how do I get over a bad marriage?

Question

it was really pretty bad from the beginning, but I hung in there against all odds.... all the details would take forever but I did the absolute best I could with this lying, drinking, asexual, cheap, aggressive, violent, drug-using biggest bastard that ever walked the earth.

now on top of it I find out he's seeing someone, and he's lucky to be overseas so I can't kick his sorry a** into next year... we'd been separated for over a year too, and I was pretty much waiting for an excuse to end it all.

now I have my excuse, you say... and I feel like I can finally move on, it'll be a Happy New Year indeed! and all I need right now are tips for those moments when I think of the 0,5 seconds when we actually had something good going, before the sh*t hit the fan.

thanks everyone, i just need a little holiday cheer, i think it'll be easy for you! right!?

it was a physical separation, but we were in touch until about 10 days ago, he was going to come back form Xmas... and nobody is perfect but I certainly gave much more to this relationship than he did! he got the best I could give.... honest.

thanks everyone, now that I read it I feel like such a sucker, that's what love will do to you... but I'm moving on! >phew< about time!
Happy New Year!

note to livingthe30s, I know now why I got into that relationship, and I WILL move on to better things, but I only stayed with him out of decency and support for him for several reasons, stupid a** that I am, whiny victim that he pretends to be. But he is at fault for a lot of what happened, believe me.

Answer 1

I think the reason you stayed as long as you did was because of the kind of person that YOU are - clearly you are loyal and devoted, and a really high class person. You gave your all, which you now see was more than he deserved. But, you can be happy that no one could criticize you with cause, because you clearly gave it all you had. It says a lot that is WONDERFUL about YOU! Don't be angry - you are 1,000 times better off without him, and believe it or not , IMO, you should be glad he's seeing someone else, because it makes the split easier - he can be aggressive & violent with her instead of you.
Now you will be way smarter and way more alert in the next relationship! So, seems crazy, but, count your blessings! Those blessings will loom bigger and bigger the farther away you get from this jerk.

Answer 2

Hun the reason it hurts so bad. Is that you to may not have been in the same house. But you to were still in that bond. You said you just been looking for an excuse. Well from what I read you had many! So why have you been holding on so long. I no its hard frist hand to just walk away. Rather a good marriage or a bad one. IT still stings when its over

Sounds to me like you already no what has to be done. Your not happy and have not been. So let it be done and over with. OH MY GOD hun!!!!!!!! I no how hard it is to be alone! If you need a freind I a here. Save your self the tears and heartbreaks. Morn it and move on. There is life out there! Please contact me if you wanta chat more [e-mail] or angelic_dream72

Answer 3

First and foremost the breakdown of your marriage is not your fault nor should you ever blame yourself. Yes there are probably things that you could have done differently and maybe it wouldnt be where it is now but life doesnt work that way and none of us has the capability of seeing into the future. As humans,we all make and will continue to make mistakes. All we can do is learn from them and move on hoping to never repeat them. You did your best to make this marriage work and thats all any of us can ever do and sometimes things just werent meant to be, so we pick up the pieces and move on. This guy just didnt deserve someone as special as you and the day will come when he will realize this. You just need to divorce him,sue his a.s for everything youre legally entitled to and move on and find your real Prince Charming whose looking for his Cinderella. You deserve better. Good luck

Answer 4

Well good for you, you're moving on with your life and leaving your past behind. I hope you find a man who loves you and respects you !

Leave him be it's his problems, one day everything will come back to him, and maybe he may realize that what he did to you was unacceptable.

Someone will put him in his place !

Good Luck and I want to wish you all the best in the years ahead,

Being happy is your birthright !


Best Regards

Jordan

Answer 5

There is just one thing you can do to (in your words) "get over a bad marriage". You aren't over, because you haven't taken responsibility.

You need to take responsibility to get over that bad marriage.

Your first step is to understand, nobody else but you is responsible for the good and bad that happened in your life. For as long as you blame him, you will always be putting the responsibility on him, and not you, since it was you the one who got you into that, it wasn't your neighbor, it wasn't me, they weren't your friends, it was you.

You chose him, he is one of the many with those characteristics.

You wont move an inch forward in your life, while he is responsible for the bad things that happened in your life. He is actually a smart person, he is seeing someone else and probably having a great time.

It's not true what people say succeed to revenge, or make yourself happy so you can make the other person feel miserable. Disregard that.

Take responsibility for the bad things that happened in your life, accepted that nobody pushed you into that relationship, it was you. Once you realize it was your fault, and only your fault, you can forgive him for everything, since in reality he has absolutly NO fault at all, you stayed there because you wanted, you could have left a long time ago. He was just the way he is, if you were there taking what he was giving you, why would we blame him?, you were there because you wanted, because you chose wrong.

If you haven't learned you made a poor choice, most likely you will keep making the same mistake for as long as others are responsible for the problems you have in your life or what happens to you. We live in a world with so many choices, we can be victims if we want, if we dont' want to be victim, we are not going to ever be a victim.

If tomorow you are a victim, why would we have to blame one of the many abusers you have chosen to be with you?

The best you can do, is take responsibility and consider yourself as the very only responsible person for absolutely everything that happened in your life, good and bad, 100% of what happened in that relationship. Because you were there, because you got there by yourself and you could have left him as soon as you saw it was a wrong choice.

It doesn't matter where or with who he is at this time, or in what country. It matters that you believe it was his responsibility, in reality, bottom line, it was you.

It was you the one who choose him as a partner, you the one that stayed there, no one else can be blamed, except you. Once you take responsibility, you have learned, you are more mature, you will make better choices in the future, and you wont care what he is doing anymore, because he will be what he is, just one more, of the many bad ones, or one more of the many good ones, in your case, one more of the many bad ones or at least bad for you.

Answer 6

Find support!

Either go to an AL-anon meeting, or a meeting for separated and divorced people. The important thing is you need to talk about your feelings with people who understand.

Good luck.

Answer 7

It's time to get a divorce and begin to start a new life for yourself.

You can't fix your bad marriage.....so it's time to really start the New Year off right as a single woman.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Only "lots of time" can get anybody over that kind of situation...

It helps speed things up and moves things along faster if you find someone else to have a relationship with...

Even a few "fleeting affairs" helps sometimes to get the "old smell" of you ex-mate out of your system...

Speaking from experience here, unfortunately...

Answer 9

well, to me even 6 months separated is a permanent separation, so why shouldn't he see someone else? Im not saying the guy wasnt what you say he was, but were you all roses?
He's moved on, you should too. The only way to get over it is time.

Answer 10

Well, you have a great attitude already, just keep it up. In that half second you might second guess yourself, just remember what got you here, not anything about him.