, each should try to comfort the other, do what they like, compromise, sacrifice, smile in each other's face, not complain all the time. They could also do very simple things that have a magical effect in enhancing the relationship (and this goes for both!) like saying good morning, good bye, good night, holding the other's hand every once in a while, hugging, good bye kiss, preparing/buying favorite food/drink. What I mean is that small frequent touches count much more than expensive gifts every once in a long while. In short, keep in touch!

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Answer 3

Anyone that says that a loss of passion is the reason for leaving is wrong. Counselors will tell you that there is a deeper core issue at work in her mind. Women are needy emotionally and if there is a strenuous burden on the relationship they will crumble if it is not alleviated. Unfortunately they do not have the same attachment psychologically to passion as men do. Women are like camels...they can go for a long time with out sex, longer than men. We would do it everyday if we could. But women need more than that. If you are upset at the passion being lost then chances are she thinks that sex is all you really think is the issue. Address the fact that the move to the city was a mistake. Ask her to forgive you for not being there (if you weren't) at any point of your previous years and communicate that you desperately want to meet her needs and help your relationship last. Usually if a woman is not passionate then there is a serious disconnect emotionally with their spouse/bf etc. She needs to feel that you want to "slay the dragons" of her life and be the knight that I believe you want to be for her. Ask her what is wrong and tell her that no matter what she says you will listen, be understanding and above all else...willing to change if necessary. I hope it helps.

Answer 4

She may just need some time. A lot of the answers say to massage her, kiss her, etc. That can work, but if she is upset about losing her mom (you didn't mention when her mom passed) she may just need some alone time. Everyone grieves differently. I lost my dad over two years ago and just lost my mom last week. I have been married to my hubby for 12 years and feel the same as your wife. Sometimes the loss of a parent, especially if you were close to them or have regrets, can be difficult to get over. Give her some space and don't crowd her, but let her know that you are there when she wants to talk. She may also need some bereavement counseling. A nice night out may help cheer her up, but don't do it with the expectation of sex. If it happens, that's one thing, but don't do it with that intention. Remember that getting over a loss can take a LONG time! Good luck :)

Answer 5

Yes, the passion can certainly come back. Unfortunately, there is no magic switch you can flick to make it reappear. Be careful what you mean by 'passion' though. The initial honeymoon period won't return and loving someone isn't always easy. But the honeymoon 'feelings' are replaced by a much deeper, meaningful love which she shouldn't trade for getting a 'spark' with someone else. She has obviously gone through a lot, but seems to still really appreciate you. She knows full well what she'll miss out on if she leaves.

I would go through with the counselling, continually express your love for her in different ways (but don't smother her!) and don't pressure her to make a decision.

I really hope things work out for you.

Answer 6

Yes, I believe there is hope. Because love and marriage aren't based solely on passion. If she loves you and knows that you're a great guy, she just might need some time to herself to gather her thoughts before she can feel any passion for you.

You guys have been together for a long time. That means that nothing is new to you guys, right? Is there anything sexually that you've always wanted to try but were afraid to ask her? There might be things that she's wanted to try as well, but has been afraid to ask you.

You both might need counseling to get over those feelings of resentment. I know that well...because I have many in MY relationship! We went to counseling one time and it changed things. Sometimes just to hear an outside source tell you something about your relationship makes all the difference in the world.

There are also books out there that you guys can look at, like "Hot Monogamy". They tell you different things that you guys can try out to get back the "umph" in your relationship. Because if I was married to a great guy who was my best friend, I wouldn't want to lose him just because the heat wasn't there. Maybe she was just being honest with you so that you guys could work it out...not because she's thinking about leaving you.

Answer 7

I think before you start to look for ways to fix it perhaps you can look into why this has started in the beginning.

You mentioned a big move. Is she happy? Does she want to be there? Do you think deep down she might resent you for this?

Remember passion for a woman rarely starts with the physical aspect of things ..it starts with happiness, comfort, security etc.

Sorry but I am just wondering if perhaps she has a little hidden anger towards you. As much as the 'women's movement' has brought us forth deep down a woman still wants to feel loved and taken care of by her man. Do you think she thinks you take good care of her and have brought security and goodness to her life?

I speak of this from my own experiences - there was a time I was REALLY unhappy with my husband deep deep down - I acted like everything was kinda ok but I felt my love was slipping away - I felt like he wasn't my partner and not really taking care of me like I was him.

Anyways I hope things get back on track for you...they did for me so they can for you...the two of you just can't give up as long as there is love.

Jade

Answer 8

There are many ways to try and reignite the passion. You could try haveing a romatic evening, suprising her with flowers, or just give her her a good massage. Its the the little thing that add up that u never think about. That's what make the biggest difference. Just give her some attention but dont over crowd her.

Answer 9

Talk. Take a class together like dance or pottery. Whisper in her ear. See all those sweet "in love" movies. Do encourage her to see to her health, maybe she is depressed over the death of her mother. There are support groups out there that can help. Couples therapy might also be a good idea if you feel you've tried everything else.

Answer 10

Dude, try courting her all over again ! Since becoming disabled I have sat and thought about what I would do if given a lady to love ! The little day to day things are very important !Like helping around the house. Leaving her frisky notes or love poems ! Open up with her and find out what is on her heart ! Let her choose where you live ! Share reading the holy bible!

Answer 11

Shape up, work out, start looking and smelling good again, bring home flowers but don't stop there... Massage her, kiss her when she doesn't expect it, surprise her with small dates or outings when you can, draw a bubble bath for her and have candles lit with wine and chocolates ready for her.... Have her see other women checking you out or laughing at something you say...but don't be cheesy and try to make it happen---she'll know.
Just try your best. If you love her, try!!!