My 17 year old son is very secretive and evasive and defiant. He seems to want no accountability for his actions. Several times in the past we've had to "save him" from situations he's created himself. My husband is very strict and insists on asking probing questions - which means he usually ends up finding my son in some deceit, which infuriates my son (and my husband). Right now my son is very defiant. I know that over the next couple of days this could come to blows between them. My husband is ready to throw him out if he doesn't back down, and my son is so defiant and headstrong that he won't back down. As a mother in the middle what can I do. I should support my husband (my husband never feels I support him enough though I am not a pushover mother) but I'm afraid to let my son do what he wants while he has so much rage (I don't want to enable him but I'm afraid for him). Any advice please?
2007-12-26 12:30:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Teenagers are tough.First of all you should not be saving him-it tells him that he can count on you to get him out of a situation that he created instead of holding him accountable-as a Mom the best thing you can do is support your husband's decisions with this and approach your son as a united front. Good luck these years are very hard-but you are doing your son a favor by being tough on him now-it will pay off in the end-
2007-12-26 12:38:09 · answer #1 · answered by Lunaeclipz 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to hear about your current situation. It must be very hard for you to deal with this kind of never-ending stress...
I guess I'd ask you to consider therapy...for all of you.
Perhaps you should have your husband, your son, and you all schedule appointments and go alone. Have the therapist hear your individual version of the situation and then maybe he/she will ask you all to come in for a couple of joint sessions.
What is important here is for you all to understand that you are a family...and that life is not easy.
Your son is at a very vulnerable age right now; he's confused because he's not a child anymore, yet he's not an adult, either. He needs guidelines and limits; but you need to set them in a right and respectful way so he doesn't rebel....The therapist can give you tips and clues on how to deal with him.
He needs to understand that he has to be responsible for his actions, too. Bailing him out of the messes he gets himself in can be OK once or twice; but not forever.
You also need to be given advice- you and your husband- so you can act as a TEAM, and show your son a united front. You are the adults here; so the sooner you get help and start implementing helpful and pro-active things, the better for you all.
Good luck...Things will get better over time; but you have to be patient. A drop of honey attracts more flies than a barrel of manure..!
2007-12-26 21:32:31 · answer #2 · answered by Nena S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My guess is that your son is so defiant because he feels like his dad is pushing him in a corner with all his probing questions. I have a 17 year old step-daughter that we are going thru the same thing with. They are not quite old enough to do as they please--but are old enough to loosen the hold a little bit. We are having a difficult time too and just hope that she doesn't get in that "i'll show you " mode. We've learned to lay off some and just pick and choose out battles. Hope i helped--at least knowing you are not alone!
2007-12-26 20:44:33 · answer #3 · answered by cwcarol82 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Stop saving him from the trouble that he gets into. It is time for some tough love and you need to let him pay the consequences for his actions. Your question asked how do you reason with him. You do not. He is the child and you two are the parents. Where I live in Ohio you cannot throw a minor out of his house.
2007-12-26 21:40:26 · answer #4 · answered by kim h 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well your husband cant legally throw him out quite yet he has to be 18 for that. But he is probably rebelling because there are such strict rules. You may try to convince your husband to ease up a bit. Your son needs to know he can be trusted and treated like he is almost an adult. You also have to stop bailing him out. He knows he is safe and don't have to take responsibility because you with save him. Basically, let him make choices and take the consequences. This is what we do as adults...and he is almost an adult.
2007-12-26 20:37:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
this must be a 17yr old thing my sister does the same stuff and she is constantly threatening to leave finaly one night she told my dad to hit her so he smacked her then she said she was going to call the cops so he handed her the phone my mom who is very suportive of my dad told her not to burn all her briges just yet, so she put the phone down and ever sence there has been some peace, so what your going to have to do is just let you husband do what he has to do as hard as it will be for you too you have to show him taugh love! and youll have to stop saving him from all his problems thats why he is so angery. good luck
2007-12-26 20:38:28 · answer #6 · answered by Mrs T. 2009 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Stop being a push over mom and help him to learn the truth.
His choices must have consequences otherwise you are not helping him, you are only stunting his growth.
Good luck.
2007-12-26 20:43:51 · answer #7 · answered by box of rain 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need family counseling, you all will never work it out between you...schedule some couseling, some for your son alone and some for you all together. there must be some base for all the anger, plus he is a teenager...good luck
2007-12-26 20:41:09 · answer #8 · answered by Jo 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
this broblem may be due to bad friends of your son choose any old honest man from your family that your son like him to advice him he may accept
2007-12-26 20:39:52 · answer #9 · answered by samy n 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋