need good advice--my marriage is falling apart?

Question

i have been with my husband for 3 years we have 2 kids together and i have a daughter who is 4 and only knows him as daddy. he has started being abusive 2 years ago. (verbal and physical)it's not often and he hasn't beaten me it's more like man handling..i'm starting to resent him and he is blaming me for all our probs..tells me i'm crazy and that's what causes him to slap me or yell at me...he always talks down to me we never have good healthy conversations...I'm not even interested in being intimate anymore which is sssooo not like me..I'm starting to become depressed .and i want to leave but i don't want to dissappoint my family or children..my family doesnt know about this..my mom knows that i am getting fed up with him but not really why.....how do i handle this i am desperate for advice!!! if you have been through this it would help more.feel free to email me

he is working away now-- he goes 28 days and back for 13 days on an oil rig he's been doing this for 3 months now. so really he is not around alot now but we still argue within 24 hours of him getting home because we disagree with something minor usually...wondering if i should just stay clear during those 13 days and try to make it work that way..he says he would go to counseling but then it comes down to that he doesnt have time. kids love him so much and when we dont fight i see his positives and that makes it so hard for me..plus if we were to split up i would be worried about him getting them for extended amount of time and me being away from them for anymore than 2 days.. i couldnt bear it if he were to lose control with one of them and me not be there to help them.(my biggest fear)

Answer 1

If he hits you, it's time to take the kids and leave.

Keep in mind that they see what is going on and will assume this is how "normal" people react.

If this came on all of a sudden, there may be some mental problems happening to him, but I tell you that if you stay, it will get worse.

You must leave now

Answer 2

You need to talk to him about counseling, or get the heck out of Dodge. Especially if he has become abusive, as his temper and frustrations will only grow, and he will take it out on you and the kids more. I got screwed over for years in my marriage, and I would have left a lot sooner if I didn't have kids, but like you the thought of tearing my family apart was horrible. But it really was for the best. The worst thing you can expose your children to is physical abuse, then mental. ANd if they see you and he arguing all of the time, this is what they will learn and use to relate to other kids. They will yell, and get physical, just like they see their parents doing. Having young children can make aspects of your life much more difficult. It will be easier when they are both in school and you both have more time for each other, but can you wait that long? And will he change by then, or at all? Even if he does change, it needs to be asap, because physical abuse should not be tolerated, and the longer it goes on, you might end up making excuses for his behavior, and that isn't right. He needs to be a good father and husband, and if he can't, you should go. I've been a single, full-time father for about a year now, and it is tough to do everythingon your own, but it is SOOOOO nice, to not be treated badly, or to be insulted, or lied to. It is better to be alone and happy, than in a relationship and sad. You will always have the love of your children, just remember that. You will never really be alone. The best advice I can give you, is be yourself, and be true to yourself. If you had no children, would you put up with any of this? Probably not, but the desire for a family and the feelings for your husband interfere. It is much easier sometimes to sit and take it, as opposed to being strong and standing up for yourself and what you know is right, and knowing what you deserve. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck, and hope everything works out ok.

Answer 3

I grew up in an abusive household, and I wish my mother would have left my father a long time ago. I can't begin to explain how painful it was to hear my parents arguing and know that he was more than likely going to hurt my mom. I'm 25 now, and the memory is so fresh in my mind, just thinking about it gives me a heavy heart and makes me very sad. Just remember, if he has the lack of control that makes him put his hands on you, whats stopping him from abusing your children when they grow up...or sooner? You can stop this before it gets any worse. Tell your family, leave with the babies while he's gone, and tell the police. He is unstable at best, if he's hitting his wife. You don't want him to do anything worse than he already has. You don't want to be on the news because your husband commited a murder/suicide. For the sake of your babies, get out, it won't get any better. We are women, we are strong and we ALWAYS do just fine without a man.

Answer 4

You don't want to disappoint your family! They will be disappointed if you raise your children this way because you an adult were more concerned about disappointing someone.

You already said your mom knows your are fed up. Isn't it about time you told her the real reason? You might be surprised the support you get from your family if you let them in on this.

In any case you have a responsibility to your children. Even if he is never abusive to them he is teaching them that this is the way to be, at least to women.

Your kids and you do not deserve this. Do you think your kids do not suffer when they see and hear their mother treated this way? If they don't you have even more to worry about; you need to worry that they believe you deserve this and will in time, treat you this way themselves.

Grow a back bone. Often the right thing to do is the difficult thing. Tell you mother the truth. Then no matter what her reaction get out of there.

Abuse does not get better over time. And it usually gets worse.

In the long run your children will be more disappointed in you if you stay. This is not about you, not about what anyone will think of you, it is about your children.

Answer 5

GET THE FU#K OUT of there!!!!!!!! Grab your kids, load up the car and NEVER COME BACK!!!!! Then go to the police and have a restraining order placed against him... This kind of behavior only gets worse,, it never gets better... You are hurting your children by staying in an abusive relationship like this one!!! If you love your children you will leave him.. And don't be afraid, you can make it on your own, my aunt is a prime example of this... she put up with it for 8 years before she listened to reason.. and now she has her own house, two great kids, and a great boyfriend... She is happy, and only wonders why she didn't leave sooner.. I'm sure you don't want your daughter to think that this is the way a man treats a woman? There is various places that can help, and I'm sure your family will be there for you as well... NO MAN SHOULD EVER LAY HANDS ON A WOMAN REGARDLESS OF THE SITUATION!!!!! Make the right choice for you and your kids, and may God bless you.

Answer 6

Hi!

I am really sorry you are going through this. However, I think you know what you have to do but you are just dreading what's to come. Your children deserve to be in a loving environment as do you. This man has put his hands on you with the intent of causing YOU harm. Not only has he talked to you as though you were nothing, he has probably done so in front of your children.

You mentioned that you are worried about disappointing your family and your children. Can you imagine how disappointed they are knowing that you are allowing yourself (and your kids) to be in a situation that is emotionally unstable?

You need to let your mom know why you are fed up with this guy. She's been there for you most of your life, what makes you think she won't support you on this? Get out while you can and consult an attorney. You need to break free and give yourself another chance at love. Otherwise, you'll spend the rest of your life unhappy.

Answer 7

First of all it did happen to me. My rationalization was that it wasn't all that bad and it would get better. I never wanted to believe that he was like all the other abusers you read about. Well, that it's exactly what it was - a rationalization. Because what they say is true. It never gets better without treatment - it will only get worse and more dangerous. I ended up in the hospital and needed surgery. And it was never close to even being that bad at the beginning. So don't think you're the exception. Either he gets help or you gotta get out.
Please don't stay for the kids. Look what they're being taught a relationship should look like. I know that's not what you want for them. And most likely they spend a lot of their time being scared to death. If you don't get out for yourself, PLEASE get out for them.
I know you probably love your husband and feel if you just did things a little better, or little quieter or a little louder or a little prettier or a little........you get the idea. If you don't understand anything else just know this. You'll never be able to be perfect enough. Because the truth is - it's not about you anyway. It's about how he feels about himself. And if you two are meant to be together then it will work out so that you are. If he refuses to get help then you leaving will only make the situation better - it won't end it if you're destiny is to be together.
Good luck. And just know - you're stronger than you think.

Answer 8

Remember that kids always love their mothers more. You will have to tell them how the relationship with your spouse is otherwise they would think it unfair of you to split the family up.
Call up a trusted family member or friend whenever he isn't around and arrange for you and the kids to stay with them for a while till you arrange a divorce and claim the house and optional restraining orders and full custody of your children.
It is extremely important to leave as soon as possible, domestic abuse will have psychological effects on you and your children for the rest of your lives, but as you're still in the early stages feel lucky to have time.
You do not love your husband, no matter how much you think it's going to hurt your family, it's going to hurt them so much more if you stay.
You were brave to speak up about this, but it's only the first step.

I'm sorry you are going through this especially at this time, and there are people that will help you, trust them.

Take care.

Answer 9

I can't say I have been through that...but I will say that I have been in counseling since I was 6 years old...I suffer from chronic mental depression and I have learned one very important thing...you see when I know when the depression is getting bad because I retreat within myself...I have learned that you MUST talk to someone outside the problem, a friend, relative, counselor, someone you trust because talking about your hidden secrets is hard. Another thing I have learned, you CANNOT do it alone, you CANNOT make it through anything by yourself; you MUST have someone to walk with you through this hard time, someone outside the problem, someone who won't be biased. I do want to commend you for taking the first step...admitting there is a problem and reaching out for help. And last but definitely not least, you were beautifully and wonderfully made by a Higher being and noone has the right to harm you in any way, nor do you have to put up with it; by putting up with it, like you mentioned, you have subconsiously notified him that it is ok and then it can only get worse. Much Love and Prayer!

Answer 10

you have to let him know that you are his WIFE not his blaming pole or his punching bag, he needs to be emotionally hurt to realize how important you are and how much he really needs you....your children shouldn't have to go through what they see he does to you, if you have a son, he will most likely take after his father when he's grown and no woman should ever have to go through an abusive relationship.....get out, get away from him for a while...you need to let your mom know, she may offer some helpful advice too.... go and live with a friend or a family member for close to a month, when you leave the house, reassure him that you love him, but you can't deal with this anymore, and that until he calms down and is willing to treat you like his wife and show you the care and respect you deserve that you will not be a part of that life and will leave until he has rededicated his life to loving you and treating you the way you should be treated and don't tell him where you're going, just leave the house with the kids.....i really hope you can work things out....

Answer 11

All mencan do this at some stage, Is your hubby stressed for some reason? One day when all the housework is done (Do it the day before) and there is no work for your hubby to do, call him into the lounge or somewhere quiet and spill the beans, tell him everything like how you are being pushed to the edge. You must look him in the eye. STARE AT HIM if needed. Do not give him the chance to be loud or abusive, say things like yelling at me makes me feel unwanted. Try to use the least harsh words you can think of. Dont say too much of "You pushing me around makes me feel" instead, say "Being pushed around makes me feel" If he talks listen without interupting at all. If he interupts you constantly wait until he finishes and then say please dont interupt me again I want you to hear what i have to say. Say it calmly then continue on exactly what you were saying before being interupted. Dont raise your voice even if he does. Dont tell him there is something wrong with him or insult him just tell him whats going on. Doing this is one of the hardest things a woman can convince herself to do but it is also the most rewarding. If he stops his abusiveness reward him in some way. Call him into the bedroom and have fun instead of having him call for you. Things like that. Small things like a touch while walking through the kitchen can give him a boost to his day.