I have been with my partner for 13 months and have a major problem. His ex wife. He has a child with her and has to go up there to pick the child up every week or so but when he does he spends maybe 5 or 6 or more hours up there. He says that shes a lovely woman and that he actually loves spending time with her and its tearing me apart. He says im possessive and jealous and our relationship is hanging by a thread at the moment. Before he was with me he was intimate with her 3 times since they have been divorced but he says not in the 13 months that hes been with me. He says that he has to keep a good relationship for the sake of his daughter. Its tearing me apart because I have an ex husband who I have a good relationship with but I would never say the things to my partner like he has said to me about loving to spend time etc as I dont do it with my ex husband. Please any advice would be appreciated and can anyone see my point of view.
2007-12-29 05:39:09 · 26 answers · asked by Broken hearted 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Just because she is an ex gives him no right to "love" spending time (for that long of period) with any woman besides yourself. It wouldn't matter if it was the coffee shop girl. This is no excuse for his behavior. He gives you good reason to feel insecure, then critisizing you for it? he is playing games. This behavior won't go away and you can't live with feelings like this forever. ESP since he can't even understand how you feel means you can't work it out. I am sorry to say but I think it is time yu consider finding happiness elsewhere.
2007-12-29 05:50:12 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In situations like this it is always hard because you are on the outside of what was once a whole family unit. I think the questions you should be asking ( is he ready for a new relationship? How long has it been since the divorce did the 2 of you meet? Maybe since he left,he is realizing what he walked away from. Did the 2 of you rush into something on the rebound? It does not sound like a real relationship the 2 of you are having even after 13 months. I think you need to sit down and really think about your situation and if you can even handle how close they are to one another. If you give him any kind of ultimatum at this point he will chose the ex and his child. You either stay and accept their relationship or you get out....
2007-12-29 14:23:09 · answer #2 · answered by blackpearl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is unreasonable that this guy not even sen how upset u are and hurt u are and not doing anything to make u feel safe and happy. u can either walk away now and find some1 who respects u enough to take into account of how u feel and how upsetting this situation is for u. or u can sit him down and talk to him, explain how hurtful it is and how upset u are, and maybe sugest that u can start building a bond with his child also, maybe u go up with him, or he can take his child out for the day near the home with u and have fun building ur own little family and haven memories u can both enjoy. ask him for u be able get involved in his childs life and be there to support and love also. A family can be made up of anything these days includen step-families which is what u would be classes in, and that u want build future and family life together if u want this relationship to last. if he does not want to do this and build this up with u after 13months i think be time for u move right on by and keep going, nothin worse then a guy who wouldnt leave u into his life fully and build a family together. goodluck
2007-12-30 09:28:13 · answer #3 · answered by Mum of1 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can see your point of view.
The problem here is that he has no respect for you or your feelings by the sounds of it.
He told you she's a lovely woman and enjoys spending time with her,well if she's that wonderful,why the hell did they split up is what I'd be asking myself.
The next time he says you're possessive,ask him how he'd feel if it was you and your ex husband in this same situation with him sat there like an idiot while you're off spending hours at a time in his company and hearing you tell him how lovely your ex husband is,truth is honey,he wouldn't put up with it,nor could he handle it either.
Stop being a doormat and make things very clear to him that you have no problem him seeing his kid,but you will not keep putting up with all this and the things he says about her to you anymore,stand your ground and back away from him,if he can't then see there's a problem,then he's not worth being with anymore,because his heart is not with you,if it was,he wouldn't be putting you through all this.
He has a daughter,that's fine,but why can't he involve you in his daughters life,he's been with you long enough for goodness sake.
I would go with my gut feeling if I were you,and I know what mines telling me when I read your question!
I think his excuse of having to keep a good relationship with her for the sake of his daughter is a load of bull to be honest,she obviously has no problems with him seeing the child,and if she had a problem with him,she wouldn't want him in her face for all those hours at a time, he really has no need to spend all those hours up there,he could well be there not just for his daughter,but the ex wife too,seeing as he thinks she's so lovely and wonderful,I mean lets face it,he did sleep with her on a few occasions after they'd got divorced,so that should tell you it wasn't truly over between them,and I hate to say this,but I doubt that side of things are over now either.
If she knows about you and nothings going on between them,she won't have a problem in him bringing his daughter to his own house now and again,and he should be happy with that if nothings going on between them,and be thinking about you when agreeing to do this.
To be honest though,right now you are coming 3rd on his list of importance,his daughter 1st (and that's right),his ex wife 2nd and you last,sorry honey but that's how I see things as I've read your question. It should be his daughter 1st and you 2nd.
I think she probably does know about you and is also hiding the fact that she's still sleeping with him.
If things don't change,I'd be kissing this relationship bye bye,if only for your own sanity.
2007-12-29 14:19:12 · answer #4 · answered by tinyfeet64 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not being possessive or jealous. Your boyfriend's behavior is definitely suspect.
You see, some people are incredibly mature and, as a result, can socialize and cooperate with ex-spouses. But what your bf is doing goes far beyond that. And the fact that they were intimate with each other after the divorce doesn't bode well, either.
My recommendation? Ask to go along the next time he goes to collect his daughter and closely observe his reaction. If he doesn't mind having you ride shot-gun, there is probably nothing going on with the ex-wife. If he makes excuses...
2007-12-29 13:46:31 · answer #5 · answered by e_d_ellis2004 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand him wanting to keep on the good side of his ex wife for the sake of his child. But does that entail the left or the right side of the bed too? He is supposed to be seeing his child not enjoying the time with his ex. That is why they are an "ex" because the relationship is over. I see your point of view honey and I might see more things than you do. I know how painful this must be. You need to ask yourself, are you willing to go through this torture every week for years or the one time pain of breaking it off with him. It's your call but honey, you know what is going on it's just hard for you to face it.
2007-12-29 13:50:22 · answer #6 · answered by curlies55 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you knew he was divorced and that he had a child. Get over it. His child will always come first before you and at least he is trying to keep a good relationship with his ex for the sake of the child. Thats a good men, but if he keeps talking about her and blah blah then maybe he still has feelings for her and you need to find out.
2007-12-29 13:49:28 · answer #7 · answered by evelyngrz 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Leave him, he obviously likes to hang out with his ex (wich is never a good thing) specially if youre the gf, i would say also, thats disrespectfull towards you and your relationship, is ok they have a civil relationship for the sake of the child, but to "spend time together" every week for 6 hours, is just plain ridiculous!!!
2007-12-29 13:47:02 · answer #8 · answered by suehellen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not being unreasonable. You have all right to feel a little suspicious. He dont have to spend hours with his ex in order to maintain a good relationship with the childs mother. I think you need to tell him to lessen the time he spends with her, if he's not willing to make a change for you to keep you happy and secure you should leave him. Dont waste your time with someone who's not gonna do what he can to ensure your happiness
2007-12-29 13:49:00 · answer #9 · answered by daddynard1010 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What would he say if the shoe was on the other foot? He is with you now and he should not be playing games. His words about her are positive and those about you negative.Yes, he has every right to be on good terms with her for the sake of their child so it is normal that they should see each other but if you feel uneasy about the time he spends with her, there is clearly something wrong there.
You may wish to put up with the situation or dump him and find somebody you will feel more comfortable with and trust completely. Good luck!
2007-12-29 13:54:07 · answer #10 · answered by Catherine P 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋