This is hard for me, please no nasty answers...?

Question

My fiance and I have been TTC for a few months now. We started out pretty serious about it, and now it's just 'if it happens, it happens'. My problem is that we have been fighting about the stupidest things, all the time. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I try to compromise, but he doesn't want to give. We were having some financial difficulties, but those will solved, so we can start the New Year brand new and start saving for baby. I may already be pregnant, but I don't want a child to have to grow up with our fighting. Do you think the fighting will ease when our money situation straightens out and now that we aren't stressing about baby making? We've been together since high school and we have our ups and downs, but now that I'm ready to settle down, I'm second guessing everything. Please help. And please, spare me the nasty comments (about leaving him, or being irresponsible). We have a good foundation together...I just need advice on how to overcome these obstacles.

Katey,
We aren't married yet because my sister just got married and my dad really wanted me to have the wedding of my dreams. That's why we decided to wait until next year (Daddy won't let his little girls pay for the wedding). And, if you read my question, you would have seen that the financial situation is being fixed, will be 100% better in January. We haven't been having problems. It sounds like you are just trying to push you own beliefs about children before marraige around. We will have babies when we want to, married or not. I was asking for advice to reduce the stress.

Answer 1

I went through similar feelings and situations. I know that you don't want to hear this but babies not make things better. Any cracks in the relationship will get bigger after a baby is born. If you are serious about staying in this relationship and having the baby my advice to you is to spend the next nine months working on the problems in your relationship because you won't have much time to do it after a baby is born. Good luck and email me anytime if you would like to chat.

Answer 2

Money problems and seeing "eye to eye" will always be there. The question is whether the two of you have an adequate foundation, that is, an adequate commitment to each other, that whether baby or no, money or no, etc., you're committed to go through it together.

When there is tension, pressure, problems that you don't seem to be able to solve, you feel frustrated and all the little things become unbearable. So you need to get involved in something else, and refuse to let financial problems tear you apart.

Do fun things you did in high school. Listen to music, or go to Lover's Outlook and make out. Snuggle on the couch when watching TV, and make his favorite dinner with candles and wine and with no expectation for sex on any of these activities. If you feel like it, fine, if you want a break, fine too.

Take care. I wish you the best.

TX Mom

Answer 3

You are probably just fighting from all of the stress. Every couple goes through it (especially over finances), but you should really find a good way to deal with it now, because if you do have a child there will be more stress and arguments to come. Having a baby is extremely stressful on a couple. My husband and I have learned that if one of us is upset, the other should just walk away. We both know that eventually we will talk about it and settle it like adults, but in the meantime we need our space. It works for us, we rarely argue, and we don't ever yell.

Answer 4

its sad but its quite normal to begin taking your frustrations out on eachother when ttc. you get so caught up in wanting a baby that when it doesnt happen you start feeling like maybe it wasnt meant to be and then you start looking at your partner like maybe things arent going to work out between you and thats why god hasnt blessed you with a baby. you start getting mad or frustrated easily over things you normally wouldnt or you start 'noticing' things about your partner that you dont like and the fighting begins! at least thats how it was for me. we have a 3 year old and for the most part things had always been good between us but when we started trying for a second baby and werent having any luck for over a year i started blaming it on him because i was so frustrated! (we were also having some money troubles and whatnot) i wanted a baby so bad but i thought well, its probably not going to work out, maybe its better i didnt get pregnant with another child, and i think he probably felt some animosity toward me also. we began fighting all the time and eventually broke up for a few months until we realized that we really do love and want to be with eachother but that we just had to try and be patient and stop stressing. it didnt take us long after we got back together before i finally got pregnant and everything is going great for us. we are making more money than we ever have, we are buying a house, and just really enjoying life.

Answer 5

Through out life you will have problems with this relationship are the next one. i think it's best to stick it through. You know what you have , but you will never know what you are getting in to once you leave. Work it out ! The huge stress is the problem , but when the baby is born men listen and take more notice in what you have to say. That when I think they becomes a man, father, and best friend. Congratulation if you are everything going to be okay .

Answer 6

I know how you feel. And yes, I do believe that finances take a HUGE strain on a relationship.

Don't be afraid to argue, it's healthy. And, you already know that you have to move into another room when you do 'fight'. Sounds like you have your head in the right place. Doubts are normal.

Answer 7

First of all, why are you TTC if you aren't even stable enough to get married yet? If you aren't ready for that commitment, then you certainly aren't ready for the commitment of a child. Why have you not gotten married yet? Is it because of money- baby won't help. Have you not been engaged long- getting pregnant won't help. Quit trying until after you are married. If you are already pregnant, however, you need to have a serious, serious talk with him. If you have money problems and fights over money now, take that times at least five and welcome to life after baby.
It sounds a little like you (or both of you) are wanting this to help your relationship. It won't- it will only kill it! Your problems with communication and finances are not going to get better without work, but they can get better. But you need to see where he is- it almost sounds as if he is trying to push you away. Hopefully not, maybe he is just overstressed (holidays will do that). Just tell him that you need to have a talk with him about where things are going, and to let you know when he is ready to talk- forcing him will only make him defensive. Give him a deadline (Like by Next Monday) and let him pick when he is ready to talk about these things.

Answer 8

i think once you know your pregnant all those stupid issues will be left behind.. you have to know what will happen if you are pregnant , you both have to put work into making your relationship work,, i know it brough me and my hubby even closer then we were ! but we were very much in love before we found out!! we just got married in sept but both wanted a baby

Answer 9

Truely you'd be happier if you waited for babes 'til after you're married. There's just an extra "someting" when you commit to eachother forever. It's not "my boyfriend" or "my fiance" but it will be m"MY HUSBAND".. it is different.

Things aren't going to be rocky forever when it's the person you're meant to be with, Maybe it's better you found out now, but if this is the first time you have been in this situation, then is just may be a bad day or week.... or (like most men would say) maybe you're hormonal and ARE pregnant.

good luck

Answer 10

oh lord no things will not get better once a baby comes, i had the same problems with my husband and trust me, a baby is just yet ANOTHER thing you guys will be fighting about.