Is it wrong of me to ask my husband for help?

Question

I have been a stay at home mother of two for the last 4 months. Before that I worked 50-60 hr weeks in a 5 star hotel, pulling double shifts and working overnights. I was coming home around 2am nightly, then having to get up w/ the kids at 6am so that my hubby could go to work. I would go back to work @ 3pm and do it all over again, sometimes only getting 1 day off or worse none. I was under a LOT of stress when my hubby agreed that I needed to be home with the kids (2 & 3 yrs). He had chose to get a second job (10-16 hrs a week), and I was collecting unemploy. so we were pretty much averaging the same income as when I was working. The 1st month being home was the most difficult, I didn't have a routine or a schedule. He would get upset that something didn't get done b/c I was home all day. Throwing in my face that he's the only one working! I get no time to myself, and when I ask him if he can take the kids, he tells me he has other things to do. I feel selfish if I ask for help

Answer 1

You should not feel selfish asking for help from your hubby. Marriage (and parenting) is a give and take relationship. Everything should be shared equally, including caring for the house and/or the children.

I understand that you are a stay at home Mom, but that doesn't mean that you should not have time to yourself or that you are not entitled to a break every once in a while.

While the bulk of the housework and caring for the children falls on your shoulders, through your own choice, your hubby should be supportive and understanding that you work just as hard (if not harder) by being a DOMESTIC GODDESS, as you would if you were still working outside the home. You can get just as burnt out and frustrated as you did when you worked outside the home.

In order for your sanity and marriage to survive, I think you two should come to some type of agreement and understanding as to "your time".

The sooner....the better!! Best of luck to you sweetie! :)

Answer 2

If I understand correctly, I understand you both. In his mind he has been at work all day and you don't do anything but stay home with the kids, therefore the things he expect to be done should be done (IN HIS MIND). Also he could have become accustomed to you working all the time and unconsciously look at you as a worker or a provider. Don't feel guilty or selfish for asking your husband for help. Those are his kids as well. When you worked your 2 jobs I'm sure you found some time for your kids. Well moms should not be the only super parents dads should be as well. Talk to him. Remember that communication is the best way to keep a relationship going. If he love you he will hear you and work something out with you. One last thing, marriage may never be 50-50. it may be 70-30, 40-60, 80-20 or maybe even 90-10 for a moment. But its about working together to accomplish the the things that needs to be accomplished.
I wish you well.

Answer 3

I see where you are coming from. I was a stay at home mother with my first daughter until she was 2 now she is 9. I was a stay at home mom when I was pregnant until my baby was 4 months now she is 2.

There is something that a lot of people do not realize about stay at home moms. The kids never "go home". Out job is during the day all day and when the husband comes home he wants food which, may or may not be ready, depending on how the kids were acting. Then when he is done eating, who has to bathe the baby who has dinner all over themselves or handle to homework and put the kids to bed? Not the dad who was "at work all day". The mom does it. On the weekends, who takes care of the kids? The mom does "dad has to go to work on Monday." Or the weekends? Who gets up to get the kids breakfast.
Anyway you get my point? DO NOT FEEL guilty for wanting some time to yourself! I used to too, but no I go to the mall with my mom now, or go get coffee on the weekends. You HAVE to or else you will start feeling the life is getting sucked out of you. Also, DO not let yourself go! Get your hair cut, and if you can afford extras, get pedicures and manicures. If you can't afford it. Learn to do them yourself! I did and they look better then the salons. And at least I know my tools are sanitary.
Good luck.

Answer 4

I just don't think it would be wrong to ask for it. Having kids requires effort from BOTH parents. However, both sides have to compromise.
If he is so upset about having to work two jobs, perhaps you should examine your lifestyle. If you get rid of little extras, such as car payments and cell phones, you could save yourself some money there. I'm not implying anything about your life, but it is a thought.
When I first got married, my husband and I had problems with how life was because he had to work all the time to make the ends meet. After sitting down and running a quick budget, I realized our life would be a lot easier if we simply sold the truck. Just a thought.

Answer 5

You shouldn't feel selfish. The job you are doing now is much more taxing, unappreciated and boring than any job you will ever have again. It's also the most important job... being with your children. If you don't believe this, how do you expect your husband to? You need to gain confidence that what you are doing is worth much more than just money and no price could ever be put on it. If your husband loves the children as much as you do, he should understand this. If all else fails, leave him for a long weekend with the kids and see what he gets done!

Answer 6

It is hard to balance this, I know I have been there. Look for Mom groups in your area, Meetup.com has some just about everywhere. The comradery of Mom's helps you keep your sanity. Remember as stressed as you are, so is your husband. I have coped by joining a gym with a daycare inside. It doesn't cost much at all, and while you are working out your kids are being watched close by (you feel like you are still being a "good") Mom....Plus you get to do something good for you too. I have been doing this for a month now, and I think it has really helped my stress level. Good luck, things will mellow out.

Answer 7

You are suffering from exhaustion. May I suggest that HE is too. Exhaustion doesn't make good parents! Get a part time job that will pay for the day-care plus a little...and get back on your husband's schedule. You both need some cuddling and time together. It IS so hard! My husband and I lived through this when we were first married... and ALL that really helped was making time for each other! Do your housework in 20 minute ON times. Give yourself a rest time in there...but stick to it. You are suffering from situational depression...and so is he. Children are SO very difficult in the early years! Good luck to all of you in the New Year! Hugs, Gina C.

Answer 8

So ask a neighbor, relative, etc if they can take the kids for a couple hours. Like say on a Friday or Sat night when he's home, you and he get to go on a date. He's probably over stressed as well, as are you, so you and he get to go to dinner and whatever for an evening. Do it maybe one or two evenings a month. Maybe even one evening a week, if you can swing it.

Answer 9

Yes I think it would be wrong. He is working two jobs...when do you think he gets time to himself..the car? I suggest you have set date nights or take your children to grandparents or a friends once or twice a week. Your husband is already working his tail off so you are able to stay home with your child.

Answer 10

I don't think you should feel that you are selfish. But you should keep in mind that having kids that age just totally sucks, it isn't his fault, it isn't yours. Well, ok, it's both you decided to have them. It gets better when they get to be six or seven. Both of you need to just realize that the toddler years are destroyers of relationships, you just need to make it out the other side.