Can a man love two women at the same time?

Question

I split up with my husband of 17 years at the beginning of October and at first because of the hurt he'd been causing me it felt like a relief and I didn't want him back. But then I found out he'd been seeing another woman since August. The same woman he had an affair with 2 and a half years ago.

I confronted him about this and he explained that he'd just been talking to her about the issues in our marriage back in August but hadn't started seeing her until after we split. He also said that it was me he loved (as he'd been telling me since shortly after we split) and wanted to try to work things out with me. He sounded so sincere and I do love him (although I felt happier without him) so I decided to commit to working things out. That was last Friday.

Yesterday he told me he wasn't sure anymore, that he still had feelings for the other woman and missed her. I've told him that he needs to sort out what he wants, but I feel so hurt. How can he love me and her at the same time?

Music is the world - weak???? Is it weak to give your marriage one last attempt? When you have kids? When YOU know how you feel? Knowing full well you could get hurt again, but having the strength of your convictions, and also knowing that whatever happens you'll come through it and be OK? Is that weakness?

Answer 1

Can I suggest that, at the moment, you keep your single life with the children but date your husband? Ask him to take you out to dinner or the theatre etc. Let him rediscover you and why he fell in love. Try and keep the conversation away from the past hurts and treat it like a 'proper date' e.g. getting dressed up and going out to decent places. If things go well, then you can start to talk again about where you are both going with your lives. I think that this 'other woman' is merely symbolic of what he could have if he didn't have you. One the one hand is his marriage and on the other hand is life and the unknown. He had an affair within his marriage which suggests that things were not all they could be. If you seriously want him back, then you have to re-order the lives you have together so things don't go back to what you had before i.e. the circumstances which made him want to wander in the first place. My guess is thats what he is most afraid of. The other person represents his life without you in it and he is scared to leave that as an option because he can't be sure he wants his marriage. If yo do want him, then you will have to convince him that things will change for the better!

Answer 2

I know exactly what you're going through. I guess every situation is a little bit different, but I also think they are more alike than not. It's tough when there are kids involved but as hard as it sounds, at some point it can't be about them. Your situation, like mine, I think anyways, goes beyond the point where it should be about anything but you and your husband and how you not only feel NOW but the resentment you'll carry forward with you. Believe me, there will be some major resentment whether you think you're a forgiving person or not. I think it all boils down to you are happier without him, in your own words. That isn't going to change. The reason he sounded sincere is because he was, he sincerely doesn't want you out dating or sleeping with other people while he figures out if this other woman is REALLY going to be there with him when he leaves you. From experience, at least my own.

Answer 3

No he can't love two women, at least not honestly. He's hurt you again but only through his honestly and not through lies and deception. So can he be trusted, yes, because if he couldn't he would have deceived you rather than trying to share his feelings. This has been such an emotional rollercoaster that at times you will feel unsure of your own feelings at times especially at Christmas. What you can be sure of is his love to try again even though he had feelings for someone else. Maybe he needs help through this crisis to try and understand why he feels this and what exactly he does feel.
Given a little time he can show you how much he really loves you, how many guys would of opened up like this if they didnt want to be with you. Would not the easier course of been to hide these feelings and cheat.

Answer 4

Hi Louise H iam sure you asked this question sort of a month or so back...
tell you the same now as then he cheats once he`ll cheat twice and so on, take some advice from a serial cheat dumb this guy your children are old enough the youngest is 13 or 14 if i remember rightly, walk away before he hurts you again love, no man is worth that much pain and suffering....
we can all give or tuppence worth but at the end of the day its you and only you that can make the decision, lets face it every time he comes home late your going to ask yourself is he doing it again. then were you at SQUARE ONE THAT'S WERE !!!!!!!
said it last time if that's your picture then you will have no trouble picking and chosen who you want to go out with live a little before you commit again....x x x

Answer 5

This ghastly merry-go-round needs to cease.
This heartbrokeness is stifling your growth.
You deserve better. He deserves better.
Too much energy being expended on this end finale.
You need a break. Untie yourself emotionally.
Unwind. 17 is just number in your lives together.
Take the good years and split. Reset the reset.
Strap on that libido and GO GET SOME FUN.
I stumbled into two different somethings
and taking a step back
helped me a great deal to move forward.
I got hit by one ol school girl that knocked me senseless
and fell face first into a Lady Manchester
who was checking to see if I was alright.
Warm stethoscope. Great typist.
Builds bodies or something practical like that.
She said she wasn't a doctor but she cured me anyway.
Now I have a pulse and have discussed a separation.
I am going after my own selfish dreams.
My own Big Red.
I don't know who that masked redhead was
but she rescued me just by saying hello
and nursed me back to health.
My libido is ready to go.
Re-found. Adjusted and angling.
Luckily she is far away then I'd really be in love with two.

In love with two women online and off?
Um..yeah...It could happen.
Rider

Answer 6

As a man who has been polyamorous for some 26 years, I'd have to say that yes, it is possible for a man to love two women at the same time. However, that is just the initial condition. how a person acts on those feelings makes all the difference in the world.

Polyamory is considered a form of responsible non-monogamy. The emphasis is on RESPONSIBLE just as much as non-monogamy. Part of loving two women is respecting and honoring them. That means being truthful to them as well. The actions of your husband that you relate above do not qualify as loving, respectful, or responsible in my mind.

I am currently developing a loving relationship with a new woman while maintaining a strong relationship with my partner. To do this resonsibly requires high levels of honesty--with oneself as well as with ones partners. It sounds like your man is not being responsible.

If you think he's capable of doing this responsibly, look into the links below and decide what kind of relationship you are silling to have with him. If he wants to be non-monogamous in a serious relationship, he needs to be serious about it.

Good luck!

Answer 7

I think it is possible for a man to love more than one woman at a time, but the love will generally be on different levels of intensity and desire. Obviously this is not socially the way our society is supposed to be running.

27 years ago I divorced my first wife because she was unfaithful. I loved her and was married to her for 15 years, but I felt there was no possibility for our marriage to continue without some basis for trust. And there was none.

I re-married after two years. I do love my second and current wife, but in different ways from the love I felt for my first wife. I have been faithful in both marriages, but will admit to occasionally being attracted to other women. I am intelligent enough to know the difference between being attracted and loving a person, however.

Since our culture seems to define fidelity as part of marriage I think you are correct in expecting and wanting that from your husband. He may feel it is reasonable to allow him to love more than one person. Whether you can accept this or not is up to you. You don't have to, and I don't think you should, but some women (and men) do and keep their marriages and families together under what I would have to consider the most difficult and unfair of circumstances.

My advice would be to seek some guidance from a minister or a family counselor. You have to decide what you want and what you can live with. Divorce is very difficult, and I would counsel reconciliation whenever it is possible--but that should be under circumstances that are fair to both parties.

Your husband wanted and loved you enough to marry you and perhaps to have children with you. Now he has to decide whether he loves you enough to commit his life to you. You have the right to demand that.

It is not an easy situation, but be strong and know that at least one person out there appreciates what you are going through and what you are trying to do. Good luck and God bless you.

Answer 8

LOVE is an over used word a man can be in 1000's of sexual relationships and they mean nothing.Man is meant to spread his seed to keep humans in existance and can put all this in boxes emotionless apart from lust.Women are on a different emotional level. If you read that book men are from mars it may help but society has conditioned man to be less a man and womens expectations of man has also changed.I would suggest that you tell him to f*ck off make yourself less available to him and that break will give you the time to figure out if you need that life and i am sure he will realise what a mistake he is making.I have looked at your 360 and you appear to be focussed and quite successful and from what i have seen i shouldn't think you will be short of offers.I wish you the best for the new year.

Answer 9

Absolutely not. A man can only be in love with one woman and lust after every other woman out there. I think for you it's a case of 'if he can't have you then no-one can'. you say hes caused you hurt in the past and that you felt relieved and happier without him, i think you can probably see where i am going with this. Just be strong and good luck for the future.

Answer 10

I hear that you are really wrestling with this. I applaud your courage and willingness!

Human beings have an amazing capacity to open our hearts to many people. Infatuation tends to make for tunnel vision, so "in love" is generally one-at-a-time. But "Love" (capital L) covers a lot of territory. It's possible, even desireable, to earnestly want the best for many more than one person.

The real growing in realtionship, however, comes from focusing our most intimate affections 100% on one partner.

If your husband has been emotionally involved with someone, he will carry that with him. However, pining for her will just complicate his life. The only thing that worked for me was to end all contact with 'other' and that's what it will likely take for him.

If you are willing to go to the effort of creating a new relationship with him, it's perfectly reasonable to tell him that you require his full and undivided attention. That means he cuts off his connection with 'other' completely and forever. Give him space to grieve that (challenge him to get on with it, in fact), and then move on.

Good luck!