Husband says he can no longer deal with my unorganized ways.?

Question

I tend to stuff things out of sight. It's very hard for me to throw away anything. My closet is bursting at the seams,along with kitchen drawers, pantry shelves, storage cabinets etc etc.. He says I have destroyed his entire home with my clutter and crafting messes. It is so hard for me. Also he HATES me having our dog in the house, this is the hardest of all, because this dog means so much to me. She is my source of affection and I love her insanely.. My husband now looks at me with disgust in his eyes. He is hateful and mean along with no respect. We have three teenagers, a 5 bathroom home, and I feel like I'm cooking, cleaning and doing laundry all day to impress him when he walks in the door, and then when six oclock gets closer, here I am stuffing things out of sight again. My question is, Does this seem like conditional love? And is this really a valid reason for divorce? We've been together 14 years with full custody of his three kids,18,16 and 13 whom I consider my own.

Answer 1

Unless your home is a total disaster, unkept and not clean, I have a feeling that there is more to his anger issue than just the house or the dog. Being hateful and mean to you, and looking at you with disgust can't just be related to your unorganized way's.....unless, as I said before, your house is a dump. And if it is, you need to get busy sweetie and clean it up. If it is not, then you and hubby need to sit and discuss what is honestly at the root of his anger and contempt in you.

Answer 2

Have you sat down and tried compromising with your husband about this? If you've got a 5 bathroom house, I would think that you would have an extra bedroom or den or something that you could use to store all your crafting stuff. Maybe there's a room in the house that can be specifically yours that noone else will have to be in for any reason. Then you could keep it cluttered if that's what you like, and you can keep the door shut so that nobody else would have to see it either. But at the same time, you would have to suck it up and clean out your closet. There's bound to be clothes in your closet that are too little, too big, or just plain out of date and ugly! Toss them out! Check the pantry for outdated food and toss it. Anything in there that you and your family aren't eating, donate it to your local food pantry. When shopping, just don't buy stuff that you don't need or won't use right away.
If you're not working outside of the home, then in my opinion, you should be cooking, cleaning, and doing most of the laundry. When the kids are home, they should be helping some.
If this doesn't work, then you and your husband need to go to marriage counseling to get things straightened out. Divorce should only be a last resort that the two of you cannot resolve all your issues.

Answer 3

In your marriage vows did you pledge to get your love from the family dog? You should be seeking your love and affection from your husband. Certainly love the family pet, but you do sound overboard with it. The untidy disorganised home is something you admit to. Do you go to work? If not, then it truly is your job to take care of the home properly if he is out working for 8 hours a day. You put your back into it and give 8 solid hours a day of work in the home instead of stuffing around, and you will gain a neat house and a happy family. You only have yourself to blame. I can't think of one person who constantly would like to live with someone with the care skills of a tornado.

Get off your pity pot and flush. Just get stuck into being a real wife not an extra in the household who just messes about until a last dash effort at 6 o'clock.

You are setting a shocking example to the children this way. At their age, they should have allocated chores and be doing them as you should also.

And those who counselled you to get psychological help are quite right. You do have a problem and it is not said to be mean to you. But look at other friends' homes... can you see the same disorder and unhappiness there? I will bet you London to a brick the others do not run the household like a street market gone amok.

Start by apologising to your husband, send the bloody dog outside, it won't die, and start cleaning up and tossing crap you don't need.

I sure hope you do or your marriage is gone.

Lisa

Answer 4

Your husband is abusing you mentally and emotionally. I went through the same thing in my first marriage and recognize the signs. The clincher is that your dog is your source of affection. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being strongly attached to your dog - I have 3 I'm pretty darn crazy about myself; but your husband should be your main source of affection and he is not. You will never live up to his "standards" no matter how hard you try. He will get meaner and more hateful as time goes by. How long have you been together? I found in my first marriage that when he was ripping me down for one thing or another, basically there was something he wanted. He was bringing me so low, so that when it would come out that he wanted to do this or buy that, I wouldn't give him any hassle because he would be briefly happy again and not mean. Do go through your clutter one room at a time. If you haven't used it in 6 months and it's not a seasonal item (such as skis) set it in a for sale pile. Have a huge garage sale and since it's your stuff, you keep the proceeds. Use it to retain a lawyer. One word of caution though, when you leave, take your dog with you. My ex killed my dog after I left.

Answer 5

Hold on. You've been w/ this man for fourteen years. HIS youngest is 13. Hmmm? Sounds like the math doesn't add up. Surprised nobody else pointed this out. And, yes, sounds like conditional love to me. Staying married to a "hateful and mean" man just doesn't make any sense at all. Go on strike, take a vacation by yourself and see how he reacts when you come home. A real man pitches in and doesn't b***h about his busy wife's habits. Whatever your situation was that got the two of you together sounds obscure. Was he like this when you were dating? Or, did he just change when ya'll moved in together, and he discovered your ways. Hateful and mean is no way to go through life. Bless you.

Answer 6

You are clearly being taken for granted, it seems. Some of us are collectors/hoarders & there is NOTHING anyone can do about it.
If you fear that this unorganized mess of yours is going to cause severe problems, start working on getting the mess cleaned up.
You have to ask yourself, "Do I really need all this stuff?"
I wish you the very best of luck-just keep what you need. Sounds like you feel the need to keep your husband, so work on it. Even if you think he is being irrational-you need to show him that his feelings matter to you. Then maybe he can look at you with that light in his eyes again.

Answer 7

you two need to set aside a weekend, or longer, to go through all the closets and clear out all the clutter. You may need some counseling on why you need to buy and or keep useless stuff around-Oprah had a great show on recently about a woman whose house was so cluttered, there was only a small path in most of the rooms that you could walk in. It took an army of helpers to clear out all the stuff and sort out what to keep and what to toss or donate. You may not be at that level yet, but are headed in that direction. What is all this stuff replacing in your life?

Answer 8

I have a friend just like you. She is overwhelmed with her messy house and she feels like she is putting things away or cleaning all the time. Just like in the TV show "Clean Sweep" you need to clean out the junk. You also realize that your kids will grow up with the same "I can't throw away anything" habit? So, start with one bedroom. Get the garbage bags out and begin with the closet. Don't quit working on that room until it is tidy and clean. Throw all clothes you haven't worn in a year in a separate bag for the Salvation Army. Tell the kids what you want to do and see if you can enlist their help. Go through every drawer, too. You will be amazed at how good you feel and how easy it is to clean without all the clutter. Start today. This doesn't have anything to do with conditional love, he just can't live in this mess anymore.

Answer 9

you have a legitimate mental disorder. i am not saying that to be mean. you need professional help now!!your husband is correct except for the dog issue. and you are wrong to be thinking about the divorce thing with out first triing to remedy yourrrrr problem. you need to go threw a room at a time and have empty boxes available,discard anything you think you will use SOME day or with sentimental value that is foolish. have a garage sale or two, and whats left give to charities that can use it. i have a brother in law that does the same. u can not walk threw is garage and the house looks always like a sh-- hole. the family refuses to go there as it gives us the hebe gebees. seek help its out there and tell your husband of your plans and walk the talk.

Answer 10

First I would like to say that it sounds like you have OCD. That's not an insult. There are a lot of people out there who hang on to things that have no "real" value. The problem with this disorder is that it interferes with our everyday lives.
If he can't understand what lies behind your "collecting" he is going to feel anger and possibly resentment. "Why are these things more important to you, than my feelings?"
I recommend both counselling for you, to find some way to clear the clutter, and counselling for you and your husband to clear the air. 14 years is a long time to be together, and is harder to throw away than clutter and crafting items.
Blessed Be
~Dawna~