My husband left me the day before Christmas Eve. We have been together four years and have two kids, one is his biological and the other he has raised since he was a baby. We have never spent a whole day apart the whole time we've been together. For the past two months, he's been cheating on me with a 17 year old girl that he met on a dating site. She is quite a bit less attractive than me, but she was a virgin before she met him. Our relationship wasn't alway perfect. At times I questioned whether he was the one and I often took him for granted and tried to drive down his self-esteem because of my own insecurities. He always treated me good and did everything for me until he met her. Now he went to go live with this girl and her parents and took our daughter with him. (I am a full time student and I work). Now I realize that I made alot of mistakes and I drove him away, but is it too late?
2007-12-28 22:47:21 · 21 answers · asked by Rena 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Regarding the 17 year old, my husband is only 23. And I am 26.
2007-12-28 23:08:24 · update #1
u can't take all of the blame for this, he had a hand in it too. chances of him staying with her are slim, just pray and hope he comes home. get some therapy and when u do speak to him tell him u take responsibility in your part of the problem. he is a man with a low self worth who needed an ego boost, and found it in the arms of a 17 year old. i would not let him keep your child, he probably just took her so he could avoid paying u child support.
2007-12-29 01:44:51 · answer #1 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although he should not be with a 17 year old girl, I believe he went that way because at that age women are less likely to degrade a man.
It would have been easier if you had cheated rather than squash his ego.
If you really want to get back together, you will have to take the things you did wrong, multiply them times at least 5 and pay him back. You were making withdraws from his love bank the entire time. You are very overdrawn. If you make huge deposits so that you are no longer overdrawn AND you make more deposits than this other woman... then you will get him back. If you think this is too much to do... then let him go.
A relationship is as practical as your checking account. Nothing will satisfy the bank except that the account never be overdrawn. The more you leave in the account, the more the bank wants you as a customer.
Here is the tricky part... you CANNOT do the things that hurt him while you are paying him back. Anything you do negative at this point will be magnified 20 times and you will spiral downward faster than you can repay.
Read the book, "His needs, Her needs". It's the most practical book I have ever read in regard to relationship happiness and infidelity.
There are 3 things a man needs.
1. You have to stroke his ego
2. Consistent, quality sex (in line with his level of desire)
If his sex drive is such that he needs sex every other day... nothing else will suffice.
3. A man needs a woman who can accomplish half of the daily chores. I don't think most men care if they do the laundry or if a woman makes more money, but they do care that she is 50% of the relationship...
2007-12-28 23:13:30 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why are you so worried about losing your husband, but yet you make light of your daughter being taken? Holly Cow, I,d be in a nut-house if someone took my child! Come on lady, wheres your love & devotion to your child? This is absurd, I almost dont believe what Im reading. Im a real person, a woman with 3 children & a husband who lives a modest life, Im a good person & I work hard & Im a mom 1st & a wife 2nd, & as a mom I cant help but ask myself, whats wrong with this lady? What would ever make her feel more sorrow & regret over her loser hubby leaving her for a 17 year old girl, versus having her child taken out of her life? & To top it all off, your child is now living with strangers, does,nt that worry you? You dont know if these people are perverts or druggies or just flat out bad people, actually the fact that they allowed their 17 year old child to shack-up & move in a grown adult man with a child, should tell you these people are not the best people for your daughter to be around. & Then you claim your a full-time student, & are working, like that justifys & makes it all ok! Its time to stop worrying about the husband & do what ya gotta do to get your child, that is unless you dont care? & I,ll just bet, that you wont do anything but sit back & worry about your hubby & his 17 year old child girlfriend. Nice Mom!
2007-12-29 00:42:17 · answer #3 · answered by penelope 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he cheated on you, then deserted you, took your child and moved in with a 17 year old, I'd say you are better off without him in your life. What does concern me is that you allowed him to take your daughter from the home she knew and is now allowing a 17 year old girl take YOUR place. If you were truly concerned you would be FIGHTING to at least get your child back. Time to sit down and decide what your priorities are in life and what type of a parent you are. I am not saying he isn't a great father, but I seriously question the fact that he would place your daughter into this type of relationship/situation.
2007-12-28 23:03:48 · answer #4 · answered by canuck1950 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You both made mistakes - you through your insecurities and him through cheating (just being on a dating site when you're attached IS cheating). So you both have things to make up for.
And there is no use getting back together unless or until you get your individual problems sorted, otherwise you will both be in a loop of break-ups and make-ups. No good for the kids, no good for you two.
Whether or not he comes back, you do need to get your insecurities under control (maybe counseling?) or you will do the same in the next relationship(s). For now concentrate on what's best for you and the kids, and work out the rest later.
2007-12-28 23:11:37 · answer #5 · answered by Barb Outhere 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you because it is obvious that you are going through agony. Consider the possibility that your husband is gay and whether he is prepared to admit it or not there is no possible way that you can give him what he wants and through no fault of your own. You are a bright intelligent loving person so why are you so hung up on a guy who treats you so badly, who is blatantly secretive and is never going to give you what you want. You deserve so much better than that. Make a start today by getting rid of his stuff. Flog it, donate it, chuck it. He after all chose to leave it. Ask yourself why a normal married couple would even have a man cave? You know the answer, so clear it our paint it pink and begin to leave your own life. You are wasting time on a guy you should not want to take back.
2016-04-01 23:52:34 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you made some mistakes and drove down his self esteem sometimes but this does not give him an excuse to cheat on you with a 17 year old girl who was a virgin,its not an excuse for him to cheat on you with anyone
he will have to come back sometime because if he took your daughter then you legally get access to your daughter and if the worst come to the worst you could go to caught to get custody,because this is not right for your daughter,being taken and living with a 17 year old
i do not think this man is worth it but if you really love him then try and speak to him but i think it will be hard now that he is in another relationship but definitely do something about seeing your daughter
2007-12-28 23:02:21 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
After awhile you can only put someone down for so long. If she is 17 i doubt it will last. You took your relationship for granted and maybe you should tell him that. But that also doesnt give him a right to cheat on you. To me it sounds like your relationship hit rock bottom. Maybe you should move on, and next time you love someone dont take them for granted . I did before and now regrete it
2007-12-29 02:31:59 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is not all together there. Are you sure that you want him back? It could be that you are just used to having him around. I think you might just want to evaluate the situation and just set him free. You might have made mistakes in the relationship but he has made some also. Take some time and think this through. It might just be the time to move on.
2007-12-28 23:09:21 · answer #9 · answered by shar 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you're doing a whole lot of blaming of yourself. We all make mistakes and sometimes we take our spouses for granted, but cheating and leaving a family is unacceptable.
You shouldn't want him to come back. You should get your daughter back though. He's the one that broke the vows and doesn't deserve custody.
2007-12-28 23:57:29 · answer #10 · answered by radiohead_1967 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋