Should I tell my son and/or his real father?

Question

I was divorced three years ago after fourteen years of what I thought was a happy marriage. My ex-wife had numerous extramarital affairs that I was not aware of until the very end of the marriage. As a result of the marriage, I have a 13 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. My daughter is my biological daughter, however, I found out at the end of my marriage that my son is not my biological son. I thought he was my biological son for the first 7 years of his life. I love him more than anything in this world. My two kids live with me and their mother lives across the country.

Do I ever tell my son that he is not my biological son? If so, when? What impact will telling him have on my son and daughter?

Do I tell my son's biological dad about my son? I am not sure if the biological father knows or not.

I lose many nights of sleep feeling guilty about this secret. any advice would be much appreciated.

Answer 1

What a wonderful man you are! This is a dilemma in which most would be bitter...I plainly see, you are not. God bless you for wanting to do the right thing for your son.

My first instinct would be to tell the entire truth as we all have the right to know who our parents truly are. However, it is the way in which this should be done, which disturbs me.

Hey, Dad, I hope you do not mind but, I think it best if perhaps, we let God guide us, on this one! Therefore, I am going to be praying that God will guide you. Give you His wisdom so all will work for the good! Please allow me to just place your situation into the very confident hands, of God, through prayer. I will keep praying for all involved as I know God can make this wrong a very beautiful, right!

gail

Answer 2

Oh boy, that is such a difficult decision to make, on one hand your son has a right to know who his biological father is, on the other hand is now a good time to tell him, or wait a couple of years till he's older? If he were to find out from anybody else that could really hurt him and yawls relationship. My 14 yr old son doesn't remember his father, we were married such a short time he was 1 yr old, but I did save pictures of him and did tell him by the time he was about 10 or 11. I'm remarried now so the only father he knows is my husband even though he know he's not his real father. It would probably be a good idea to at least wait a few years if the father doesn't live anywhere close by, by that time your son will be a little older and more mature, and be able to handle it better than he would now, being so young. I really can't tell you what to do, I guess you have to go with your gut instinct, and do as you think is best. I guess as far as telling the bio father goes, can you find out what kind of person he is first? If he's trash, I wouldn't say a word to him. Oh, your in such a hard place, Good luck to you!

Answer 3

Well you sound like a great father, and although I know some people think that this is cruel,but I don't recommend you telling your son that you are not his real father until he is a little older and can understand,and by that time he will have the utmost respect for you,that you raised him on your own and he isn't even your's!!! At this age also he will have no say whether he wants to know his father or not,if he was under age 5 then he wouldn't really know how to react or even fully understand ,but I think this is an unstable enough time in his life when he is probrably starting puberty ,and liking girl's..... I think it would do more damage than good. Hope this help's and keep up the good work!! Dawn

Oh and one other thing ,you have to think about how your son and daughter would feel if the father wanted custody and your son and daughter were split up!!

Answer 4

Boy that is a tough question and I can see why you are losing sleep over it. I think the right answer is probably to get some advise from a child psychologist who has had experience with such matters. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty as you had no knowlege of your wifes infidelity until recently. Your son is only 10. What do you think he will be able to handle if you can't handle it. As you have said here, it doesn't change your feelings of love for him in any way. If you don't think that his mother or another relative who knows will tell him first, I would almost be inclined not to ever say anything to him until he brings it up himself. I would probably write my feelings down on paper now. Say how surprised you were to find this information but also say that heis and always will be your son and that you love him very much. Say in the letter that the knowlege of his biological difference has not and never will alter your love and devotion to him or his sister. If you can put your feelings on paper, it will relieve you of some of this weight, allow you to express some thoughts which may be harder to say as he gets older and will show him one day that the things you discovered never changed your feelings or devotion to him even after you knew.

Answer 5

My heart goes out to you.

On one hand, your son deserves to have you as his own father and to be secure in that.

On the other hand, someday he might find out from his mother that you are not his bio dad, and he'll feel that you have witheld the real truth from him all these years.

Really, really, tough call.

What do you want to do?

Have you been able to talk about this with the mother?

Perhaps she would say, "No, let's agree to never tell him." That would ground you a little more in terms of how you want to approach it.

Should she say "No, I think he deserves to know at some point," then you know that it will come out at some time in the future.

You know your son, and I suspect that you feel that he deserves to know the truth at some point in his life.

But, chances are, he may not even care. You're his dad, and you will always be his dad, and nothing will ever change that.

My first impulse is to tell him on his twenty-first birthday, unless your ex is going to tell him before then. You would have justification until waiting until he was more mature, a man, until you told him this. He will understand it then and be better able to deal with it than he is now or will be for a few more years.

If you are able to communicate with the mother, I think you should strive to get an understanding with her.

For now, I'd keep the bio dad out of the picture completely.

Good luck. Hard, hard question, I wish I had a perfect answer.

Answer 6

Personally, I can't tell you whether or not you should tell them. I know kids, for example, that were adopted that knew, and some that still don't know. The kids that found out were pretty upset over it, and didn't know how to take it, while the kids that don't know still seem pretty happy. That choice is yours, but your son will never look at you the same way, and will probably feel the need to meet his real father. And, his real father may be a terrible person (or a great one...you need to find out before telling him).

Pretend like you don't know. I mean, everyone has a right to know where they came from...but sometimes it hurts more than it helps. What will he gain from knowing this? Probably just anger at his mother for having an affair, and anger towards you for not telling him sooner. Just leave it alone.

Answer 7

I have an adopted son that knows who his read dad is. His reaction was he wanted to find him and punch him for leaving (this was when he was 16). I would say at this point that since you have a good relationship, don't spoil it. I think 10 is too young. Wait until he is mature, maybe 18 or even 21. By then you will know if you desire to tell him, and he should be able to handle it then. For legal things, if you have a will and want to leave him something, you will need to name him, since he isn't biological. You have raised him. Maybe ask an attorney. You might be able to get an easy adoption, and that would help legal matters, and also show him you really want him as a son, in case your EX would want to bring it up.
So all in all, I would let it go for now. I will pray for you to have God's wisdom on this. E mail me if you desire.

Answer 8

It will do absolutely no good for you to lose sleep over something you had no control over.You are just as much the victim here as anyone.And there is always the possibility that this young man could be yours.
We thought for years that a granddaughter was not ours.Our son finally got a maternity test taken and she was his.But the love we had for this little girl didn't change the day we found this out.We loved our little "sweet pea" no matter what.Just as you love your son, no matter what.You, nor him have anything to be guilty of.Quit the contrary, you both have been put together by a wonderful God and share a love that only a father and son could.

Answer 9

Being that this is such a powerful & emotional subject, I really feel that reaching out for advise from Yahoo Answers is not the road to go down, I think that you,ll get many, many people responding & with lots of good & not so good advise, which is ok when your wanting a answer to, should I not date a guy who is wearing womens underwear? but for something as touchy and serious as determining if you should or shouldnt inform your son of who is his actual bio-father is, needs to be asked by a pro, & that would be a family therapist, this is a serious matter, & should be addressed properly, after all were talking about dropping a major bombshell on a child who is already going thru so much, this could do alot of damage to him if not handled right, so do the right thing & go seek a family counseler, this is your son were talking about & by the way, he is your son, so treat him like he is & do the right thing for him.

Answer 10

Do you love the kid? If so, that's all that matters. I would try to get a DNA first to make sure. I mean why upset anyone if it's not necessary. If you find out that he's not yours, wait until he is older and will understand. Just live your lives like normal and show him all the love that you can. Make sure you never treat the two kids differently. He will understand that you were looking out for his best interest. When he is 18 and wants to find out, he'll be mature to handle it. Good luck. You sound like such a nice guy and I'm sorry that your ex-wife was too stupid to see that.