I'm not talking about a couple who is unmarried and is together purely for sex or for pursuing sexual exploits with other couples. I'm talking about a couple that genuinely loves one another or is in a marriage where love at least at one time, was the premise for getting together. Your marriage may have fizzled such that you crave sexual satisfaction via variety with others but you don't want to divorce or give up on your spouse because you do still care about them and value them as a companion in several key ways.
I'm just trying to imagine how I were to feel if I saw or heard another person having sex with the one I loved, and my not feeling tremendously hurt, angry, or betrayed. But apparently, there are lots of swingers in the world and they deal with it all the time. So that's my question -- How do you deal with it and what do you keep telling yourself to keep from going mental over it?
2007-12-26 23:35:21 · 10 answers · asked by John S. 5 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
In response to Grommit80 below: While love and sex can be different and one does not necessarily have to have one to have the other, I do not agree that they are "completely separate". I believe they go together very well and that sex can be the ultimate expression of love and tenderness and caring between two people.
2007-12-29 07:19:59 · update #1
In response to CB Hunter below: You are taking a shot at me, making negative assumptions and reading far too much into any details of my life you may perceive. I don't teach my daughters about sex by encouraging them to watch Nicholodeon. That's ridiculous! They live 1500 miles away with their mother and I don't even know what they watch on TV. And the eldest is not a "young girl". She is 18, Mister. Please take your judgemental attitude and go dump your presumptuous criticisms elsewhere!
2007-12-29 07:31:21 · update #2
The simple answer is, you don't. One way or the other, you don't deal with it.
What I mean is, if the situation is truly as you explained:
"a marriage where love at least at one time, was the premise for getting together. Your marriage may have fizzled such that you crave sexual satisfaction via variety with others but you don't want to divorce or give up on your spouse because you do still care about them and value them as a companion in several key ways"
Then you're going to have a serious problem. Jealousy would be unavoidable, and jealousy isn't something that you just cowboy/girl up and swallow. You do that and you find out it has teeth, and it will eat you from the inside out. There IS no "dealing" with it.
On the other hand, the couples whose relationships are built to withstand the rigours of the lifestyle, and is strong, healthy and highly functional...they don't "deal" with jealousy either. At least not in the conventional sense.
My husband and I do not experience jealousy at all. There is no sense of betrayal, no sadness, no pain, no feelings of abandonment. This is because we truly feel no sense of entitlement or ownership over one another. Others might see this as sad or lacking in the commitment department, but we most emphatically disagree! It's simply the acknowledgment that no one person has a right to own another in any way. Not even one's spouse. Being my husband's wife means - to me - loving and caring for him, and being his constant companion. His life is my hobby, my obsession, by piece of art, my magnum opus. My role in this life is to do everything I can to ensure he lives his life to the utmost, even if he doesn't reciprocate. I want to see him grow as a person, and I want to see him live his life fully and abundantly. This requires a certain amount of humility, because in order to do my job, I really can't place any restrictions on him. The only rule I have is that he respects me for the choice I make. If he cannot respect that, then I must respect myself and move on...still caring about him in whatever capacity I reasonably can. This commitment to him, and his to me, is head and shoulders above the sexual. Sex is not a suitable yardstick by which we measure the health or outcome of our relationship.
On a final note, we do not view jealousy to be a problem, but a symptom to the problem. We do experience twinges of it now and then, and to us, it's just a sign that we need to stop and figure out where these negative feelings are coming from. Negative jealous feelings are not to a problem to be avoided; they are merely alarm sirens that need to be heeded to discover the REAL problem!
2007-12-27 15:10:10 · answer #1 · answered by intuition897 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Jealousy And Swinging
2016-12-11 15:26:15 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I might... I would prefer to swing with a couple I didn't know.. if it didn't work out, I wouldn't have to see them again or change the losing a friendship.
2016-03-16 07:22:38 · answer #3 · answered by Patricia 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Usually couples who are swingers have been married for a long time and the lines of communication are open. Marriages that end up in divorce because of affairs happens because there is no communication. Spouses who love each other will generally want to make each other happy its just that in swinging it has to be something that both spouses want. Most times you don't see your loved one with someone else unless you want to. Things aren't forced. Swingers are happy and have a solid marriages because they talk.
2007-12-26 23:48:09 · answer #4 · answered by rydaldude 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
You havesome misconceptions Swinging couples definately dont have relationships that have fizzled. Just the opposite, you'll find that even after 20 yrs of marriage they cant keep thier hands off each other, that they have a great relationship that consists of being best friends. Swinging absolutely does not work for a couple that are into because their own relationhip has fizzled. Swingers tend to have a very live and vivid sex life with each other. Our sex life has been very revved the whole time we have known each other and swinging was just another thing to experience together.
Jealousy is not a problem at all. How can a person be jealous when the partner they love so much is having a good time.
We have met many, many great friends thru swinging and the thing that attracts us to them is the fantastic relationship they have, if there is a single hint of jealousy between them w have no interest. No one will "play" with a couple that has issues.
The most amazing thing is that thru the years, having befriended many couples....we have only had one divorce. ....thats much better success rate then my own family and my coworkers.
Swinging isnt a situation where two people are out for what they can get...its a very unselfish arrangement where you root for your partner
2007-12-27 05:53:02 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
You're assuming everyone feels jealousy. In a rock solid marriage, there aren't any insecurity issues. In fact, those afflicted with jealousy should never get married. Swingers don't "deal" with jealousy issues, because there aren't any to begin with.
You also assume that people swing because they lacking something, and their marriage gas "fizzled." Tell me this, if you and your spouse go play pairs tennis, or dance with someone else's spouse, does that mean your marriage has "fizzled?" I hope not.
Swingers not only have open communication, but understand that love and sex are two, entirely separate things. It is a physical enjoyment and recreation. Nothing more. It doesn't involve the heart, and those who swing aren't looking for anything better, because there is nothing better then what they already have with the one they love.
As a group, swingers have a far, far lower instance of STD's or unwanted pregnancy. They know how to take care of themselves. Safe sex is the rule.
Swinging cannot hurt a good marriage, only a bad one.
2007-12-27 05:37:47 · answer #6 · answered by gromit801 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
John,
I think that the people you are reading about have communicated the fact they would genuinely enjoy the practice. Different strokes for different folks. If you have these feelings I would not suggest any consideration.
As it relates to my marriage, my husband is extremely turned on by the practice. It makes him happy and it makes me happy. We are very open with each other, and I would never do anything to hurt my husband in any way. We chose this lifestyle, because we both felt and were honest with each other by saying so, that our sexual relationship had become more of a chore instead of something that should be enjoyed.
So that is when we discussed this lifestyle, and we are happier for it!!!
I hope this helps!
Dawn
2007-12-27 05:54:40 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Jealousy is different for everyone Just like night and day what works for you may not work for me .what upset most is the shock of the feeling that they get when it happens there is no one way to stop it there is something that has happens or said that may cause your brain to see something different and painful. It can be harmless to others but to you it is real and only you can feel it . If and when I feel it I remove my self from the room try to think what it was that made me feel that way If I can't stop the feeling then play time over . I do not talk about it for a few days giving my self time to work throe it . Then i will open up to my husband talk it out and see if we can work it out and call the couple and let them now I had bad feelings and why . You may find you were not alone in the feel but the only one that had a plan in place for that feeling me and my husband Made this work for us If one gets up and leaves the room for more then 10 min the other stops and calls play time over .The other will just say no hard feeling but we must stop for tonight and have a time out ..Rest and think about the feeling and why you had it .but most of all be good to your self it is ok to have feelings and to not like something and if you in it with someone then keep them first .This is my way sorry if it dose not help you
2015-01-21 03:52:08 · answer #8 · answered by debby 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is not a question that a parent of 2 young girls should be interested in. I does not surprise me that you want Nickelodeon to teach your 2 daughters about teenage sex. What is this world coming to..
2007-12-28 13:15:56 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
And I would add: protection and fear of STD's!!!! You could multiple your chances of getting them by the number of people you "swing" with, by the number of people that their numerous partners swung with; ending up with an exponential number of chances of having an STD yourself!!! If you have to have that much stimulation, I'd advise Cialis sp?.
2007-12-27 04:39:26 · answer #10 · answered by Martell 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋