How do you comfort a friend when their newborn baby dies?

Question

I have a close friend from highschool and his wife was recently pregnant. (I have never met his wife, but have added her as a friend on myspace.) At any rate, I text messaged my friend about two weeks ago and asked him if they had the baby. He told his wife was scheduled to have a c-section the very next day, and I asked him to call me when the baby was born. He never did, so two days later I text messaged him and asked "Is he as beautiful as we expected him to be? what did you name him? how is the health of your wife and baby?" He wrote back telling me they were fine. I checked his wife's myspace a few days later and saw pics. She wrote saying that the baby was born and that he wasn't doing too well and that he will be having surgery soon. I hadn't heard anything in a week so I checked again today and found out that their baby did not make it. I want to give them my condolences. How do I do that? Also do any of you have a bible verse or quote I can use when I write them?

Unfortunately I will not be able to attend the funeral. I live in California and they will be having the funeral in New York

Answer 1

*** sorry I didn't realize how long I got... but it's worth it!!

ok... from my personal experience... as a parent who lost a newborn (preemie, lived an hour)... the things that meant the most to me were:

- those who came to the funeral... it was all a blurr, but I can tell you the name of every person who went.

-those who came by to "check on me" in the weeks afterwards... though many I turned away at the door, I still remember their faces, love that they cared enough to come by, and appreciate the thought.

- flowers... not mandatory, sort of nice, but if you do or don't... make sure to send a personal note - even if it is just a hallmark card, write something personal in it. they don't have many things for their baby, to remind them of him. so hand written personal notes of love and prayer and "I'm here for you" are priceless and will maybe be tossed into a box at first, but maybe... years later, like me, 7 years later I'm pulling that stuff out of a box and making a scrapbook out of it - I'm so thankful that I had the brain to save them, even more thankful that others thought of sending them. Even the little cards that go w/ flower arrangements if you send some, go to a flowershop and hand write it (of course if you live in the same town)

-space, some people need it, some don't. and it's hard to gague that, but be patient.

-know that they will be changed forever. I'm a different person, my life went in a very different direction. I did lose friends around this time, not necessarily because of my loss, but because of the person I became after my loss.

- what to say is hard, I'm not sure what i'd say... i do know what NOT to say: you'll move on, when you get passed this..., he's in a better place, God had other plans for him...... a grieving parent knows all this, but is in shock and too angry to have it sink in the beginning.

***most importantly... REMEMBER... mark the day on your calendar for next year, send a card/email/phone/text. at christmas time, give them an ornament of a little boy, an angel with the birthstone in his hands, a little train w/ his name on it. those people in the last 7 years are the ones who now mean to me the most. my sister and I dont' see eye to eye on a lot of stuff. but she never forgets, for christmas I get something from my "angel baby"... usualy some silly little dollar store ornament, purple something (february was her birth month, violet is the flower, amethyst is the stone). it really means a lot.

Just be their friend. Bring over their favorite something... ice cream, take out dinner, magazines... even if they don't invite you to stay.

About a week after the funeral, one friend of mine brought over my favorite brand of chocolate milk from a local dairy/ice cream store, a few magazines, and a card - she stepped in the doorway, gave me the bag - told me she loved me and to call her at anytime if I wanted to talk - said she was praying for us all, hugged me and left.

Answer 2

Wow! This is a tough situation. There are no words or actions that can make them feel any better. They have already heard "I'm sorry" a million times. No words can mend the hurt they feel. A simple "Don't hesitate to call if you need anything" is all you can do. Especially if they live far away.
Personally I think flowers are a waste. It's just a lingering reminder of the tragedy. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice gesture but useless. I would suggest to check on them once a week for the next 3 months with a simple " I was thinking of you " Call.

Answer 3

This is a really hard situation. Good friends of our recently lost a baby just a few days before his due date. My friend had to give birth to her dead son. It was tragic.

There really isnt much you can do. Just be there if they want to talk, and leave them alone if they need that. Try to take your cues from them. Over time, our friends have opened up about the whole thing, and have been really grateful that we were simply there for them and didnt run away because we were afraid and didnt know what to say. I'm very sorry for your friends, and I know its hard when someone you care about experiences a tragedy. Its difficult to feel so helpless, and not be able to do anything. Just hang in there, and just make sure they know you care and are willing to do what you can.

I would personally avoid bible verses and similar things. They may be angry at God right now, and they are probably sick of hearing the same old cliches like "he's in a better place"

We just did things for our friends like buy them dinner, help with the house stuff, etc. When they moved, it was especially difficult when she had to pack up the baby's room, so I helped her with that so she didnt have to do it alone. I quietly told her she had bought beautiful things for the baby, and after that she opened up a bit more about it.

Answer 4

This Site Might Help You.

RE:
How do you comfort a friend when their newborn baby dies?
I have a close friend from highschool and his wife was recently pregnant. (I have never met his wife, but have added her as a friend on myspace.) At any rate, I text messaged my friend about two weeks ago and asked him if they had the baby. He told his wife was scheduled to have a c-section the...

Answer 5

Just give them your condolences. Just like that.

You can write,

I was so sorry to hear of the passing of your sweet angel. My sincerest condolences to you and your family. I will keep your family in my prayers.

Many times, a simple, heartfelt expression of condolence is better than any quote or scripture.

My friend who lost her baby at birth said that the best she received were the simple, heartfelt ones. She didn't want any quotes or scriptures. She had heard them all and didn't want to hear them again.

Edit: yes, send flowers to the funeral if you can't make it. Go if you can. And do make a standing offer to do anything. They may not take you up on it right away, but don't go away.

And - most important - don't go away after the funeral is over and the family and mourners are gone. Offer to take home the flowers - offer to clean their house after the guests leave. Many times, after the mourners leave, the bereaved are left in an empty house with no one around any more to help. In a few weeks, drop by again with dinner or something - just to let them know you're thinking of them. Think of small things that need to get done that may be overlooked. Think of what you would like from a friend.

Answer 6

You can't. Nobody can. Only they can come to terms with what has happened.

Just send a note expressing your sorrow at their loss, and tell them that if there is anything you can do, they only have to say. Then give them some space, you can send the odd message of support, but don't be pushy - particularly as you've never even met his wife (you can't be *that* close friends, can you?)

Answer 7

You could attend the funeral/viewing and you could also send flowers if you are unavailable... Try helping with anything you can around their home during their troubled time... I'm sorry for them. The only verse I know isn't that great but it is almost always used for funerals in the south and I also don't know where it came from in the Bible.... It goes something like there is a time to mourn.... (etc.) It just says how there is a season to everything and once that season comes God will bless them.... Once again, sorry for the loss... Hope this helps..

Answer 8

In addition to attending the funeral or memorial service for the baby, there are several other things you can do. You can contact the Labor and Delivery department of their local hospital and inquire about whether they have a SHARE bereavement group at that location. If so, get meeting information (dates, times) and pass this info on to your friend and his wife. SHARE is a support group for parents who have lost children through infancy loss, miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. They have a wealth of literature in their lending libraries. They also offer annual holiday memorial services for all the babies who have been lost within that chapter. My SHARE chapter also has a memorial quilt, and a friend of mine made a quilt square in memory of my twins. The quilt sqare says: "Angel of God, watch over ___________" and shows their date of birth and death. I know that I can go see this quilt at any time, touch my babies' quilt square, and say a prayer. If the couple's SHARE chapter has a quilt, perhaps you could offer to make a square in memory of their baby.

Offer to listen if they want to talk. This never goes away. It will always be there for them. Every birthday, every anniversary of the death, every holiday, etc. If they want to show you photos of the baby, sit there and look at them respectfully. Recommend that they get couple's bereavement counselling it they are struggling with grieving. Counselling is a very important step in the bereavement process. You could offer to help identify a counsellor with expertise in bereavement.

When the birth date or death date comes up on the calendar, don't ignore it. Call and say you're thinking of them, thinking of the baby, and saying a prayer for the baby.

It goes without saying that you should NOT try to provide moral support to the man alone. Your concern should be offered to the couple as a group, not just to the man. This is critical. The last thing that the woman needs is to perceive, even incorrectly, that you are building some sort of emotional bond with her husband over the loss of this baby. Even if that isn't your intent, her thinking might be clouded, and she might think that your support of him is a form of emotional infidelity. You don't want to go there.

Good luck in supporting your old friend, and your new friend (his wife). This couple needs some understanding.

Answer 9

I agree with the first poster, as well as the second. Tell them how extremely sorry that you are and that you cannot imagine what they're going through (unless you've lost a child, then you can't imagine it.) bring them some food. Ask them if there are any chores that they would like some help with and such. Let them know that you're there for them in any way that they need.

Answer 10

Ok, that made me cry.

They can use food right now. Make something for them in a tupperwear and freeze it so they don't have to worry about cooking a meal for the next few days. Bring it in person along with some flowers, maybe.

As far as what to say, I have no idea. "I'm sorry to hear of your loss".