When and How should I tell him I want out?

Question

I've been married for a little over 5 years and have 2 beautiful children , my son is almost 3 and my daughter is 18 months, I speak of them because they are my main concern. I don't want to mess them up. I am and have been very unhappy in this relationship for a long time. He knows somewhat but really if he payed attention would know completely. I am planning on leaving within the next 4 months or so, the reason I have not told him is because I am going in for Bariatric surgery in amonth or so and need the insurance. I also know this will be a rough time and want there to be as much normalcy as possible for the kids. I do feel extremely guilty about not telling him what my plans are but don't know what else to do. We have had problems in the past and things will get better for a while but than it just goes back to the same old crap. I do care about him and feel bad but I know I have to leave for the sake of my own sanity. What is the best way to handle this and make kids be ok?

I have asked him to go to conseling but he will not, and he is the type of person who would not participate in it anyway.

Answer 1

Hi hon.. it sounds like you have tried during the course of your marriage. sometimes we end up seeing that things won't change or get better, so we have to plan to go... i understand.

fortunately your children are young enough that the divorce probably won't have a huge emotional impact on them. younger children are more resilient than older ones.

if and when you decide to split up, you can tell your husband that the kids are number one and you would like to try to get along when it comes to their welfare and sharing visits. let him know you want them to respect both of you. after all you still care for the guy, and i think that trying to be positive and cooperative when it comes to the children helps very much

perhaps your husband is feeling the same way about the marriage?

after your surgery and you've recovered is probably the best time to talk with your husband. i hope things work out for you and your husband. i know this isnt easy for you. sometimes life tosses crap at us doesn't it?

take care.

Answer 2

Divorce should never be an option when there are children because they are the ones hurt the most. The only exceptions to that are 1) an affair 2) abuse 3) alcoholism.
If one of those 3 things are present then I would agree to a divorce.
You are clearly staing that you are using him, and that isn't right either.
I don't have enough info from what you have said, and I am sure that you both have contributed to the problems not just him. Using him for his insurance doesn't make you any better, no matter what the reasoning is.
If the problems a mentioned are not an issue, then I suggest maybe a seperation until things can be worked out, but not a divorce. If they are present you need to follow your instincts so you can protect your children to the best of your ability.

Answer 3

Whatever you do, be honest with him.

If you have not both tried couples counseling, then you should try that; but BOTH of you must want to make things work.

If he is not abusive to you or the children then do not let some shyster lawyer tell you to file a DV order on him. It isn't right for either of you and it certainly will harm the children in the long run.

Children of divorce learn from the relationships that their parents have with them and each other. the more painless this is on the both of you the more painless it will be on the children.

Too often, the courts order excessive child support orders also. Do everything possible to keep it reasonable or the courts will cause serious financial and emotional harm to him and it will be noticed by the kids.
Make sure that the kids have as normal as possible relationship with the dad as well.

If you can make shared parenting happen in your case and your state, then do so. This will allow the kids to stay with each of you half of the year with liberal visitation and no need for a support order to mess with. Also, statistically, kids in a shared parenting situation have healthier emotional lives and grow up more grounded and centered than other children of divorce.

Answer 4

Well if you want this from a kids point of view( whose parents got divorced when she was 3) it is really selfish to wait to do that surgery for the insurance. But if you are really unhappy the kids will understand someday soon. I know I understand the divorce, and if you stay with your husband and are unhappy, your kids will get the wrong idea of what a marriage is all about. If you work something out with child support, get a steady job, everything will be a lot better and your children will actually end up alot stronger later in life, and will not mind, and might thankyou for getting out of that unhealthy relationship

Answer 5

A divorce is neer really easy for the kids but they are resiliant and bounce back but the younger they are the quicker they rebound. There is never any really good time to tellyour spouse you want out but it looks like you already have a plan with a reason for telling him. I sense youre having regrets not telling him now but with what youve got coiming up, why upset the status quo now? Wait til youre ready and can handle the backlash that will certainly come. If he does sense this now,hes probably in denial and hoping its untrue but let him know when youre ready to tell him and try to remain friends as much as possible,its easier for the kids if they dont see mom and dad killing each other and the divorce will go much easier. You will be awarded the kids unless the courts can rule you unfit by way of child and/or drug/mental charges, and you will get child support with possible spousal support too. Sorry to hear about your marriage and good luck

Answer 6

I think you should consider family and couples counseling. Honestly it helps to talk out the problems and concerns you have on neutral ground. The counselor can help you to sort out your feelings and help you and your spouse to better communicate with one another. I don't know how serious your problems are in your relationship, whether or not they are little annoying habits that absolutely drive you nuts or if they are full blown deal breakers like cheating or abusiveness. You expressed that your main concern is your children and that you want them to be OK. If that is the case then you need to be OK with yourself. Kids are more resilient yes! But they are also human and even the smallest worry can be detected by them. Sooner or later they will figure out that something is going on. Its a child's coping mechanism to automatically think they are to blame for your unhappiness. They do not understand adult situations and should not have to. If you are concerned for your children, then go to counseling. Talk out your problems and voice your concerns. Communication is the key. I rather doubt your partner is a mind reader. Tell him what you want and how you feel. Talk it out.

Answer 7

I think you should make the transitstion for the children as easy as possible and leave when you feel is the best time for you and the kids.

Answer 8

this is just my opinion you should tell him a little while before you leave so he has time to sort of understand it and except it and you should tell him how you feel and why you think to leave as for the kids maybe wait till they can understand or if you want try to explain to them whats going on and about there dad i hope this help im no pro so im not that good

Answer 9

If you want out you need to do something sooner rather than later. Do not stay in it just for the kids. There is too much emotion involved and you will just screw them up more. You should be happy, that is what is best for your kids.

Answer 10

ASAP I feel you should consider his feelings as well. Insurance or not you could die during the procedure and you would have left some unfinished business behind you.
Do it for the sake of the children not for the insurance.