How do I heal myself from an abusive relationship, when he still lives here?

Question

I been with this guy for 7 years, married two of them. The abuse isnt all the time, but when it is, its bad, I have bruses all on my arm, and if I scream he'll take the car, and other things that he brought that the kids enjoy. Man, its tough. How can I get over this, I want to hate him, and I'm so hurt, I know Im a good person, and deserve much better, but how can I get over this. You think I could so easy, since he put his hands on me, but its not. I have three girls and a 4mth old boy, and I want to get over this quick, I live in a place where, where I can afford the rent so I cant move, and I just know in a couple of days hes going to try to make me feel guilty and say many Im sorry's. I wonder what will happen on New Years, Help Me pleace, is there some kind of pill I can take...I need real good advice..

Answer 1

it isn't that easy to leave when u have children and u depend on him. u need to make a plan, get into a group therapy where there will be others like yourself who are going through the same. with a man like this u never know when its coming, and couldn't be a happy life. the only one who can get u out of this is u. but anyplace is better than where your at. u just have to take that first step.

Answer 2

Listen to me carefully. My daughter was in a abusive marriage for the past several yrs. I tried to talk to her but when it came down to it she had to make a decision. She has 2 children that had witnessed the abuse. So you see your children are being affected too. This is not just your problem it's theirs too. Her husband did the sad story too that he loved her. If you love someone you don't hurt them. Anyway, she finally moved out of the house about two weeks ago and she has found a home she can afford (in fact she is buying it) Before when I would call her I could tell something was wrong by the tone of her voice. But she was telling me nothing was going on. She finally told me the truth and I am so glad she is getting away from him. She is happy now and that's all that counts. And no there is no pill that you can just take to make your problems go away. You need to get it together for yourself and your children. What you can do is get a protective order against him. So he would have to leave the resident. I know this probably scary to you but trust me it is for the best. It saddens me to know what you are going through and I just pray to God that you will be given the strenght to do whats right. God Bless!

Answer 3

I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years on and off. He would hit me if i caught him cheating. He would hit me if he came home late and i questioned him. He would take it out on me by mental or physical abuse. Then he would say I'm sorry right after and say I love you. You know i don't mean to. You know you are the only one for me. I was pregnant when the cheating started and after the baby was born the abuse started. At 25 i had a boy and the sht never got better but worse. He use to not leave bruises until after the boy was born. We were living with his sister at the very last and on New Years Eve Of 99 i walked out the door and left him. His sister kept the kids while i got my mind back and was mentally capable of functioning to take care of my baby's. This time my daughter was close to 7 and my boy was close to 3. I left with the clothes on my back and no where to go. I found a room for rent. I had a job already and went and got another.I was working 60 hrs a week and had one day off.I worked 4 ten hr days and worked 2 twelve hr shifts over the weekend. It took me 5 months to get myself together. I got my kids and out of a bad marriage. I met this man soon after i got my children and we have been together ever since. It is really nice to have a man come home and know he loves you and the kids. He has never raised a hand to me nor has he ever mentally screwed with me. We have been together for 8 yrs and it has been peaceful. You just either have to get out of it or deal with it. There are places that will help you and the kids. Take pictures of the bruises and go to your sheriff with those bruises on you . They will put him in jail. Then get a restraining order and a gun to protect you and those baby's for when he gets out . With abuse it is easier to get a divorce and with help.

Answer 4

At least you have realised that you are a good person and deserve better!! That is a huge start. I think that you know the next step is to leave. That will mean moving into uncertainty, but anything has got to be better than being abused hasnt it? There are people out there who can help you, you havent got to do it on your own. Do you have any relatives that you could stay with short term?

You know how he works, abuses then apolgises, that is mental as well as physical abuse. Get out while you can, if he abuses you, would he stop at the kids? Dont forget its not just you in this horrible situation

Answer 5

Ummmmm, ur never going to heal as long as ur in the abusive marriage. Rule # 1: Nobody deserves to be beat or have another person put their hands on them. I never understand woman who stay in abusive relationships, they have two favorite answers for staying, one is: he beats the shyt out of me because he loves me ( if ) that's love, no thank u.. I don't want anymore. Reason # 2 Is : The kids, they need a father ( True ) they really do... not some chicken shyt that beats their mom in front of them. The first thing to do in order to stop the abuse is lock his a** up, that means call the cops!
If ur worried about him taking things he wont be able to do that from behind bars...... u have all kinds of people waiting to help u ( battered woman ) hot line, social services and law enforcement. Stop being a volunteer and get u and ur kids to safety before that nut kills u. Ask urself one question, Whats love got to do with it ( Tina Tunner ). Stop walking around in fear on egg shells and lose that sorry sucker fast!

Answer 6

First off, what happened to you was NOT YOUR FAULT!

Second, feeling guilty plays right into his hands. As long as you keep blaming yourself, and downplaying and marginalizing what happened to you, he can keep manipulating you again and again. Domestic abuse needs a *willing partner* in order to exist. The only person who can make you a victim is YOURSELF. Nothing you could have ever said or did, could possibly justify what he did to you, there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

You say that it's "not all the time...." as if that make any difference. ONE TIME is TOO MANY!

Third, domestic abuse is a CRIME. If your abusive partner were truly sorry, he would go down to the police station and turn himself in...........He doesn't apologize because he truly feels guilt or remorse, he only apologizes because he is *afraid* of actually having to deal with the *consequences* of his actions.

If something inside him says that it's OK to beat his girlfriend when he's angry, then what's to stop him from shooting or stabbing you if he were to get angry enough?

If you aren't able to be strong for your own sake, then do it for *your children!* Girls who are exposed to domestic violence as children, are far more likely to end up in abusive relationship themselves, while boys are far more likely to become abusers. Domestic violence is a *learned behavior....*

Good luck!
~WOMBAT

Answer 7

Leave him.
Now
You deserve better than being treated the way you are. No one deserves to be treated like that.
If he is hurting you go to the police. He may have some issues that he needs sorting. It would be helping both of you and its not fair on the children either. Police can sort out a safe place for you and your children to stay while it get sorted. If you dont take action now he will think he can get away with it and treat you like that again and again.

Please do it. Be strong like the person you know you are and hold your head up high. Dont listen to him when he says sorry - he obviously doesnt mean it.
Go and find someone who deserves you.

Answer 8

You need to leave, any abuse is bad and your children are seeing this and will learn to be abusive.

Call a battered womens shelter for advice, support and help now.

I've been there and you must understand he is dangerous. You need counseling to break this cycle. There is a reason why you stay and were in a relationship with an abuser, something that needs to be discussed in counseling.

No, there is no quick fix, you need to feel the pain and move on. You can do this, I did. Is it easy, no. But it is worse staying. Be smart, get out and keep yourself and the kids safe.

Answer 9

The best advice anyone can give you is to seek some counseling. If he refuses to go - which he probably will - you owe it to yourself to help yourself. Don't you?

I'm sure there are social service agencies in your area who can help you get some answers and provide support for you.

You should know that this never gets better on it's own, it only gets worse. Next time, he may lose control and really hurt you. It happens every day, sadly.

There is something in you - outside of the fear and anxiety for your safety - that it making you stay with this man. That is the first question you need to resolve for yourself.

If all else fails, call the police. This should give him a major wake-up call, and demonstrate to him that this behavior is just not acceptable, any time, any way.

Good luck.



Good luck!

Answer 10

You need to either (1) go to a battered women's shelter or (2) go live with your mom's and dad while you get the divorce paper's drawn and "get your life together".

You can't heal yourself when you are still financially dependent on the abuser. That is why you might want to consider moving back in with mom and dad (with the children at all).

Let's face it. If you had your own money and your own car and stuff, you would leave in a heartbeat, but it isn't as simple as that.

You need to find some physical or financial security and then leave him. Expecting him to change his ways is a lost cause.