Why at 40 do I find myself wanting to just be alone?Is this a mid life crisis?

Question

All my friends tell me I used to be so much fun and how I have changed. My whole persona has changed. I have been married for 12 years and I could walk away today and not miss him. I do love him though so what is wrong with me.

Answer 1

Nothing at all is wrong with you.
Went through it myself four years ago (I'm 46 now).

Track down some of Gail Sheehy's "Passages" books - they talk about adults and the continuing process of growing up. You are embarking on a new adult life; your second adult life. You're at an age where most adults are seriously re-evaluating what they've done and where they want to go. For most of us, the regrets and "wish I hads" weigh heavy on us. It is a very vulnerable time and one where about half of us (men and women alike) take a lover, at least for a short time. Resist that - it generally ends badly.

Courage, and be of good heart. Be deliberate about creating a new marriage with this man you've been with. Be deliberate about choosing your new life.
You'll be fine. Handle this head on and in five years you'll look back proudly at what you did to start anew.

Good luck.

Answer 2

40 is the "magic age" when things start going crazy. You're bored, you're tired, and you're in a rut. You need something different and fun to put some magic back in your life. Can you and your husband take a long weekend off together and do something totally different? Something that you don't do on a normal basis. Would he be willing? Sometimes it helps just to get away from the mundane and get a change of scenery.

This can be something simple or incredible. A camping trip for the two of you? (If you don't like to camp, then why not try it again. It'd different because you never do it.) A beach weekend if you're close to the beach. A spa weekend. If you're close to a theme park, then go there without any kids. Just the two of you. Just do something out of the ordinary. You'll feel so much better. When you get home, it won't last long. Do it again, and again, and again.

Or if your husband isn't sharing your need for something unique, then do something for yourself. Sign up for a fun class at your local community college. Art, photography, or anything that interests you. You'll find something new to do that you enjoy. You'll be okay. Trust me that you're not the only woman who has ever felt this way. You'll survive this.

Answer 3

Probably not a mid-life crisis--just reality settling in along with depression. Don't have any new advice from what others have suggested, but I'd go through this process. Get a thorough exam to rule out any medical issues. Include a thyroid test. You may need to try some depression meds. Find a counselor/therapist that specializes in marital relationships and be honest with him/her. Take some time for yourself--at least 30 minutes a day to do something YOU want to do--read, listen to music, exercise, go for coffee with a friend. Think about all you are doing in your life and start to focus more on those things that make you feel good, positive and productive. I can relate to your feelings--bet many, many, many 30 and 40-somethings can. You can't predict your future, but you can decide what is the best course to take for your present.

Answer 4

Sure you were fun, you were 28, we were all fun at 28. You got married and grew up, that's what people do, and if your friends haven't then they need to. There is a whole lot of difference between saying you could walk away and not miss him and actually doing it. What's wrong with you is that you are going through what normally happens in your 40's, you suddenly realize that you are freaking in your 40's and life is suddenly passing you by at an alarming rate.

I suggest that you change a few things, new hair do, go to a gym, take a vacation, do some traveling, get into something different sexually(not swinging, but maybe something alittle kinky), and maybe start dating your husband again. People get into ruts, and then they get bored, and there is nothing more boring than someone who is bored. You may love him, but you need to be "in" love with him. You owe it to him and yourself to rekindle the romance, you don't just throw away someone you love.

Answer 5

There could be a lot of things...you could be having a midlife crisis, there could be other things in your life which explain why you are feeling this way, you could be dogged by routine, you could be becoming peri-menopausal (it does happen, it started with a friend of mine when she was 37, and it can go for 7 years and she showed the same symptoms you describe). It might be an idea to go to a doctor and ask for a complete hormonal count, it's a simple blood test, and see if there is a medical reason...otherwise, do you think you could just be settling down into midlife and finding there isn't any thrill in your marriage? you say you could walk away and not miss him...yet you still love him. Are you still 'in love' with him, though? Whatever happens, I hope things work out for you both!

Answer 6

People change. You cannot predict the future, unfortunately. Some people are just better off alone. I prefer sometimes to be left alone. I work in my office all alone, and like it that way. I am happily married, but look forward to my alone time. I was never this way until I hit my 30's, maybe mid 30's. Could be hormonal as well. Hormones reek havoc on a person, especially female. Since you are in your 40's, maybe you should ask the doctor to check for hormone levels, it wouldn't hurt.

Answer 7

I am not 40 yet but it's around the corner. I feel the same as you. I have distanced myself from friends and family. I have a horrible marriage and wish that I could just disappear. I am trying to get myself situated to take a short trip alone to clear my head. Sorry to say funds are low so I have to stick it out a little longer. Life is to short to be miserable. Try and get out more since you have a support system.

Answer 8

I think that you are at the stage in your life where you feel you have been giving your whole life. Now you are at the point where you feel that "life owes you" and "you owe you". My gf is 41 and i am 26 and I think she is going thru the same thing. I know that she loves me but she could walk away and be alone and she would be ok where as I would be devastated. I think you are tired but try and keep in mind that although it would be nice to say it should be all about you...keep in mind that other people's feelings, wants and needs are just as important.

Answer 9

You need to focus on yourself and find those things that at 40 you still want to accomplish. Even if they seem silly or old goals. Do it now. Seek those unfinish dreams and goals. Brake your routine. Change your daily activities. By the way, I'm 39 and sometimes I wish I was alone as well to be able to focus on the things that I still need to work on. So, nothing is wrong with you. Chin up,,enjoy life!

Answer 10

I think we moms in our 40's at some point come to a realization that we have been doing for OTHERS for so long, and not for ourselves...and we don't like that we don;t get the same in return. I think it is the nature of the beast when having a family--it just burns us out. I like the suggestion above about maybe going away alone for a long weekend...like to a spa place maybe--I think you need to be pampered and have time to rest and think. It might just revitalize you. Hope so.