how do i move on without feeling lonely?

Question

I told my husband last night that i had enough and he cannot use me as his doormat anymore and told him to get out of my life. Before he left he said no one will ever love you because you have two children and no one wants that burden and he said also mark my words you are going to struggle without me and go nowhere in life, he said that i should think about letting go of the marriage before its too late, i am starting to feel lonely and that mayby i just made a mistake in telling him and his abusive words to go, please how do i not feel so lonely

Answer 1

I don't answer tons of these, but I hope this helps.

From your posting, he is a verbally abusive man, isn't he? (That stems from his insecurities, but that is another matter....) He is telling you that you are sooooo terrible, no one will want you but him. Not nice. And further, from these words, the obvious fact is he is telling you stay and take it, "cuz I ain't gonna change, since I have no reason to change.... you'll stay anyway." (he's likely a lot like his dad, isn't he???)

You are not in a happy marriage, hon, and every lady deserves to be love, and cherished. And every child deserves to have two parents who care for them and each other. I do think that marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust. The four biggies.... And I don't see that he holds too much of any of these toward you, the mother of his children. At this point in his life, he isn't husband material, and for sure he isn't father material. You have probably put up with this for sometime, and as well, wasted lots of time, and for sure, this is not a good thing.

These are the four things my mom hammered into my head beginning when I was 13, and as a result, saw the traps before falling in: Read them carefully:

1. The most important decision you will ever make is who you marry. Choose with your head as well as your heart.
2. Have no children until your bond is strong, and have no more than you yourself can support. You may just have to
3. At any and all costs finish your education to qualify for those high paying jobs. It is likely that you will work sometime during your marriage, probably for decades…. Get paid for it. And remember, your kids and your education are forever…. Husbands, lovers and promises are not!!
4. Have a stash of cash no one knows about even if you are sure you will never need it. You absolutely will, and the more the better.


You goofed in your choice of an abusive husband, and in having children with this guy. Or, he changed, OR you missed some cues while you were dating. In any event, anyone reading this from you would tell you, you have made an error or several errors...your marriage choice, and in the burden of having this guy's children.

These little simple rules seem so obvious, don't they? And yet, you missed them. And it is not entirely your fault. You are likely a product of public education, and as a teacher, we send you guys out into the world with no abilities to resolve differences without rage and resentment, (read all the postings on here of couples fighting like three year olds). We don't teach you how to shop for an appropriate spouse, and we don't tell you that kids are expensive ($250,000 each to age 18, and that is with no frills). We in public education may teach you how to write English, and do algebra, but we give you no life skills, and unless you had a mom like mine, you saw none of this before you married this guy, and had children with him. As a public school teacher, we have failed you, we have failed him, we have failed your marriage, and we have failed the children that you and he produced (since cycles like this continue into the next generation..treating a spouse poorly is seen by your son as okay for him to do to women, and by your daughter as this is what I will likely marry.) Sad, huh?

You feel or will feel lonely because this guy has beaten down your self esteem. But you don't love this guy... you love what you WISH he were, and your IMAGE of what you THOUGHT he was.

So what do you do?

Hon, it is our fault as educators that you are where you are, but it is YOUR fault if you stay and take it...it is YOUR fault if you continue to show your children that it is okay to live this way, and for sure it is YOUR fault if you bring other children into this situation.... Get some counseling to get your head back on straight. All of us deserve to be in a loving, supportive relationship. You aren't, so it is your fault if you stay......(I'd suggest counseling for him, but sweets, he wouldn't go if you leveled a gun at his head....)


Get back into school and better your financial position, and get some help in realizing that you deserve better. Do it for you, do it for your children.

I hope this helps

Answer 2

Well, first off, I think your husband was a bit conceited for thinking no one would love you because you have two kids and for saying you would suffer without him. There are people in this world who would love to have children. Especially if they're already grown. It's easier- no more diapers, no more crying, the usual. So actually, I think thats more of an advantage for you (if they are grown). Some men, such as your husband, think they really ARE the backbone of your life. But you are a woman with strength, I can tell. Because if you didn't have any dignity and enough sense, you would have left your kids as well. Thats another thing, you WONT be lonely because you have your kids. They are a reflection of what you had and what you will always have. If you think your husband might go to violent measures about this situation, I suggest you do get a divorce. On the other hand, if you just told him to leave because it was an "in the moment thing" caused by stress, overwhelm, or just plain ol' frustration, maybe you should talk things out. And lay down a basic list of "preferences"- not rules, because rules will make a man angry. (Ex> tell him whenever you fight you would like it if they TALKED things out in a CALM and CONTROLLED matter. With the both of you telling ur side of the story. Then do the 8th grade task of COMPARE and CONTRAST.)

...and remember this quote..."He who angers you controlls you".

Answer 3

One word: Compartmentalize. Far easier said than done and even if you can take those feelings of loneliness, regret and loss and put them away it will pretty much only make you functional for quite some time but functional is better than trashed in bed until 2 p.m. The feelings will bleed out at strange moments because the wound is not healed. Like you'll be pushing a cart in the grocery store down the cereal aisle and suddenly you'll get that painful pang right there in your stomach and the tears will start to well up like you're at a funeral. Or you'll be at work and suddenly a tough memory will recur and you'll find yourself staring into space while you emotionally re-live the whole thing, helpless to do anything differently even if you wanted to.
You've got to tuck it away best you can and focus on any other thing you can latch onto. Do things with the kids though they will be painful reminders at times especially when they ask questions. Try to find a reliable person to look after the kids a couple of times a week and just go out. Doesn't matter where just get away from everything for a few hours. Go to the mall or something and just walk around and get sucked into a cool pair of pants. Right now just try to pass the time as productively as possible and it probably won't be very productive.
The weird thing is that like when you buy a new car you start to see that car all over the road suddenly you will start to see people out and about with that same look of sad despair written all over their face. That, at least, will remind you that you're not alone, you're not the only one going though this painful crap and knowing that you can hopefully begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel even though right now you probably don't even want the pain to end because it is really the only real feel ing you can feel right now. Any kind of happiness touches you as if wrapped in a plastic bag- it doesn't touch the skin, it doesn't really get in.

quite a mess, I feel ya.

Answer 4

One of the worst things in a bad marriage is a bad marriage with children involved. Over the long haul, a bad marriage is so much worse for a child than a divorce situation. You are doing the right thing by divorcing if all options have been tried unsuccessfully to make this marriage work. Do not listen to your soon -to -be ex-husband's "sour grape" prophesy. You are not alone, either. I understand about feeling lonely, because during a divorce friends and family are lost to bitterness, on all sides. Starting over is very difficult, but you do not have to be alone. Not only do you have your children, but there will also be "true" friends and some family out there ready to support you. There are also numerous divorce support groups through churches and various other venues. This also sounds like it could be a nasty divorce. Consult a good lawyer because you will need one. Good luck!

Answer 5

First of all, don't let his words get to you. You've made up your mind now don't let him change it for you. You're going to feel lonely at first. Believe me, I've been there. You just have to find ways to occupy yourself. Try joining a gym. Not only will it give you something to do, but it will make you feel good about yourself when you start to see how toned you're getting. It's also a way to meet new people. I'm not saying you should start dating right away, but just make some new friends. Outside of the mutual friends that you and your husband have. And then, go shopping. Buy yourself all kinds of new clothes that you look great in. Then, with your new body, new friends and new clothes, you won't even think about going back to your husband. And you certainly won't be lonely. And last, but certainly not least. Spend lots of quality time with the kids. This is hard for them too. Take them to the movies, let them have sleepovers, etc. Be a super-mom. All of these things will make you feel so much better about yourself. And definitely not lonely.

Answer 6

Firstly, do you REALLY want this man out of your life? If you have really thought about this, and have been through the counselling processes, etc, then don't let loneliness, or any of his comments, stop you from making your choice.
Don't worry, there are lots of good guys around who will love you, respect you, and treat you AND your kids well. I've been in relationships with step kids involved, and the kids are not the problem (apart from 1 with older,druggie kids), in fact the kids can enhance the relationship. I still have good relationships with my step kids from previous relationships with their mothers (apart from the druggies). Maybe the relationships ended, but it was never the kids faults, just the normal incompatibility problems with the mums, with who I still am friends with. In fact one is my BEST friend and soul-mate. So you can rest your weary mind, collect your thoughts together, and then go out and find yourself a GOOD man who won't use you as his doormat. You will struggle for a while maybe, but it will make you a stronger person in the end and you will realise that YOU didn't have to rely on HIM to have a life. Good Luck & Happy new Year

Answer 7

Lonliness is natural. It is an emotional response to being apart from others - as such, it is expected that you would experience it at this time. However, to respond to your question, it is likely that as you deal with other anxieties (and probably depressed feelings) that come with enormous change you will be able to successfully begin to find a place in your social circle. It is wiser to develop and cultivate other friendships than to return to abuse. Just because he is in the proximity does not make you less lonely. You felt alone when he discounted and ridiculed you, right? Focus on your kids - they need you. Develop friendships at work, work on a hobby or interest, go to your church or synagog -- fill the spaces. Because lonliness is a feeling, your actions and thoughts will have a big impact. Don't reinforce the negative; take time to make real change!

Answer 8

Your hubby is just being a jerk. Do not believe for one second that you can not do this. You can do this. There are plenty of nice guys out there that will date someone that has kids. When I met my now husband, I had kids from a previous relationship and he had no issues with this and we got married. It takes time to become adjusted to doing things on your own, but it can be done and you will become a stronger person. If you are feeling lonely, make time to spend with friends or do something for yourself while the kids are visiting daddy.

Answer 9

Just what any control freak would say to keep you around. Sure, you'll be lonely for a while, but don't let that stop you from getting out of a bad situation.
And by the way, ever hear of a gal named Paula Deen? She was in exactly the same situation, with two sons, and look what she managed to do with her life. Don't look back now. Good luck.

Answer 10

If those two children are his then he will need to pay child support. If they are from former marriage or relationship, then you are on your own to collect it from those guys. So, having said that throw yourself into a career and taking care of the kids. Forget about another relationship with a man right now because you aren't ready. You sound very needy with claiming you are a doormat and then worrying you are lonely. You should have plenty of reason not to be lonely caring for your kids. Give them your time instead of wasting it on another failed relationship. Start today.