these lyrics...?

Question

Why pretend to know what you don't understand?
Can you see the pleasant day changing to black skies?
Do you realize what you do to me?
You always deceive me, pulling me deeper into your lies
I want to open your eyes so you can see
I can't stand you anymore
So many lies, taking over your mind
You used to love me, we kept an equal score
Our hearts used to be aligned
If I had a problem, I turned to you
But I soon discovered that you don't understand
You say you do, a lie through and through
When you reach out, I pull away my hand
You have lost my trust
The lies are too hard for me to take
Our once shining relationship has lost its lust
Your lies, dark and evil, as poisonous as a snake

continued into another post....

PLEASE DO NOT STEAL

Here's the link to the next part of the lyrics...
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Apf0Uv0lRQvpeq6JBGDdCe7sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071228133930AAUXLCR

*Skye*

Sorry I didn't make the question clear...can I have some feedback please?...honest feedback too...thanks
*Skye*

thanks so much. I DID have everything divided and then somehow Yahoo Answers messed it up...I'll try to see if I can fix that for you...
*Skye*

Answer 1

Because the lines have to be taken into a second question, and you've probably never seen that done before, my answer would be

"Don't you think that's a little wordy?"

The emotions come pouring out, but they have to have more direction or it becomes more like spilling ink on a page. I do see your rhyming scheme is good.

Songs normally need a formatted set of lyrics called a stanza, and a hook called a chorus to draw people in with emotions like sympathy, anger or celebration. I like to write a bridge when a formatted lyric is unable to fully describe my feelings, or if I can spring a surprise on an audience.

Finally, I get frustrated with people thinking poetry is meant to be stolen. If you have it in a computer describing when and how you wrote it, and somebody uses it as their own for money later, sue their butt away. If you are really worried about it, license your work with ASCAP or BMI. You are not ready for that yet. Could you write a song about how lonely you were when nobody came to your birthday party....and it didn't really happen in your life? That's the kind of stuff the licensed writers do.

Keep working on how you get your ideas. Write them in a journal and maybe two unrelated ideas will get you going.

Answer 2

..."Doesn't have "ANY" rhyme....musicality....