Should I stay with my husband?

Question

My husband and I have been married since June of 2006 and he's active army, we only lived with each other maybe 3 months out of our marriage and he was physically abusive during that time. Now he is currently deployed to Iraq and his physical abuse has turned into verbal abuse, he blames this on him being in a war. I dont know what to do, I do still love him and I dont know if I should stick it out and wait for him to get help.

I do have children one with another man and I just had his first child in July. I have asked him to get help and do not plan on moving back in with him when he gets back till he gets help. But he just doesn't think he's done anything wrong and my parents/family think I should stick it out with him.

Answer 1

Let him know that you realize the terrible things that are going on in Iraq, but that it is unacceptable to abuse you in any way, shape or manner.

Find a psychiatrist and a therapist that specialize in war trauma, and give him their numbers. Tell him that you expect him to get help, or your marriage is over. Find an alternative place for him to live while he's receiving this therapy.

Get to know him again in small ways, slowly. If he blows up or abuses you in any way, call the police, and file divorce papers on him.

Sometimes, I'm sure you know, people come back from war irreparably changed. Sometimes they can't resume their old lives. I hope your husband isn't one of those people.

TX Mom

Answer 2

You are faced with the hardest of choices for any married woman..except for one with children. Whatever you decide, decide it before you find yourself having to consider children.If your husband was physically abusive from the start and in verbally abusive now that you are out of arms reach..of course it may have to do with him being in a war situation, if he was in one before your marriage began..but even then, you have to think of your own safety and the fact that in another year or two there might be a baby..or two...to make you feel less able to cope on your own. If you love him then perhaps a trial separation during which he could seek help and you could still see each other but not live under the same roof until you feel safer doing so. You might even try and get a little counselling for yourself right now, not marriage guidance, but just someone to listen and not judge while you work out your feelings and what you think you really should do about them.
Ask your G.P. for a referral and explain that it is a matter of urgency as you want the help before the disaster and not afterwards. In any event I wish you and your husband a good outcome.

Answer 3

Yes he needs help for sure before he comes back in to your home with you and your children. If you love him enough to be there when he gets back and work with him while he is getting help then he should also do his part as your husband to get the right help and not put his family in that bad enviroment until he is all better. I dont think you should give up on him, but if he doesnt get help and thinks he can just come back into your home and treat you like that and your children then thats a big NO NO! Good luck and i hope you make the best decision not only for yourself but your whole family including him because he needs help too. It might not hurt if you get some help on how to deal with guys who have side effects from war.

Answer 4

Ok ok just settle down everyone and let a expert have his voice ,me and my wife - girlfriend has seen it all, ill let her have a say in a moment ,**** happens and people do change but you should not take abuse fight back call the police putt him in check before he wrecks himself,he has problems that need to be addressed heres my wife - girlfriend. You should leave, (no one) army or not is worth the hurt or the stress of being abused. I went through allot of abuse for the first many years of our relationship because of his drinking problem. We went through anger management and other stuff. He has changed now but if I had to do it over I would leave now I'm full of anger because of all the waisted years we should have been loving to each other. As we've gotten older we've learned to become loving to each other but this is how it should have started out. You are worth someone being loving to you and being that he's so far away from you this is how he should be treating you and missing you. You notice he calls me his wife/girlfriend well I may have stayed with him but I refuse to marry him and that's probably because allot of anger grew over the years and I'd hate to see this happen to you.

Answer 5

the men that fight over there come back completely different people. the things that they see and the emotions that they are forced to go through change them. people deal with anger and fear in alot of different ways, and verbal and physical abuse are a couple of them. unfortunately no one can tell you if he will ever change or if it really does stem from him being in the war. my father began abusing my mom about a week after they got married.....he blamed it on being stationed in Germany so far from home...but 32 years later he was still doing it and she stuck it out because she thought it would be best for us. i think the best thing to do and to see if he really loves you is to seperate...go with him to get help...and if you believe without a shadow of a doubt that he is better and you don't have to fear him anymore then give it another go.....if that isn't the case then you just need to move on and find someone that will love you even when they are stressed. you only get ONE life. don't spend it waiting on someone to change that can't just because you love them

Answer 6

Several options are open to you , as someone suggested , talk to his 1SGT or whoever is in charge of the rear detachment and get counselling , for both of you.Not trying to be rude here but if you have questions about staying in an abusive relation you may need help also. The military is very family oriented nowdays and frowns on abuse. Seek help from the unit or run away

Answer 7

being that i know a few who have been deployed to iraq, i can kind of excuse what you've said off as being all part of it. but i also know that the army has learned a lot about warfare and their soldiers since the past wars, and they keep close tabs on the psychological well being of their troops. with that said, i'd suggest that you call the army authorities and get your man into some serious counseling. being part of a war is life changing in ways that none of us can imagine. and he has no right whatsoever to completely excuse any sort of abusive behavior done on his part.

Answer 8

Unfortunately the ones we love and are around the most are the ones who get all the negative, emotional, and physical abuse and we don't always mean it it is because they are the ones who are around us the most so we tend to take it on them. I don't want to tell you what to do this is your life and your decision, I can say it is not fair for him to blame you he is there that is the governments decision and his choice to be in the military unfortunately you are the one he lashes out at over his aggravation! You have to make the decision what to do as far as your being with him, try to remember we do not understand what they see and experience over there everyday maybe he is just scared and instead of showing you that he lashes out to seem like the tough guy. GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

The whole only living together for 3 months is part of being married to the military.If he is physically abusive then you should tell him to talk to someone at work they have people there to help.Know one on here can tell you to stay or not that is up to you we do not know how bad things really are.I have been there and I know it is hard.Good luck on whatever you decided and I hope he makes it home safe.

Answer 10

No, was he at war while he was physically abusive? He can't just blame it on the war and then not do anything about it. If his commanders found out, he'd be booted. If he's willing to get help (he can always go talk to his chaplain at least) then maybe. I would go to a therapist (they have 'em at the military hospitals too) and tlak this out to decide. Good luck!