Another poem..... plz comment...?

Question

A losers tale

Being a novice in this game,
I laughed at fate in the face.

I loved him too much
to care.

I loved him so much
I almost lost
and forgot who I was.

They told me it wasn't love,
that that's not how it goes.

They warned me against
my hypocrisy.
They warned me again
they warned me again and again.

Too foolish and headstrong,
too stubborn to listen,
I played games in my head.

I played games with people,
too innocent and unaware.

I lost. I lost because of my stupidity.
I lost my identity.
I lost my credibility.
I lost because I didn't care.

Answer 1

I like the tone of your poem.

Perhaps you could look at the first stanza; fate in the face is awkward, though the meaning is clear. Unfortunately (?), changing that means a longer poem, since the 2nd stanza hangs on the first.

There's a contradiction between the 3rd and 6th stanzas; I almost lost and forgot who I was/I lost my identity. Was awareness of self lost, or not?

The tense and meaning are somewhat slippery. I played games in my head; okay, that justification. But; I played games with people too innocent and unaware. Games were played with whom..the advisors, other lovers later??
If ones self, that was already said.

The last stanza is good. A good ending, a good idea. Overall, a nice poem, and I think you may want to expand it.
Good luck.

Answer 2

I really love it,
what i think is really good about your poetry is that people can tell you lived and felt the things you are talking about, they're not just an invention,and that makes it believable.
You are really good,but maybe you should reconsider the repeating yourself thing.Sometimes it's good,"I lost my identity.I lost my credibility.",but i dont like the full picture of the last part.Work on it!
Also,you really need to make up your mind wheather you want your poetry to rhyme or not,because non-rhymic poetry is cool,at least thats what i think,but you cant have a part that rhymes and a part that doesnt.
thats not cool
So,good luck
And,i was wondering if you have a blog or something where i could read the rest of your poetry
E-mail me
Hope i'll hear from you again

Answer 3

The context is certainly understandable. I agree with one answer that alluded to,,,More secretive/suggestive, as opposed to some inferences to the obvious.

I suspect too, that I would have not used the word "loser"

In this case, only you truly know if you lost, and what, and recovery often happens anyway. I might have Titled the piece

Tales of Loss??? In any case You need not brand yourself the fool.

I'd also drop "They" and the direct reference to "Him". I loved too much would have worked as well. Just some finesse to do. AND just my two cents.

Steven Wolf

Not that FATE can be easily defined, or understood in the NOW. I think the opening is your HOOK.

Answer 4

It's not a bad poem. A few concerns which may be inconsistencies with your usage of the word "lost". In the third verse you say you "almost lost". Specifically, what did you almost lose? The way I read it is, you almost lost your identity, hence "forgetting who you are." If that is the case, two problems occur. First, that of redundancy. Forgetting who you are is enough to say you lost who you are. Secondly, you clearly admit in the last lines that you "lost your identity". If you are saying in the third line you almost lost your identity, and then finishing by saying you clearly lost your identity, there is a gap in logic? How can you almost lose something you lost? Make sense? Of course, I suppose one of the benefits of poetry is being able to dance around logic and laugh in it's face. Was this intentional, or am I just missing the meaning of what you "almost lost" in verse 3? Except for your usage of the word "lost" your poem ironically seems to be a pretty clear utterance on a "illogical" relationship, that many times we find ourselves in, sometimes by not heeding the advice of others, sometimes by, metophically speaking, "not being logical." I reread it one more time for safe measure. Are you saying in the third verse you "almost lost" the game?

Answer 5

ok, merry Christmas and a Humbug to Lex80 who's clearly a literary genius and a chuffed one besides. definitely, i does no longer take Lex80 heavily, you have gotten set your self up for a Lex Luther like remark once you stated, attempt to no longer be too damaging. that's like crying for some unhappy individual again and blast you. confident, perchance no longer a physically powerful theory to meander around the ghetto donning a shirts that asserts Please do no longer Shoot ME! i presumed the poem has somewhat an jap oriental experience to it. a number of your stanza's are awkward, to illustrate "like in this occasion he had under no circumstances sung." perchance try revising that somewhat. no longer undesirable, yet could desire to be greater effective with revision.

Answer 6

is that from the heart...? you are probably so young...
i like what you mean, but i think it would be better (jus tmy opinion) if the words used were more concealed, less obvious, in depth... i find poetry as an art of conveying emotions with words that define a single act, and find yourself applauding on how a simple act can be so beatifully written in so many or so little words...

but that's just my opinion..
you did great!

Answer 7

your poetry is great do u have like a profile with all your poetry cos id like 2 c more cos i write some poetry myself email me at [e-mail] also i loved the truth behind the emotion

Answer 8

. hello,
i'd like to be honest , i didn't like your poem except the last line. the last para was very good.your other poem was much better. in fact that was excellent.
hope i haven't been rude!

Answer 9

nice

Answer 10

excellent ya!