Childfree woman married a man who wants to be a dad. Their marriage is breaking.?

Question

Consider this scenario:
A man is crazily in love with his girlfriend. He proposes as soon as they are done with medical college. Her only condition at the time of proposal was: Children will not be involved. Although he would have liked a few, he loved her too much to let her go. Three years down the road: Both are full-time doctors and make plenty of money, take vacations often, go on dates all the time, are very engaged in volunteer work and have the perfect life. But family, friends, collegues are now asking THE question. Husband's feelings of being a dad are reignited. Everyone is pestering the wife about her "selfishness", about how she is depriving everyone of the joy of children, about how she should take time off her career and start trying for a family, and how she'll regret it later. But the wife had made this decision when she was a teen. Her reasons are:
1. Severe tokophobia. She has terrible fear of pregnancy and childbirth. She cannot stand the idea of pregnancy and the

sight of child-birth causes panic attacks in her.
2. Her career. She knows that she would be expected to stay home to breastfeed, which repulses her. She worked extremely hard in high-school, college, and med-school to become a cardiologist, and loves her job.
3. She HATES the idea of being a mom. She just doesn’t want to do it. She doesn’t want to raise children. She dislikes them. She hates the idea that they’ll impose restrictions on her life.
Yet EVERYONE is trying to convince her otherwise. Their pestering and comments have gone to such an extent that now she is feeling frustrated that her husband is doing nothing about them. So last week, she talked about separation with her husband. The husband is now literally crying. He REALLY loves her and can’t live without this woman and yet he cherishes his desire to be a father. He is not ready to sacrifice his caree

career either.
Can you suggest a possible solution? What really pisses me off is that total strangers ruined a perfectly happy marriage. What do you think the next step for the husband and/or wife should be?

No. I'm not his wife. The husband is my relative. I'm really close to the wife. Adoption is not an option because of reasons 2 and 3. Plus the husband wants biological children.
She is tokophobic because her mom died due to complications during labor when her sister was born.

Answer 1

Even if her reason was just "I don't want kids" and she told him ahead of time, that's that.

No, others didn't break up the marriage. He did, by not honoring his word. Pressure after she's "locked in" is unfair.

I'd be telling people where they could head in if they attempted to instruct me about why I should have children.

They should sit down and discuss where they are with this. It is grossly unjust for her to be pressured over a PREDISCLOSED, AGREED UPON condition -- no kids.

Answer 2

If a woman does not want to have children, she has that right. Just because a woman has the ability to conceive and bare a child, does not mean she must or has to. That's insane. I think if the woman had children and really did not want to in the first place, would be a detriment to the child that is born. No child deserves to be born into this world to someone that does not want him/her. No child! If for some reason down the road she changed her mind but was not fertile anymore, she could always adopt. My aunt did and she can't even have kids.

I would say the woman keeps her stance if that is how she feels and let others say what they wish. They're being selfish in trying to coerce her into having children when the woman simply does not want that. Maybe she should ask these opinionated people why they would want her to have children when they would not be wanted. Whatever the woman's reasoning for not wanting kids is hers and if the husband knows she is strong in her decision, he's going to have to make the choice to stay and not be a father or move on to someone else. Just my opinion.

Answer 3

This is kinda crazy, but it hasn't been mentioned yet so I thought I'd throw it out there.

All of the married but childless couples I know have dogs or cats and are really into them. So perhaps the couple could get a dog or a pet of some sort so the husband has something to baby and care for and it wouldn't be such a strain on the woman's life. I know a baby and a pet aren't the same thing, but maybe this could satisfy some of the husband's feelings. I also agree with the counseling suggestion--I think that would help.

Answer 4

Conflicts about having children is one of the most difficult problems that a couple can face. It can cause severe difficulties in a marriage and is sometimes the cause of a divorce. Of course it makes it more difficult if others stick their nose in it and don't let the couple make their own decisions. Some people don't want kids. If that is right for them, no one should tell them they're being selfish.

In this situation, I think it would be best if they go to joint couple counselling. If the wife really does not want kids at all, she should not be forced to. She will become resentful and if she doesn't want the kids, after they come along, their marriage problems will not get better and will only get worse. Divorce or marital trouble over this problem would be bad but if kids are involved and it puts further strain on the relationship it would be worse.

I would advise them to go to counselling and see what can be done. Would she be okay with adoption? or is she really against having any children? Based on what you've written she does not want any kids, adopted or her own. If she feels that strongly about it, having children to make her husband happy would only make the problem in their marriage worse. Is he going to be able to stay in the relationship if there are no kids? Love is important and it is hard to face, but sometimes the problems a couple has and the different things that they want in their lives can not be overcome with love. It isn't always enough to make a relationship work unfortunately. This is a situation that they will need to talk to someone about as it will put a serious strain on their relationship and they need to talk to an impartial counsellor who can listen to them both and see if their marriage can be saved in a way that they can both be happy in the relationship..

Answer 5

This is part of where the Bible talks about being unevenly yoked. The husband knew coming into this marriage that there would not be children. PERIOD!!!
Now if he wants to change the arrangement, he needs to change his wife. He should sit down and talk with her like both are intelligent people and come to a decision together. Either adopt a child, or get a divorce. This means the wife will not have to give birth or take time off of work to breastfeed. An infant will be given a good home. They can hire a nanny to take care of the mother's part and he can play Dad all he wants. If the wife is not willing to help raise the child or adopt, then it is time for a new wife. Many women are now opting for no children. There is no reason she should have to change her lifestyle or the things she likes to do just to accommodate him when this was decided years ago. Good Luck, and happy adoption or divorce whichever you decide. (and it is your decision, not the general public)

Answer 6

Why did this couple get married if they disagreed on kids. The wife should have her tubes tied. Maybe the husband can donate his sperm and know that he DNA is out their somewhere. This will go no-where. The wife should stay with the husband until he decides that he can take no more. It's really his decision he knew what he was getting into. Having kids is not easy... been very hard on me and my health hasn't been the same. My life has changed drastically too (and not for the better). Of course I'd do it over again but... if you are certain you don't. Having children will be an absolute nightmare.

Answer 7

I think everyone should mind their own business, and maybe the husband and wife should both make this point clear. Before marriage the wife made her intentions very well know and the husband agreed. He should not now be trying to change her mind. Instead he should be standing by her and supporting her. I do not see where this is negotiable in any way at this point. I have a daughter who is in pre-med and feels the same way. I sure hope people do not try to put this kind of pressure on her. If any of the family did I know I would be all over them telling them to mind their own business as she knows what she wants.

Answer 8

If she dislikes children and doesn't want to be a mother, it's a good thing she's decided not to have children. Having children in the picture, whether it be by birth or adoption, would compromise their well being. If she's not going to be happy with the children, then the children will be deprived of a mother's love. I think the husband knew what he was getting into before he got into it. He should deal with it, or find someone else that will want the same thing in life. Good luck.

Answer 9

Not all women are meant to be mothers and I applaud the ones who know they have no business reproducing.

This woman is married to an incredibly selfish immature man who allowed other people's opinions ruin his life. Frankly she should leave him and find someone with some self respect.

He agreed to something and since he now wants to change his mind, he married her under false pretenses. She said no kids and he agreed. I don't care what her reasons are, she said no and that's the end of it.

I hope she gets everything.

Answer 10

Strangers can't ruin a happy marriage, and neither can anyone else...

People are intrusive when they ask personal questions... and asking someone if or when they are going to have kids is a blatent invasion of privacy. It's no one's business whether they are going to have kids or not!

If Mary and John don't have kids, and i know Mary and John personally, their lack of children is not a life-altering situation for me.... I don't see how people have such nerve.

If the husband and wife you are speaking of can't agree, then i guess they need to find partners more suitable? or else, go back to their original agreement about marriage and kids.... and STOP LETTING OTHERS INFLUENCE their PERSONAL LIVES...

people are so dumb.