What's your take on polyamorous relationships?

Question

I have some friends, a married couple, that are polyamorous. When they first explained it to me I thought it was very odd and that I could never take part in something like that. Now that I have gotten to know them better, and have seen that their marriage is good and there is no deceit involved, I am a bit more approving. I just wanted to get other opinions on polyamory. Do you practice it? If so, what problems have you encountered if any? Thanks for your response!

Answer 1

My wife and I have been poly for 11 years (married for four and a half of those). It's been a happy and wonderful relationship with most of the problems that do arise being very similar to that of many couples.

As for the safety side, being poly is as safe and probably safer than most lifestyle choices other than abstinance. For many married poly couples, secondary relationships develop on a sexual level slower than that of most single people. Sex is not the focus of being polyamorous and in my own personal experience my wife and I have known most our secondary partners for well over year on average before sexual touching and beyond occurs. For us many outside relationships that eventually do become sexual never lead to sexual intercourse. The culture that has developed in the poly community also stresses responsible safer sex and communication and honesty between all involved. I know the sexual history of anyone my wife is going to be sexually involved with (usually before or just after the first kiss and well before there is sexual touching). Since the 30-60% of "monogamous" people who will "cheat" are significantly less likely to take precautions about STIs and significantly more likely to have sex with a high risk partner, statistically, I'm probably at a far lower risk than almost anyone I know.

As for the jealousy factor, of course it rears its ugly head from time to time within both of us. I think a lot of jealousy comes out of fear of loss and since I know that my wife doesn't have to leave me to enjoy being in love with another person, on a rational level I have a lot less to fear than if she an I believed in rules that stated she must leave me if she loves someone else. Virtually everyone I've talked to that says "I couldn't be poly because I'd get too jealous", has also felt jealousy and mistrust in "monogamous" relationships. Being poly has also meant my wife and I have openly worked on developing the tools to overcome jealousy and be more secure in knowing that we will love each other throughout life's journey even if there are others who join us on the way.

Falling in love with someone is amazing. I can't imagine forbidding my wife from enjoying that experience and worse yet trying to justify forbidding it because I love her. Loving her means when she experiences joy, so do I. Not all secondary relationships she and/or I lasted, but all have been experiences that were made more wonderful by being able to share them with the woman I love.

I know that just as a parent does not love their first child any less when a second child is born, my wife's love for me is not lessened when she loves another. While time, and resources may have scarcity (and disagreements come up when we negotiate these like any married couple), love does not.

Answer 2

I don't shun what you think about polyamorous relationships, and I really do not mind if other people choose to be in polyamorous relationships, but personally it's just not for me. I feel like the person that I choose to spend the rest of my life with should have my full attention and every part of me. And honestly I think I'd be jealous if I had two wives ... when they got together I'd be on my own lol. So yeah, I'm not against polyamorous relationships for others, but for me, I'm perfectly happy with my fiance :-)

Answer 3

I began considering this lifestyle seventeen years ago. I did not begin to live it until fourteen years ago. I have lived in group marriage of up to five adults. I lived in a triad for six years. I had four children with women other than my legal wife. The mother of my two youngest is now my legal wife. It is just the two of us for now, but we're open to a third and also having lovers outside the core.

The biggest problem that I have encountered is compatibility of vision. I stress security and stability, i.e., no cheating, territorial or monogamous behavior, no cycles of displacement and replacement akin to serial monogamy. Others stressed personal liberty to the exclusion of anyone else's needs. I found this immature, hurtful, and ultimately destructive to the core relationship.

Poly cheating is very real and just as destructive as its monogamous counterpart. Poly cheating involves breaking basic agreements. In most cases, it boils down to getting involved with someone without your partners' knowledge and approval. It's not at all cool when you find out by accident that someone is having an affair or string of affairs. It is even less cool when you're the last to know that someone is leaving. It is least cool of all when your itch or rash turns out to be a sexually contracted disease. Fortunately, not all diseases are fatal. Some can even be cured.

The whole jealousy argument is pretty ridiculous. There are endless dronings and groanings about jealousy management as if a person with a cheating partner has the problem. We speak in terms of legitimate issues of security and stability with strict requirements about openness, honesty, and personal integrity.

We know good poly is possible. We just haven't found the right partner(s) yet. We'll get there. We're eternally optimistic.

One thing that poly isn't. It isn't a panacea. There are plenty of things right with poly, but also plenty of things wrong. Go in with your mind AND eyes wide open.

Best of luck to all considering it.

Answer 4

In my experience as long as everyone involved is honest first and foremost, then it can be a beautiful experience. It takes alot of work, like all relationships, but if it works then it can be wonderful. Who says love has to be finite right? What makes it hard is close minded judgemental people, just because you don't understand something does not give you the right to pass judgement on others. Either learn about it and then form your opinion, or better yet keep it to yourself.

Answer 5

To me, it has been proven in many civilizations that it can exist without problems. But, I think it takes a special group of people for it to work successfully.

For a man, I think all of us would be able to love and provide for more than one woman. It is hard for me to answer for a womans point of view.

Answer 6

Occasionally yes, by setting the ground rules ahead of time there haven't been any real issues and our relationship is wonderful. It is important to remember though that it is like getting your toy out to play with them; when you are done you put them away. It really spices things up though and keeps the fun in our relationship. Another thing that is important to remember is who you are going to be with when it is over and you "put your toys away".

Answer 7

If it works for the people involved, then they should go for it. I personally couldn't do it--to me, it would undermine the emotional intimacy I have with my husband--but if all parties are informed and consenting, I see no problem with it.

I knew one couple that it caused problems for, but that was because the wife was crazy. She thought it was fine for her to sleep around, but if her husband even kissed another woman, she'd threaten to kill herself.

Answer 8

My ex-boyfriend mentioned wanting to be involved with this, and I was understanding of it, but I think I would be jealous. I just want one man to love and want to be loved by one man. I think when you involve too many people, things become clouded. But, to each his own, and if it works for them, GREAT!!

Answer 9

I don't see a problem with it, but it's a loaded gun. STD's are a very real danger, and the more partners you have, the worse your odds get.

Answer 10

Seriously, people, this is disgusting behavior and it is not okay. If you want to f**k around don't get married. It makes a mockery of marriage.