Am I over-reacting about his contact with other girls?

Question

He left his email open at my desk, and when I sat down I see "Hi Honey!" and the email of his high school sweetheart. I investigated. It appears that for July, Aug, and Sept he has been in contact with her. She lives in CA (we're in CT) and they were planning a weekend together, talking intimate, him telling her how miserable I make him. He claims that we were going through a very difficult time. We were. He claims that he knew I was on my way out. I was until he begged me to stay. So he may have considered us seperating, but he never told me that. There were also other girls from dating websites. As far as I know he didn't see any of them, only exchange emails and talk. All this contact with the others stopped end of September, and we've been great since then (until yesterday)But I thought we were great at points in July and Aug to. I can't get the words he wrote out of my head, "when we're in each other's arms" to his ex. I feel so stupid. I feel if I stay I would be condoning it.

I know I shouldn't have looked in his email, but I justify it by telling myself that it was open for a reason. I'm try to think of things I might have done that could be taken out of context too to provide some empathy.

I did talk to him about it. His excuse was that I hurt him by threatening to leave. I would accept that if it weren't for the lies regarding it. He denied so much until I gave him dates and times. If he's capable of doing this to me, he'll always find reasons to justify it.

I thought of demanding passwords to keep an eye on him, but how healthy is that? Babysitting him?

Thank you all for your answers, every one of them.

About prayer and Christian Counseling: I appreciate the advice, but he's a Baptist. It's his get out of jail free card. He can make all the mistakes he wants, and will have the defense of having accepted Jesus into his life.
He's trash. He ruined my confidence and I do just have to work on believing I deserve better. I guess I just needed to hear that others would have a problem with this too. He has a way of making my head spin and blaming myself for everything. Again, so many thanks.

Answer 1

Open and honest communication is the best way to handle it. Do not attack him because when guys are attacked they get defensive and shut down. Just tell him the truth. HE left HIS email on your computer and you happened to see it. Then after seeing the "Hi Honey" email you looked further, just as anyone else would have. Tell him you understand that at the time you were having problems, but it still hurts you. Ask him what his relationships are with these girls and just discuss where the two of you are at. Remind him that he is not trapped with you and if thats what he wants (the ex or the other girls) then show him the door, but if he wants to be with you and work through you "difficult times" he can't be running to the comfort of his ex's arms everytime something happens. Every relationship requires work and communication. Relationships are built on trust and sneaking around behind your partners back and hiding things like this is not health for either of you. Good Luck!

Answer 2

First of all.. He does not respect you in any way shape or form. If he did, he would not be spending his time, telling an ex-girlfriend how "miserable" you make him. My advice, tell him he needs to make a choice.. either leave, or ditch the computer and make a REAL effort to work on your marriage.

Also, in regards to Christian counseling.. I am a Baptist as well. And I can tell you first hand, that just because a person knows the Lord as their Savior, does not give them a "free pass" on their own wrong-doings. Being saved does not mean that we can do what we want, and never have to worry about consequences. I'm not sure of your beliefs, but I can promise you this.. Your husband will not get away with what he has done to you. It may not be now, or even next year.. but he will reap what he has sows.. the good and the bad. So, it's not like he can just pray for forgiveness, and get away with it. That's not how it works.. Yes, the Lord WILL forgive, as He always does, however that does not mean that your husband won't be repremanded in some way.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time with your husband. I know it sounds cliche, but if you love him.. and you really want to make things work, then you two are going to have to put a lot of effort into your marriage, and really make some changes. I think the main thing right now (if you choose to stay), is that the computer needs to go.. at the very least, internet access needs to be shut off.

I'm not one to support divorce.. but given your husband's actions, I wouldn't blame you one bit if you leave him. Especially if he shows no interest in changing and making things work.

Just talk to him, and tell him what you want.. and what you will/will not stand for. Let him know that you are not going to put up with him talking about you that way to anyone. Also, he needs to stop all communications with those women.. since it's pretty obvious what his intentions are with them.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

It's funny that I found this because I went through the same with my husband when we were having problems. Of course, we were already married and had been for years, so it was work it out or get divorced-you have it a little easier here; you can just leave. I don't know how long you've been together, but you obviously feel this is worth saving or you would have just walked out. Are you living together? Anyway, in my opinion, you should do one of two things:

1. If you have access to his email (which some will argue is an invasion of privacy, but he left it open!), then I would keep an eye on it to see if he really isn't talking to anyone anymore. If he isn't, just leave it alone since you were having issues and you were going to leave, but decided to stay.

2. You could confront him about it. He will probably get upset that you read his emails and get defensive, too. He may even throw things in your face. Maybe tell him you didn't mean to invade his privacy, but he left it open and you want to make sure this is not going to continue. If you do this, LET HIM TALK before giving all the info you know...you might just catch him in a lie.

The point is, if you are going to dwell on the past, you mind as well just leave. Saying you'll stay means letting it go and moving on. Now, if it continues, then leave. Also ask yourself, if you were to find out he was still doing this, would you still stay? If so then there's no point in even bringing it up because you're not going to act on it anyway.

Answer 4

You're hurt, I don't think that being hurt by his behavior is an overreaction. You have to let him know that it feels like a betrayal that when you were in fact NOT seperated he felt the need to romantically interact with other women, remind him how he would feel if he read those same things from your ex. Let him know it is never ok to stray when things are bad and that is when he should be putting extra attention to your relationship and if he puts his attention on other women instead, you all are dommed for failure. Make sure this relationship is what he wants and just be honest about your feelings. He will never learn from his mistakes unless he knows how it hurt you. And remember we are all human and make mistakes. So don't leave if you still love him, give him a chance to be sorry and make it up to you. You can forgive, it takes time, but it can happen. I always like to write all my feelings out on paper and then give it to him. This might help you get everything out. Good luck!!

Answer 5

Oh honey, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I would feel absolutely hurt, angry and betrayed. When a couple goes through a "rough patch," it doesn't give each of them permission to immediately go out & try to find other people. To me, that should only happen AFTER the divorce! You can't truly commit yourself to making your marriage better if you're also out on the internet trolling for a piece. I would be very upset. Have you confronted him with any of this? I'm not sure I would. I think I would give him all the rope and he can hang himself....as they say. By that, I mean I would let him tell his lie, go off on his weekend, then see if he has the affair he seems to be planning. If he does, then that shows you his TRUE colors. Because let's face it, if you confront him,he'll just tell you "oh she doesn't mean anything" or "it's just talk, you know I'd never cheat on you." That's bull. I'd wait to see what he does.

Answer 6

No need to babysit!!! If you love him keep forgiving him because the next guy will cheat on you too or worse. What you should do is grow up and deal with reality. You want someone you can trust get a dog. Here I'll help you with the facts of life you obviously haven't learned yet:

1. There is no Santa
2. There might be a Bigfoot
3. All men cheat, almost all women cheat
4. Marriage ruins all relationships (moving in is the same)
5. Everyone lies (you even lie to yourself)
6. Life is not fair

Good luck and Happy Holidays. Email me
if you want to hear the truth. I don't lie.
...k

Answer 7

If I were in your situation, I would be beyond mad right now! This man is supposed to be in a relationship with YOU! When the two of you decided to pursue a relationship with each other that meant his contact with other women in an intimate way was to STOP!
It's one thing for him to be calling someone else "honey." My hubby does that all the time. But under NO circumstances should he be chatting on dating websites or talking to an ex about "when we're in each other's arms."

Don't worry about what others are saying because you read his email. Most of them probably would have done the same and just won't admit it. I know I would have read it. If it was that important, you man wouldn't have checked it on your computer or left it open!

You need to pack your bags and get away from him. Find someone who isn't going to cheat on you and treat you like dirt!

Answer 8

Sounds like he has been planning a get away trip for awhile now. Dating Websites, his Ex? Yeah somethings up with him and you need to be straight forward with him and find out what it is. If he loves you and wants to really make your relationship work, then he should be willing to talk to you and not go off on some Internet and make plans, talk intimately with anyone. You may want to think hard on this one, because the next fight you 2 have, he will be back on the computer telling his ex or whoever that he can't wait to be in their arms.

Answer 9

Are you over-reacting? No. He was having an emotional affair. He was working on hooking up with other women while the two of you were still together. He was telling a woman he was looking to hook up with intimate details of your relationship in an effort to gain her support and understanding. Don't get me wrong, if she was just a friend and nothing more then he'd have every right to talk to her about his life. But that wasn't what she is to him.
So, now you have to ask yourself. Has the past three months been so much better that it is worth staying. He stopped contact with them and isn't trying to hook up. That is something. The biggest problem I see is can you forgive him and move on. If you can't, then end the relationship. The relationship will suck otherwise. Remember, he is who he is. He can't do junk just to earn your trust back. You have to believe you can give him your trust and he won't abuse it again.

Answer 10

you reading his email was a normal reaction. wrong as it may be, you can't beat yourself up over it. perhaps it was meant to be that way. maybe he even intentionally left it open so you could read it. some men will set us women up to be the bad guy to end the relationship, cuz then it gives them a reason to run to another woman, or to blame us for the break up. it's easier for some men to walk away when we're the ones telling them to leave. I know from experience. I say get out while the getting is good. Trust is something every relationship needs....do you want to spend the rest of your life doubting that he is being sincere when you know he's speaking with women on the internet? you deserve better. good luck!