My fiance and I have been together for 10 yrs and have an almost 2 year old son. We've been fighting a lot lately and have had many ups and downs in our relationship. I'm actually always threatening to leave him and have said some horrible things to him during fights. Even though I know we've been fighting... I was totally caught off guard when he told me last night that he doesn't want to be together anymore. He says it's not healthy for our son to be around the fighting and that he has to leave for his own self-respect.
I have many regrets. Despite the fact that I'm always saying I want to end things I've always been afraid of HIM abandoning me.
Now he says he's willing to continue supporting me for the next 3 yrs while I continue school. And when I ask him what's going on he just says "nothings changing" and to not think so much. He also says he'll hang out with my son and I tomorrow. Do you think there's a chance to make things better? What should I do? I'm distraught.
2007-12-26 11:22:13 · 13 answers · asked by Haulie 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I said to him that I didn't want to lose him and that I really do love him a lot. He said he also loves me and is in love with me and that's why this is so hard. I've suggested counseling and he said he's not interested in doing counseling.
I want to know what, if anything, I can do to heal our relationship. How can I cope with this pain I'm feeling. It's horrible. I am going to have to be seeing and dealing with him all the time but it tears me up.
Also, I want to know if it's unresaonable for me to accept his offer to stay in the house that we bought together, continue to go to school full-time and not work (raise our son) while he supports me for the next 3 years. He says he wants to do this as a friend so that I'll be able to support myself. What should I do?
2007-12-26 11:25:56 · update #1
Oh my gosh!!!!! This seems like me last week. MY boyfriend and i have been together for 6 yrs and we fight everyday about stupid stuff and he said he wanted to leave. i was so sad but then i thought it would be good for us to be apart for a little while to see if we are meant to be together. I know its hard but sometime a person has to find there way back to you. But it is good that he is thinking of your son and he is right its not good for your son to be around all that fighting. Just give it time and see what happens. Don't press the issue maybe he just needs time to think things through. He loves you never doubt that but it gets really tiring arguing everyday. you both say thing you don't mean and remember that person always remember what you say even if you didn't mean!!!! Just give you guys time and a littl space. GOOD LUCK
2007-12-26 11:36:31 · answer #1 · answered by ladibuggs917 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Personally I couldn't handle being in the same house with someone I still love very much who wants to leave me. I'd be hurt and I would be miserable. Without getting too personal, why haven't you two gotten married yet? You've been together 10 years and he's still only your fiance? A wedding doesn't have to be extravagant, and you don't need to finish school first, you two already have a child, so what was the hold up? I'm just curious. For me, I would take what your fiance said as "charity" work. Staying with you for the next 3 years to support you??? "don't do me any favors" is what I would have said. What's he trying to do? Clear HIS conscience? Why would you put yourself through the agony? *BTW, once someone tells you things like "I don't want to be together", those feelings are real and they come from somewhere. There is nothing you can do to change their mind. This is their choice and we can't make people fall in love with us, no matter how sweet we are or how we change. I would have also suggested counseling, but since he is opposed to it then it's obvious he isn't interested in working it out with you. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but don't torment yourself further by having him live there. That would be like waving meat in front of a hungry lion. That's just not fair to you or your child.
Good luck to you.
2007-12-27 21:45:09 · answer #2 · answered by grneyedgrly 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is right, your son should not see or hear his parents fighting. Maybe this a wake up call for you to stop threatening him. He sounds like a great guy if he is willing to still support you while you finish school. That is not is legal responsibility since you are not his wife despite the fact you are the mother of his child.
I think if you let him cool off, and when you and he hand with your son tomorrow, Ask him for a second chance.Tell him you have had time to think about what he said and he is right. You two need to stop fighting. Really mean it. Tell him that he and your son are the most important people in your life and you want them to both be a part of it.
Maybe he will reconsider. Good luck and let us know what happens.
2007-12-26 19:36:12 · answer #3 · answered by Dani Bosco 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I no frist hand how it hurts. Sounds to me there has been alot o things done and hurt feelings on both your part. HE says he wanted out and I am sorry to say by what you wrote he has made up his mind. As far as letting him support you. Well lets face it. After a while you will be dating again and so will he. Do you really think that is the best choice for u. As for all the stuff that you have said and feel bad about. Tell him. Even if you dont make it back together at least he will no for sure that you have always loved him.Dont let him leave your life without him knowing you love him and thank him for all he has done
2007-12-26 19:33:16 · answer #4 · answered by Michelle C 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Take advntage of his generosity unless you have some plac better to go to. Give him some space. Hes probably trying a mind game on you, to enforce his control over you. You need to try alittle reverse pyschoogy here and show him that you can do just fine without him and have fun with your son and once he sees his plan isnt working then he will be back. If he truly wante tio get rid of you then he wouldnt have offered his house and support like he did. Guys just dont do that for someone they plan to break up with. Since I dont know him,its hard to say exactly whats hes up to, but I have a strong gut feeling thats its a male ego mind game. Just be patient for awhile and give him space. Right now youre playing his game and thats exactly what you dont want to do. My email address i thunder_wright@yahoo.com and please let me know whats happening and Ill be able to tell you more
2007-12-26 20:11:39 · answer #5 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him some time to cool off..People get stressed during the holidays. Sounds similar to what I am going through now too. I also have said terrible things during fights. He is right that it is not healthy to do this in front of your son.
Maybe you should get a sitter and get some alone time with your guy to try to talk things out. Counseling is a great way to go..Good Luck!
2007-12-26 19:28:27 · answer #6 · answered by k 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If he loves you like he says he will agree to counseling not just for you or himself but also for the well being of the child you two have.
I think you both need to sit down and see a professional who can help you work through your problems and give you advice on how to work things out, compromise, and use better communication skills in order to work this relationship out.
If he refuses then I think it's time for him to let go. Anyone who is truly in love will fight till they can't fight for their love anymore- with that said if he loves you the way you love him he'll seek help because of the love he has for you to work on things together so you two can try to stick together. If he refuses, he has no interest in sticking around period.
2007-12-26 19:28:22 · answer #7 · answered by ♪Msz. Nena♫ 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It is not healthy for your child to see this fighting. Even though your relationship is ending I still suggest marriage counseling. It is a way to improve yourself, may possibly work out the problems of the relationship and help it work. No matter what you guys have to deal with each other for a long long time and need to still learn to deal with each other, both of you should do it for your childs sake. I have been trying to get my ex to for a long time.. all he wants to do is fight and i see it affecting our daughter.
What do you expect someone to do when you keep threatening to end things.. no body should have to hear that from a loved one if they dont mean it.. it is mental abuse
2007-12-26 19:31:01 · answer #8 · answered by hazeleyes_127 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes there is a chance to make your life better, but that is for you to do.
The first thing you need to realize is that you deserve better than this guy was ever going to give you. You are a beautiful woman who needs a MAN, not another little boy! You already have one of those!
Next you need to get an attorney and make sure the court orders child support.
Then you need to find out why it is you put up with such a guy for so long.
Your life is yours to improve. Start by thinking things through and making better decisions!
Good luck.
2007-12-26 19:28:16 · answer #9 · answered by box of rain 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Get yourself in counseling... rather or not it helps this relationship - it will help YOU to evolve into a better person... which benefits your son.
And why is he telling you what he will do.. get an attorney.. he set up a lifestyle for the kid and will have to support his kid for the next 16 years... depending on his income, and what you agreed to (being a stay at home mom??) he will still have to honor that.. at least more than just 3 years...
2007-12-26 19:31:35 · answer #10 · answered by astutewoman 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋