Is it possible to fall in love again after falling out for so long?

Question

For the past 8 months, I've endured my husband getting drunk every weekend or should I say every 10 days and mentally abusing me. I think I have fallen out of love for him. I dont feel nothing for him. He's put on so much weight that he doesnt turn me on anymore. Our sex life just sucks too because of that. In the last 3 weeks he has realized as to what he's doing or so I hope. He tells me he loves me and wants to start a new begining, but I cant tell him that because I dont feel it. He has made some improvements. Will those feelings ever comme back? I am rather confused and not sure what to do. we also have two boys together that I have to think about. Please I need some real and honest answers. My marriage depends on this. thank you

Answer 1

loving someone is not about how u feel, its a decision u make to stay with that person in spite of the problems. but abuse of any kind is a real deal breaker and u shouldn't put up with this. feelings can come back if enough remorse is shown by your hubby. as time goes by and if he really improves, i am certain the love can come back. but it takes two to work on it. christian counseling is said to be able to do wonders. anything can change at any time, if u loved him before u can again providing he is willing to make changes. much of the physical thing that's going on is caused by how u feel emotionally.

Answer 2

It sounds like you want to stay with him. If that is the case, and he's really trying, you need to give him the opportunity to do that. If he's trying, that means he values you. This is a start hun - knowing that you are valued is an excellent beginning on your road to reclaiming a happy marriage. Keep in mind that love changes the longer you are with somebody - so don't go overboard in your expectations of how you want to feel. You may not get those giddy school girl feelings back, but that is not that only way to feel love.

Also keep in mind, that while he is trying, you cannot bring up every little thing he has ever done wrong every time you argue (and yes - you will still argue - it happens). You need to allow him to wash his slate so to speak. He can't undo what he did - but he can strive for a better future.

You guys need date nights - even if you spend them at home - time for the two of you alone.

It's going to take work from both of you - but if you are determined, things will work out. He wants to make amends...He still loves you.

As for the weight thing (superficial btw)- be diplomatic about it. Tell him you are concerned for his health and get him to start exercising. Maybe you guys should start taking walks together - join a gym together - hiking. If you do the shopping and cooking, start choosing healthier alternatives. Even if he hadn't gained weight, a healty lifestyle change is never a bad idea.

You guys can do this - Learn to have fun together:),

Best wishes

~J.M.

P.S. consider couseling as well

Answer 3

I think that if you love this man an you really want to save your marriage then anything is possible! You just have to be willing to try! Don't stay just for your boys because it's only gonna end eventually with or without your boys! I think love is a strong thing an us women we are put through alot in our life's but we have to either deal with them or throw thing's away! It's up to you an how you feel! If your husband is trying then you shouldn't give up on him just yet at least give him the benefit of the doubt but don't let him push you! Good Luck

Answer 4

Yes, you can have feelings of love for him again, but here are two important things to consider. First, over time the original "love" you felt when you fell in love change into something else. Some people manage to maintain that crazy fun "in love" feeling for a long time, but most people exchange some of the passion for a more subtle, satisfied sort of loving feeling. Nothing wrong with that, but I mention this first because I think that you may not ever "fall in love" in the same way you did before.

However, second point, yes you can find love and happiness with him again IF he takes the initiative to clean himself up and treat you well. This means that his job is to get help for his alcohol abuse (AA meetings, cold turkey, friends, relatives, whatever it takes) and he needs to speak to you with CONSISTENT kindness and respect. You have been burned by him, so you don't have to be his best friend again over night, but the fact that he understands that he has a problem is a good first step to winning you back. Your job is to keep an open mind and allow him to show you his best behavior. It's up to you to measure if he is making progress. Anybody with a bad habit isn't going to turn into a saint overnight, but they should be able to show very real progress. Tell him the rules up front -- there will be ZERO tolerance for mental abuse. Tell him if he is allowed one mistake or if the next mistake will result in him getting kicked to the curb. Tell him that if he is getting real help for the drinking and he appears to be making an effort, that you'll support his efforts. Understand that he will slip up a little in the early days, but those slip ups should disappear QUICKLY and be strong for him during those early slip ups instead of being too harsh -- he NEEDS someone to believe in him. There's a reason he is drinking like that -- unhappiness about something.

If he makes these changes then you'll see fairly quickly if some of the loving feeling returns. Keep in mind -- he has problems. These behaviors of his are indicative of something bigger. I'm pretty sure that he isn't getting fat, drunk, and abusive because he feels as happy and satisfied as he did when you first got married. Think to yourself what might be hurting him -- job security or satisfaction, health problems, parental problems? Does he feel inadequate as a father? As hard as it might be to see or admit, have you become harder to live with? Do you spend much more time with the kids now and does that leave him left out in the cold? Have you had issues that he might feel incapable of dealing with? Your question suggests that there are deep-seated issues to think about (I've been there!).

Good luck and most of all, treat yourself well. It's not up to you to solve his problems, but you can provide a strong shoulder upon which he can lean while trying to fix himself. If he doesn't work on it, then forget it, the thrill is gone.

Answer 5

Please fight through the feelings of being out of love. Quite frankly he needs your love more than ever. I know that he is being very difficult. I'm curious has this just begun happening or did you gloss it over during your dating days? I'm guessing this isn't a big surprise to you. It has just gotten ugly. Do you have a pastor you guys can go to? This can be fixed but he is going to need some help. Hang in there. Your love has not gone away. You may be tired of this but not really out of love. I really do believe he will get help if you ask him to. Don't yell, but sit down and discuss it with him. And do it when he is sober.

Answer 6

Lets see , during all of this time it is ALL about HIS drinking and HIS weight gain and His letting himself go.
Yet through all of this you have not changed a bit.

Perhaps he is drinking because you are a pain in the butt.
perhaps he does not care because you do not. Did that ever occur?

My honest answer is that you will not likely find a guy who accepts you for who you have become so you better learn to like the one who did again.

It is probably true that you have done nothing to motivate him to want to be more attractive for you so do not expect him to change for you.

More likely, he will clean up his act for himself, lose weight because he wants to go back on the market and find a woman who will accept him as is and not as she wants him to be.

Cut the crap and figure out that you have a very bad attitude.

You deserve to move out, be lonely and come to find that no one will take you with all your complaining and "standards".
Honey, after two kids and however years of marriage, if you think he does not have similar feelings about your appearance and attitude you are probably mistaken.

Perhaps you might be well served to "count your blessings" and start looking for some good things rather than dwelling on the bad.

CONFUSED? I don't think so.
Ungrateful, more likely.

Follow Up, I would suspect that your "bipolar" has NOTHING to do with this either.

Answer 7

I think honestly that if he makes the change and is different you could fall for him again.... possibly. Abuse in any form is a turn off. What were the things that you saw and loved in him when you met? Are they still there? Is he completly different? Did you communicate with him all along or did you keep it all inside and he didnt even know what he was doing? Did he give you a chance to speak and tell him your frustrations?


Five questions before you break up as per yahoo....
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/17045/the-breakup-test;_ylc=X3oDMTFpaWlwamc0BF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEc2VjA2ZwX3RvZGF5BHNsawN0aGUtYnJlYWt1cC10ZXN0BHp6A2Fi

Answer 8

People fall in and out of love all the time! That's what marriage is. Don't give up on him! "Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I need it most." is one of my favorite quotes and is so true. God created YOU to be his wife. Go see a councelor and help him work his stuff out....your marriage will be incredible and you will never regret it!

Answer 9

Remeber, addicts are sick and need help and support.
Then man you fell in love with is in there somewhere trapped and needs assistance finding his way out because he is lost.

A lost person needs to be found.

Its a very very hard thing to do is to live with and to help an addict but it can be done and be very rewarding leading to very super tight bonds. But, an addict will only change for the better if the addict wants to, because they will not allow themselves to be forced from any outside source. They may fake it, but only succeed if they want to.
But, at the same time an addict can ruin your life.

The choice is yours. Good luck.

Answer 10

You can fall in and out of love w/your spouse numerous times. It takes work, is it worth working for? If so, work on it--if not move on.