Did I marry the wrong man. I love my husband i've been with him for 8 yrs but a man from my past haunts me

Question

When I met my husband I had a close friend but our relationship was never more than buddies. I haven't seen him in a couple of years. However from mutual friends I hear he asks about me all the time. Everyone seems to notice our chemistry and my husband is silently jealous of him. We have never been physical and I have told my husband this. He does not like my husband and for good reason ( my husband is a drug addict ). My husband is in rehab now but I can't help having this feeling of too little too late. My husband was a social drinker and occasionally used drugs usually at parties or things not very often. For th past 5 years it has gradually gotten worse and the last year or so it has gotten insane. I cant count how many times I've gone through the I quite ordeal with him but he finally went to rehab but hes not out yet. I think I married the wrong man. I didnt give my old friend enough time to start a romance or was it just never meant to be, why can't I stop thinking about him

I would never leave my husband for my old friend I just can't shake this feeling that I married the wrong man.. this has crossed my mind a number of times over the years and have not seen him for a couple of years just because it makes my husband uncomfortable (although he would never admit it), however we talk on the phone from time to time.

Please understand I love my husband and I don't want to leave him I don't want a divorce. I still look at at my husband and see the handsome man I met. I still feel his love and affection and love being in his arms and sharing his bed and coming home to him. I just think there should be more than love shouldn't we be friends too we used to be before the drugs now I feel like his keeper something... like I said I have never been physical with my friend and never really found him physically attractive so I dont know if we would even have that chemistry but I miss the different type of affection we shared maybe I just miss my friend maybe I want the attraction I have to my husband and the affection I shared with my friend. is it possible to have both?

Answer 1

You can't stop thinking about what would have been because you're not very happy with what is.

If your husband was clean and sober and great, chances are none of this would ever cross your mind.

It's just a case of the "grass being greener." And, quite honestly, it's understandable given your situation.

Answer 2

Don't go running off to the old flame just yet.
You have already admitted to us that you have made a very bad decision with your husband. He's an addict, as you tell us. That is a good sign that you don't have the best ability to pick a man.
The old flame may be a nice guy, but you may have suffered emotional issues from the relationship with your husband.
Get some help for yourself first, and make sure that you are confident in your abilities as well.
Make time in your life to put yourself first, unless you have children, and then they come first no matter what. If no children, proceed very slowly with the old flame after making sure that your head is on straight first.
You should at least contact ALANON for yourself for help. People who are in relationships with addicts usually end up with some problems that they aren't fully aware of due to the destruction that addicts tend to bring with them.
If you have children, swear off a new husband completely, until your youngest child has grown and moved out on their own. It sounds harsh, but it really is harder to try to balance a personal realtionship with another adult and to give your children the proper Love and guidance that they need.
Sometimes adults long for a personal relationship so much that they let almost anybody become that new squeeze, and the new person coming into your life is just as bad or worse than what you had with the addict.

Answer 3

rushing off with some old flame/friend or whatever he was, isn't going to change your life.

you have lived with an addict, and it's time to stop and take care of YOU... those of us affected by drug addicts and alcoholics are deeply, emotionally affected... please, turn to help if you have not done so already.

now is the time to concentrate on YOU.

you are thinking about this guy more probably because you have some turmoil in your own life and it's a source of "escape' and comfort...

fantasies and memories and wondering are just fine... but you have nothing to give to the guy emotionally.

besides, it's been years since you've "known" him, and i'm sure he's not the same person. sometimes it's better to have nice memories and be thankful someone walked through our lives.

Right now, your best bet is to decide what direction YOUR own life is taking... and i hope things work out with your husband and he has the will and strength to recover. If not, please remember, you need to grieve your losses and take care of YOU.

hugs

Answer 4

#1 it doesn't take a genius to see that your husband is a loser and clearly you should have chosen the other guy,purely on the fact that he is a drug addict so the bad news is you need to honor your vows (for better or worse) this is the worst your only having these feelings because your husband let you down so be a good wife and be there for your husband he needs you now more than ever, cuz if it was meant to be it would have been.

Answer 5

I understand your situation cause I have been there..What ever crosses your mind just don't cheat on your husband..If you think your with the wrong men and I would think i'm with the wrong man too if I was you..then worse case scenario is you have to leave your husband..but what ever you do stay faithful.

Answer 6

Trying not to be "mean" about this, as it sounds like a simple case of "poor judgement" gone REAL bad !
Short answer; "You made your bed, now lay in it."
NEXT; "That marriage vow "thing", ummm, somthing about, "richer, poorer, sickness, health, better, worse, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS...." Do you recall any of that, or have a "clue" what that ALL means?

Everyone wants a "throw-away" life!! "It's HARD, I don't want to WORK on my marriage." If it was easy, we'd have less of a divorce rate? How about if people had a REAL "clue" that "words MEAN things!" Maybe the age for marriage should be raised to:"Sometime after these idiots GROW-UP!!"???

Answer 7

I think if you are going to get divorced.. Do it becuase of the other circumstances. Not becuase of your old friend. You don't know what will happen with that.

Answer 8

Cauz your husband ain't so hot now.

Answer 9

God Bless you.