How can I forgive or how can make him pay for my pain?

Question

I got married in sept. this year. Since my husband is from Spain and I am Californian, he went to Spain for a 1 month to visit his family. Now, he knew I did not want him to leave me for our first Christmas but he did anyway. Now I am hurt, I am full of resentment and worst of all I have been having very sad holidays. I even feel that I hate him. My heart is broken and I feel like I want him to feel what I am feeling. I am just deeply depressed because he did not take me as his priority. I do not know how to deal with this anymore, my cheerful spirit is dead right now and need some healing. The more I hear him the deeper this gets...

He knew since the beginning I was going to be alone and sad. I told him how much this ment to me. I could not go to Spain since I was not granted vacation. We were late on rent for him to pay his trip.

Thank you for your prompt responses. I will keep taking the best from your advice. I think this goes deeper that it sounds.. I am the planner, the one who looks forward and he just sits to see things happen. Even Christmas presents for his family.. I had to force him to tell me what they would want.. It is just so frustrating. I even told him I felt an unmarried woman (eventhough I do not act like one). I know I am lucky to have a family man but at the same time, I would have given all I have to be with him. No single present I received and the only one I asked was away...

Answer 1

You can change course, change attitude, change your outlook, or it's likely you will smother the marriage to death. Your husband is not in this world to meet all of your needs. He is a free agent, and is with you by choice. Start learning how to meet your own needs by developing your inner relationship with the Divine and your higher self. You are not half a person in a relationship with your other half. You are a whole person, complete within yourself. BE a whole person with wide and varied interests and the ability to be responsible for yourself (and keep your agreements while entertaining yourself when he chooses to be elsewhere). Then, when you and your husband come together, it can be with love and by choice, rather than out of need and attachment. Do you see the difference?

Answer 2

If he loved and cared for you then he would have taken you to Spain with him.
Once you marry someone, they should become a top priority.. you and him are a family together but he left you in the cold while he's having a good time in Spain for the Holiday's.
Revenge won't get you anywhere.. but when he comes back you'll have to let him know how neglected you feel. If you two can't work things out then maybe you two shouldn't be together.
A real man would not leave his wife home alone for the Holiday's unless there was a family emergency.
And, I hope your Holiday's get a bit better =(

Answer 3

Hi, it feels to me as you and your husband needs to have a deeper conversation, I dont know how long you two have been together before you got married, but I realy feel he needs to show more respect for you, I can understand he wants to visit his family in spain but didnt have to do it over christmas in my opnion. Make him take the time to talk to you and explain his acting, also tell him how sad this was for you and that you need him by your side but do not get to needy. And ask him to tell you he loves you while looking you into your eyes if he fales with that something is seriusly wrong unless he has a good explonation for nt caring more about you at this time of the year.
Goran

Answer 4

Any time one marries outside of one's culture there are going to be areas of severe, disagreement. Relationships succeed best when the couple has lots in COMMON not lots in differences.

So, this will be just one thing that you and he will have issues about.... he'll wish to return to his family for events, and you have no vacation time, and for him, returning home is a long haul.


You sorta have two choices: Make this kind of thing a deal breaker and end your marriage, or get used to it. And in either case, do so without resentment or rage, because if you harbour resentment and rage, it will just erode your marriage or erode any differences you may have in a future marriage should you choose to end this one........

Hope this helps.

Answer 5

my dear, just answer this one question - deep in your heart, do you still love him? what makes you marry him in the first place? true, first xmas together is great but don't make this one issue the rock upon which your marriage breaks. u know what they say, to err is human, to forgive, divine. remember what xmas is truly about - love. sometimes, men can be jerks - they tend to make their own list of priorities. you have to show him the best of women's characters..not the opposite. so, dear, forgive your man..don't fight over small matters..let go of that resentment...remember, he visits his family for only 1 month..but you can have the rest 11 months to be with him. don't let negative thoughts mar your spirit for xmas or new year. oh, btw..remember this thingy ppl used to say - let him go..if he comes back, he's yours to keep..if he doesn't, then he was never yours... love - that's the greatest thing ever given to any living creature. think abt it :)

Answer 6

Listing to this song, this might cheer you up !

Gary Moore - No Reason To Cry

http://youtube.com/watch?v=RMqwzwJNoV0

If you could see inside my heart,
you'd see a loneliness right from the start.
Feels like laughing love has passed me by.
These days I need no reason to cry.

If you could feel the way I feel,
you'd know that every word I say is real.
Seems like laughing love can pass you by.
These days I need no reason to cry.

I always knew I would have to let you go.
The years go by and the only thing I know
is that I love you still.

If I could see your face today,
then all the emptiness'd be far away.
All the loneliness would pass me by.
Then I would have no reason to cry

-----------------------

Yea I love this song, it's my all time favorite.

Good Luck and hope you and your husband work things out !

God Bless

Jordan

Answer 7

you know my hubby's family is from Texas (i know not as far as Spain, but it feels like it) anyway, we were only together at that time since april, but he went with his dad and nephew to visit his grandparents. i thought that that was the worst christmas ever. we got married the following year and then a few weeks before christmas, my dad passed away and he was here with me...he continued to go to texas for another couple years...then his grandma died. and a couple years ago he went for the last time his grandpa was really sick. he was able to get there and he passed away a couple of weeks later. i always fought with him when he went, but after the first few years of him leaving, i realized he wasn't LEAVING ME, but he was going to visit his family that he knew weren't going to be there forever. i never stood in his way, but i was depressed, but i had my family here. it's a difficult thing, but put it like this, i could have went with him, but i don't speak spanish and none of them spoke english, you will have him forever, how long is he going to be able to go to spain to spend time with his family. i think on some level you are lucky to be married to a family guy. it's ok for your heart to be broken, and be depressed, this is a time for family, but you need to spend time with your family and remember he will be coming home to you.

Answer 8

Ideally you should have gone with him. I assume by your post that he has moved to California with you? If so then he obviously doesn't see much of his family, where as you will get to see him every day. It's not alot to ask to see his family over xmas when he has made such a big sacrifice for you. I suggest next time he goes, go with him.

Answer 9

My question...why the hell did you two get married to begin with? Do the two of you have ANYTHING in common? Get off your pity pot at start taking responsiblity for the choices you have made in your life. Your life is what YOU make of it. If this isn't the life you wanted then CHANGE it. But cut out the whining

Answer 10

I suggest you think this out. Once a marriage falls into a tit for tat, you hurt me, I'll hurt you, rythm. It can go on for a long time, until it's over. Part of marriage is sacrifice and compromise, and there's plenty to go around.