My spouse is grouchy, and my feelings are hurt. Why the sharp tongue, how do I stop this?

Question

I am tired of the grouchiness...it hurts. It gets better for one week....then starts all over again. I don't want a divorce,but I fantasize about it getting my own place all the time.
How to I stop the grouchiness. How do I stop the hurt?

I did leave the weekend before Christmas. I said I didn't want to live like that. We had a great Christmas...and now it is back to the same grouchiness.

I have tried to ignore it and not let it hurt...but that just doesn't work...the hurt just pops out. I did ignore the hurt...but it is worse now than ever.

Answer 1

a man a woman? you need to sit and talk about what's going on and how you are feeling.

Answer 2

I have been there. Unfortunately It was me who was grouchy and it was because I was unhappy, very unhappy. We have 2 kids together. I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't be happy with him. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I only saw my dad 8 weeks a year in the summer. I hated it and hated my mom for a long time because of it. But being in that situation, I am a lot happier now that I have left and my living situation is a lot better for our kids. I would rather have them happy in a happy home without all the grouchiness and fighting.

Talk to your spouse and really really talk. Tell your spouse EXACTLY how you feel and EXACTLY how much you're hurting. Sit down without any distractions and just spill it all out. Unfortunately for me when I finally did it we were up until 4am but it was already too late.

But for yourself, do some real soul searching. If you've thought about getting a place of your own and actually fantasize about it, you may be ready. My advice is talk to your spouse and do some MAJOR soul searching yourself. Hope this helps and good luck with whatever you decide!

**Just read your updates...my ex also left before Christmas, I was more mad at him than ever, but we also had a 4 month old and it was his first Christmas. I was happy to not be with him but pissed because he walked out on his son. I think you guys need counselling, or you need to leave. If its hurting that much, seriously think if its worth it. Maybe both or one of you is depressed? Anyway, good luck!

Answer 3

Was your spouse grouchy before you were married, or did some event start this grouchiness? If it is linked to something that happened in the past - counselling is in order.

Also it could be that your spouse is under a lot of stress - from the job, from harassment by someone else, from health problems - check out these possibilities.

This can also be the result of an allergic reaction to something in the home or work environment. Chemicals in foods, medicines, cleaners, perfumes, soaps, deodorants, air fresheners, fabric softeners, new rugs or furniture, new vehicle etc. can react with some people's brain chemistry and effectively change their personality.

Has anything new in any of those areas been introduced to the home or workplace just prior to the first onset of this grouchiness? If so, get rid of it.

Answer 4

You are going to have to talk with your spouse.

Maybe the next time he/she snaps at you, you could start the discussion with something like "it hurts me when you say things like that" or "it hurts me when you use that tone with me." If the response is something in the vein of "that's your problem," you need a counselor.

The trouble with living with a grouchy (meaning unhappy) person is that it can't help but rub off on you no matter how hard you might try to ignore it.

Good luck!

And another thing...if he/she won't go to counseling and you don't have children, leave before you do have any. And take the dog--he doesn't need all that negativity either.

Answer 5

I think I agree with you..to nag and be cranky at the same time is tiring and annoying life..that may drive you crazy and drive you to the wall, and finally drive you out of the house..Have you tried talking to her about this, like when she is in a good mood? Have you detected the reason for her grouchiness? Have you considered of going to a Marriage counselling? what do you think? will she vie for that? And if it reached to the brim, I guess, the only way is to communicate, you cant ignore and excuse her either, for it aggravates and maybe become worst.........before you can go to the last resort....why not sit down and talk first ok? Good luck and cheer up man!

Answer 6

I really empathize - - I've been exactly where you are. And it's a kind of up and down problem isn't it? I finally got tired of yelling at him, explaining how hurtful it was to him, giving him the silent treatment, and making excuses for him. Nothing worked long term. I finally realized the he was having a miserable time, he was very depressed and the depression came out as crankiness. I asked him about it - asked him if he felt depressed or blue. When he didn't answer, I told him the he didn't deserve to feel bad all the time, and asked him to see his doctor. Because I placed myself on his side, gave him understanding, he actually did go to the doctor who started treating him immediately. His attitude is so much easier to live with now. I still want to bop him sometimes, but I'm not apartment hunting anymore.

Answer 7

Seriously, return the "favor" Anytime you encounter your spouse behaving this way, respond in kind. If they do not at least recognize that they are behaving unnecessarily grouchy, you definitely want to try counseling (neutral third parties sometimes have better success at getting the point across.) If all else fails, how willing are you to live like this? Leaving has the be an option....

I just saw your last comment. It sounds like your spouse has at least tried to correct it. Might be open to counseling. Sometimes chemical imbalances can prevent someone who wants to change from doing so.

Answer 8

When the spouse says something grouchy let them know, right then, "that hurts my feelings, was that your intention?" or "are you mad at me? then don't talk to me that way" or "Are you aware how you sound". Pointing it out may help raise their awareness. Talking about it may help resolve the problem. Sometimes you have to point out to people when they are coming across as cranky, they might be so cranky they don't recognize how they are acting. Or, when your spouse is that way, say "I am going shopping. I hope when I get back you are in a better mood." then go do something you enjoy to get your mind off their bad mood. Sometimes leaving them to pout and think about their behavior can be helpful. Good luck.

Answer 9

Wait until your husband is in a better mood. Make sure he hasn't just walked in the door from work, or about to leave for work...you want him well rested and to have the time to listen and talk to you. (on his day off..maybe over morning coffee or breakfast). Then tell him in a very soft, non-critical, non-judgemental voice, that you have noticed that he seems to be short tempered and irratable with you lately. Tell him you are concerned about him. Ask him if something is bothering him that he hasn't told you about. If he gets agitated and annoyed with you, try hard not to let it anger you..keep your tone soft. Tell him that you love him and that when he is in a bad mood you are hurt by his anger and irratibility and want things to be good between you. Tell him that you want to be able to work this out. You can suggest marriage counseling. If he is not willing to go, then tell him you feel a separation is in order. Then follow through on it. Find someone you can stay with. To make him understand that you are serious about this, tell him you won't come back home until he has taken some action to make things better. If he refuses counseling suggest he see a doctor to be put on anti-anxiety meds (he may just have a form of male menopause) and meds may help his moods to level out and calm him down. Just don't let him get away with this behavior without getting the help he needs. Infact, I would start with seeing his doctor first...and if the meds don't help then seek counseling...but don't return home until he takes action and takes your concerns seriously. Best wishes to you both.

Answer 10

Have you two had a sincere conversation in order to get these feelings out? You guys need to talk about it and if your spouse starts getting grouchy because you asked then wait until things calm down and try to have a conversation with him/her.

Answer 11

Smother her while she sleeps...

... and then lighten up. She's grouchy because she's unhappy. Have her read some anger or relationship books or go to therapy. I assure you your marriage won't last if you're not 100% committed. Really. 100%!
Commit yourself, be a descent mate for crying out loud, and help your wife get over this rough patch. Geeze man. Don't jump ship because things are tough. You should be in it together.