After three years I gave him an ultimatum, he promised he would ask within two years. That deadline is rapidly approaching and he claims he doesn't remember ever promising the two year thing. I find being apart heartbreaking but he doesn't seem that bothered (partly because I'm the one putting in the effort - we're in a LDR). I love him, but I hate that he's not in the same place as me.
I don't want to leave him.. everytime I threaten to I realise it destroys our relationship.. but what do i do? He has a house and a mortgage hundreds of miles away from me, which is he isn't prepared to put me on until we're living together, I'm not happy to give up my career to move in with him until I have commitment. There is no middle ground career wise. What to do?? :(
2007-12-26 09:48:58 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm 23 he's 25.
2007-12-26 10:01:15 · update #1
..also, we've been in an LDR for coming up to two years (hence the 2 yr decision time he set before - had been together 3 years before that)
2007-12-26 10:03:03 · update #2
Well, it seems as though you need to make a decision: continue the relationship as is, knowing that he doesn't have any plans to propose anytime soon; or you make the marriage proposal (hey, it is fine for the woman to propose); or find someone who feels as strongly about marriage as you do. There really aren't any other options.
2007-12-26 09:53:37 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, it sounds like you need to take a deep look within yourself and figure out what is most important to you - your career or your relationship. LDRs are hard at best and rarely work out. I don't know what your age is, but in my opinion you have to build your life first and someone will come along that will add to your life and you to his. At some point, those two lives will intertwine to become one. You shouldn't have to walk away from everything to attain your relationship goals and neither should he. The fact that he doesn't want to make the committment may or may not be a bad thing. I'm sure that he has some concerns about the future as well - and remember that marriage doesn't always mean it will be a lasting relationship! Really weigh your options and decide what's best for you - use your head first but don't neglect your heart. Together, they won't lead you wrong....but you may not like the answer they come up with at first! Trust yourself and don't be afraid of new things....or of the thought of letting go of something that is not right for you.
2007-12-26 17:56:55 · answer #2 · answered by lavender_ties 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You both are so very young...Do you date others? Since he's hundreds of miles away, are you sure he isn't seeing others?
How often do you 2 get together? I understand your unwillingness to give up your career until he commits, that's smart. You mentioned threatening him could destroy your relationship. What kind of relationship could you possibly have in a LDR (hundreds of miles)?
You apparently know the real answer you're looking for, but haven't wanted to make the final decision. You will never know if following through with a threat will get you what you really want. At least not until you try...keep us posted....
2007-12-26 18:26:13 · answer #3 · answered by rabbit4041 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He isn't planning on marrying you. You don't want to leave him but are you prepared to be strung along with no end to the road??? Don't give up your career because your relationship is going NOWHERE.
My suggestion for you to consider is this:
Tell him you are ready to settle down and have a marriage. You respect the fact that he isn't. Therefore, you are going to move on with your life. IF the time ever comes that he is ready to marry you, he can contact you. IF you are still free and IF you are still interested, you can discuss the matter. Otherwise, he is not to call, text, IM, write, or stop by. Wish him the best and show him the door. Do not bend; do not fold!! You need to continue in your career and move on with your life.
2007-12-26 18:48:41 · answer #4 · answered by missingora 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Analyze your situation.
First .. he has you, he already has his own house .. which in my State will always remain "his" even after marriage to you - because he purchased it before the marriage. So .. if you moved in - then got divorced, you would have nothing house wise .. the house would be his.
He lives hundreds of miles away .. so he can basicly live as a free man .. and still have you .. and still do as he pleases when he is away from you. For a man - he has a pretty -good set up.
From your statement - it's pretty evident that he does not want to get married. And - it sounds like he may be that he is really sure of your love for him - since he does not seem so overly concerned ... he just probably thinks that you want him so badly that you will stay & stay & stay .. no matter how long he does not marry you. You will always be there for him.
You cannot make a person be in the same place as you with feelings .. and you really don't want to badger him for marriage, this would not make you happy.
Next - you are using up unreplaceable years of your life - just waiting on him .. and truth is- he doesn't want to get married... or he would marry you When a person wants to get married - they get married .. just like now, you want to marry him - and you have wanted to get married to him for years (with no results).
I have seen this happen before .. so think about this question. Think of how it would feel .. if he started dating someone else - then suddenly married them ,,,, not waiting - just married them quickly? This could make you so bitter - and hurt your self-esteem. It happens. It is shocking, but it happens when someone wants to marry.
You should not give him an ultimatum about marrying you. You would not like for him to say that he had to marry you only because you gave him an ultimatum. Allow him to have his own choice .. and to pursue you for marriage because he wants to. I know you won't like hearing this .. and I know it hurts you ... but usually, when a guy wants to marry a girl - they are hard to run off ... the guy really pursues the girl hard .. and if possible, he gets the girl & marriage.
Then .. you have a career. What if you sacrifice everything .. for nothing? The guy doesn't want to marry, or he would get married.
To boil it down ... you have a long-distance with a guy who already has his own home (his home, alone) .. who has you .. but does not want to marry you. The guy has not responded to ultimatums.
You have to decide your options.
Think about it .. if you give him an ultimatum - then you are kinda forcing his hand at marriage. Do you really want to marry him this way? Wouldn't you rather have him come to you freely - seeking you, because that is his choice & what he wants to do?
And .. have you considered that he might just back-off from you .. and your ultimatum ?
He isn't prepared to put you on the morgage until you live together because he doesn't seem to have future plans to do this.
You have to decide what you really want.
Do you want to force him to marry you with your ulimatums? .. or even have him back away from your ultimatum? Are you willing to deposit more years of your life, wondering if he will ever marry you .. or not marry ?
Have you ever wondered what he would do if you just slipped out of his grasp? Not doing so to make him cave-in ... but would he care enough to come for you?
Him not wanting to get married is a problem .. but actually it is just a "symptom". What is the cause behind the symptom? ... as in, "WHY" doesn't he want to get married? ... there is a genuine reason why ... he probably will not tell you why ... but it exists. Sometimes, people need to quit listening to what some people say -- but look at the actions of the person - because their actions tell what they feel.
You do have choices. There are different ways to go about this - other than giving ultimatums (which is actually a type of force).
Have you ever consider just back-off? Giving him so much room .. and even branching out yourself with other interests which keep you occupied .. might help you somewhat. Lots of times, when we just push a problem to the back of the shelf & give it a rest .. completely quit thinking about it .. then revisiting it again - the answer will come more easily.
Analyze your situation. Consider your options. Make your choices.
2007-12-26 18:39:30 · answer #5 · answered by Tara 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to decide what's important to you and if you can accept him, the way he is. Why would you want to push someone into marriage. If they aren't ready, they aren't ready. I don't blame you for not giving up your career without that kind of commitment tho.
I think I'd move on. If being apart doesn't bother him, there's a reason. Being long-distance leaves him a lot of wiggle room and freedom and evidently he's happy with that. If he knew you wouldn't move without marriage, and he knew he would not marry, then he's been having his cake and eating it too.
2007-12-26 18:15:55 · answer #6 · answered by bonnieboobabe 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Personally, I wouldn't pressure my bf to marry be b/c I want it to be something that he wants to do. How can you give him an ultimatum? Just b/c you have been together for 5 years doesn't mean that he has to marry you. You shouldn't threaten him to marry you, how miserable is he going to be then? Your not willing to compromise anything, your job. If he loves you like that, he'll ask you. Don't pressure him or you'll live a life of disappointment. If you don't want to continue to wait, then leave.
2007-12-26 18:01:21 · answer #7 · answered by Rica 82 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Alright, sounds like a complication of things, i wouldnt say he isnt ever going to marry you, but maybe he just isnt ready, you failed to include his age. I wouldnt give him an ultimatum either, if my GF did that id answer her right then and there and she wouldnt like the answer. He is proabably stubborn like me :), what is the rush to get married anyways. Stop the threatening because i can bet he is thinking this. "This girl said i better marry her or else, ill show her!" Just enjoy what you have and time will help everything fall into place
2007-12-26 17:56:58 · answer #8 · answered by Manny 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some relationships aren't meant to be. Five years of an LDR is probably 4 years too long, unless there are extenuating circumstances such as military service, etc. You love your career more than you love him, face it. If it was a question of losing him and losing your career, you choose your career. That means he isn't "the one."
2007-12-26 17:58:55 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
As much as it will break your heart, maybe this is not the guy for you. It seems to me that you are putting all the effort into this relationship. You can not force someone to marry you. Well, I guess you could but who would want that??? Wouldn't you rather have someone that loves you deeply enough to marry you, without you having to push the issue?
2007-12-26 18:01:20 · answer #10 · answered by Simply Lovely 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋