Please Help, I love him but the situation is hard to accept?

Question

I have met the love of my life. He is such a great man and I love every moment with him as he does with me. I am 24 and he is 29.

The problem is, he is having a rough time financially for the first time in his life.
-He had a house and now he rents
-He had a great car and now he sold it for a cheaper one to pay of his credit.
-He has a 7 year old daughter that is so sweet and I accept.
-But a 'friend' of his called 6 months ago and said she has had his baby. (This happened before I met him) He is going to go to go take a DNA test soon.
-My parents are not happy about him because he doesn't own a house to offer me. They don't even know about the daughter yet!

I have been his support throughout all this because I know things will get better financially but the thought of the little girl being his kills me. I LOVE HIM, but this situation is harder than I was wanting.

I know my parents will be horrified if they found out about the girl(s).

Advice please?

Answer 1

Only you know how deeply you feel for this man. Your parents will only come to understand this after years of you being successful with him, so stop looking for their approval, you will not get it right now. Having a house is great for many people, but I have to say that I have started over in life four times. I have been completely destitute and fought my way back up, so it can be done.
I would tell your parents that while you love and admire them this is your life. They have to trust in the knowledge they have imparted upon you and let you be a grown up, after all, did they raise an adult or a child?
Tell them you know that you are going to make mistakes, but that making mistakes is a part of growing and learning about life. Tell them that they have raised you to be strong and be a survivor, thank them for that. But now you have to take lifes next steps for yourself, they need to let go and trust you.

Now, you have a lot on your plate with this guy. I first wish to say that I wholeheartedly believe in true love. If that is what you have then all of the probelms will eventually go away. That being said I am concerned only by one thing you said, "The thought of the little girl being his kills me." You cannot nor should you ignore this feeling you have. If you are not 100% behind him and willing to forget about his past indescretions, then perhaps you should take a wait and see attitude. Give it time before jumping in. If you harbor any ill feelings about her trust me it will cause problems for you later. I would reccomend that you wait until the DNA tests are back. If he is the father then re-examine your true feelings for him and the girl, then make a decision.

One last thought, I try to be a very optimistic person so I don't see problems I see opportunities. You could have a rough rode to haul but with the right attitude and a clear understanding of your feelings and what needs to be done it can turn out to be a wonderful life for you. You just must truly be honest about you and what you can and cannot accept in your life.

Good luck

Yoda out

Answer 2

Wake up and smell the coffee. You may want people to sugar coat it, but you need to face reality.

The man is not going to suddenly have money. He has one child that requires child support, medical and dental care, and college, not to mention all the other expenses that come throughout childhood.

Then he has another potential child waiting in the wings, which means he will pay out more money.

It also means he will be dividing his time between you and the child(ren) because there will be times when his presence is necessary and yours is unwelcome.

And the fact that he had unprotected sex with someone who is uncertain of paternity, shows his lack of character. And it shows he is at risk for STDS.

So when is this situation going to get better? When you two marry? Yes, maybe if you pay his bills and add to the kitty, otherwise it won't.

But wait, then you get pregnant and can't work and he is paying for 2 or 3 kids and dividing his time between them as his kid doesn't want to be around you and your kid all of the sudden because they are now jealous (it happens more than you want to admit).

Oh and by the way all kids are sweet when you are only around them bits at a time. But when you become his wife and have kids of your own and she is now a teenager and causing strife in your home and taking out her anger at you because your kid has mommy and daddy full-time and she gets mommy sometimes and daddy sometimes but not together, what are you going to say? ANd daddy will feel guilty and let her slide on things while acting differently toward your kid, then you will be angry anf resentful.

You are fantasizing about a perfect outcome. That things ARE going to get better financially. And they won't. NOt unless he wins the lotto or his kid dies. And then there is the possibility their are more kids that will come up.


ANd you say your parents will be horrified if they find out, that's a big 'you are doing the wrong thing' sign. If you have to hide it, it's wrong.

And so you get to be baby momma three. That is what your parents always dreamed you would be. They will be so proud.

Answer 3

Love is blind, so stand back a bit and think about the situation and ask yourself this- Will I be willing to accept this man, as he is, with a child and perhaps one on the way? Does he have the qualities I am really looking for in a long-term relationship? So far, it looks a though he has one failed relationship resulting in a 7 year old daughter. How long have I known this man? Can I accept him just as he is, baggage and all? Has he shown complete truth and loyalty to me?
If you believe you can, then continue with your relationship. I do think it is way too soon to get so take over so much responsibility; seems this is a new relationship between the two of you. Anyone can get into financial difficulty but it is how they handle it that matters. Get to REALLY know him before considering anything for the long-haul.

Answer 4

It's not about your parents I know you love them and everything and I mean no disrespect but you have to follow your heart and do what you want. So what if he rents now who knows what holds the future. At least you have a roof over your head. And about the car you don't have to have a fancy car. Go with whats in your budget And as far as the kids go If you really love this man like it sounds that will all work out for you It might take some time getting used to. But It will work out for you! Just follow your heart! Good Luck!

Answer 5

You have to be realistic. Not everything will be rosy if you married this man. He has a daughter with another woman and possibly another one on the way. That means that there will have to be communication with these other women and child support wich by the way your income will go towards that. You need to consider all the pluses and all the negative and make your decision. You are 24 and yes it does matter what your parents think but you are 24 and you should be able to handle it. Question is -- can you?

Answer 6

If you really, truly love him then you will look past all his troubles and give him that shoulder to lean on. He made a mistake, I'm sure he regrets it, so both of you need to move on and put the past behind you. Start a new life with each other and accept the seven year old if indeed she is his. He is a smart man for having a DNA done because she might not be his after all.

Answer 7

first of all, you said your 24, therefore why should it matter what your parents say. your an adult now honey, you are responsible for making your own decisions, not your parents.
as for this guy and his issues, everyone has problems whether it be financially, alcohol, drugs, porn, whatever. i would rather have someone with financial problems myself. anyways, just be there for him. that's really all you can do. he needs your love and support. help him with his finances if he'll allow you. if that other baby ends up being his, then i would sit down and talk with him about it but that will be completely your decision after you find out whether it is or is not his child, whether you want to stay with him and deal with those problems. no one can make that decision for you, not even your parents. Just remember everyone has problems, therefore you must pick and choose your problems.

Answer 8

1st and foremost, you can't live your life based on what your parents are going to think. If you love him and want to be with him, screw what everyone else thinks. It sounds like he is doing the responsible thing and taking care of his debt. He could just keep running his credit up and getting him self burried, but it seems like he is taking the responsible mesures to get himself back on track. That shows to me anyway, that he has his head on straight.

Somehting you said bothered me, you parents won't accept him because he doesn' have a house to offer you? Are you kidding, your parents are that shallow? What does he have to have a certain kind of car too? And they won't accept him because he has a child? What world are you living in? You must have been brought up in some higher class society, because us regular class-these things mean nothing. Love is what really matters, not materialistic items!!

Answer 9

You accepted the 7 yr old, what the difference with the baby. Everybody goes through ups and downs. I have been with my husband for 8 yrs. and we have went through him having a drug addiction, going out partying, living in government housing, and not having a job. Now he has a great job, we finally live in a real house, he does not go out and party all the time, and has not touched drugs in over a year. You just got to make the decision of going through it all with him.

Answer 10

What you're seeing are warning signs. You may love him, but if you're having difficulty digesting these situations he may not be for you. Maybe you should pull back and observe. He may have just fallen on some hard times (when it rains, it pours). Your family has little, if anything to do with it. To be blunt, it's really none of their business. It's your life, your decision. However, keep in mind that sometimes when GOD whispers in your ear and you don't listen, he will YELL. If this is the whisper, do you want to hear him yell?