what do you do when you fined out your husbands cheating.?

Question

Ive been married for 9years and found out my husbands been cheating.It started within the 1st month of our marriage.

Answer 1

Wow. Since the first month? Has this been with the same person all of these years? This would make a difference in how I'd suggest you handle things.

How did you find out? Did he come out or did you discover it in some way?

An essential question is how do you feel about him? Without knowledge of the cheating, how has your relationship been? Many men who cheat do so because they are feeling disconnected from their wives for one reason or another. If it has been going on this long, it is not just a passing distraction. There are some fundamental factors going on here.

If he has been an attentive spouse all these years, I can see how you might not want to throw it all away. There are options people find to recover from such a discovery. I'll keep an eye to see if you update your information (or you can send me an email).

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Answer 2

THATS A GOOD QUESTION MY DEAR. It sure isn't an easy thing to decide what to do when you've been married to him for 9 years. The first impulse would be to suggest leaving him...as what my fellow answerer suggested earleier. But the saying that once a cheater always a cheater is actually a myth. Men can change...cheating habits that is, with the right help from a professional, and of course your continued love and support.

I checked out some webpages and found the following from Oprah's site quite helpful... check it out and have a lil light shed on the situation..

http://www.oprah.com/tows/slide/200505/20050505/slide_20050505_101.jhtml

The book, The Script by Vicky Mainzer and Elizabeth Landers says that all men follow a blueprint when they cheat: "Unfaithful men all act alike. Just like they were following a script. Every woman who experiences an unfaithful husband feels confused and baffled by his contradictory statements and behavior. She starts believing that she really must be crazy, unappealing, selfish and unloving, just as her husband says. It's all a part of the script."

Brian had an affair with a woman at work for two-and-a-half months until he decided to confess to his wife. He believes that the ideas in The Script are pretty accurate. "There's not too many roads you can go on differently in an affair," Brian says. "It's pretty hard to come up with creative ways to cheat."

But Brian says he never felt unhappy in his marriage. He simply developed a strong connection with another woman. "I never got into the relationship with the other woman because I was dissatisfied with my wife," he says. "I still loved her in every way, and I just didn't understand [why I was cheating]. There was certainly an emotional connection I had to the other woman."

Mike and his common law wife have been together for seven years. Mike admits to three affairs—in two of which he had physical relationships. Mike's also had phone sex with other women as well—which he says he considers cheating, but some men do not. The other "affair" he speaks of was an emotional affair.

"I was going to somebody for something that [my wife] should have been providing for me," Mike says.

Stephen says that he cheated on his wife, Natalie, in part because she made her work a higher priority than their marriage. "It just felt like I was a single parent that was married, and just being taken for granted," he says.

Natalie says that this was somewhat true. "When we got married, we were best friends. I mean, the whole time we were dating we were just together all the time and had a good time and enjoyed each other's company," she says. "And right when we got married, I went into management and dove head first into my work, and that's all I did was work. And I'd come home and crash."

Natalie said she took Stephen for granted. "He was such a great father and a great provider that he maintained the house, he maintained our children, which allowed me to work even more. And I stopped being a wife and I stopped being a friend and a mother."

Natalie says she'd already heard almost everything about Stephen's cheating, so she was not all that surprised by what he said on the show. One element in his frank discussion with Oprah was new, however. "The comments he made about the day he told me. That was the first time I ever heard him express the emotion about how hard that was for him," she says. "How bad he hurt me, and that he got that."

What Ryant's cheating did do, however, was incite the inquisitiveness that Danine, who works as an investigator, says is in her nature. "I just started looking at the patterns, and he wasn't home at certain times. I kind of did my little research and found out where [the woman Ryant was having his affair with] lived and did my little tracking. It's awful, because you get obsessed with looking and digging and searching and then once you're right, it just motivates you to keep looking and keep digging and keep searching and there's no end to it.…

"It was really helpful to hear him say that there were things that he could have done also in our relationship that could have done a lot for me. I think a lot of men are under the impression that flowers and candy and cards are great but, you know, mop a floor and unload a dishwasher. Get me in bed a little earlier. I mean, those things are a turn-on."

I thought i'd just give you a couple snippets from the page just in case you faced difficulty in accessing it, so please take some foolish advice a try to rectify the problem..if it was something he could have done differently, something that you could have done differently or somethings that you both just need to work on with a helping professional.

Answer 3

You cannot trust the untrustworthy. Without trust, you don't have a marriage. I suggest you put a plan in place to leave him.

You should also go to the doctor and make sure you don't have any STDs.

Then, set an appointment with a counselor. You may have been an enabler all of this time. You need to get yourself on track so you don't wind up with someone just like him in your next relationship.

Take your time. Make a plan. Work the plan. Move on with your life...

Answer 4

I have two words for you.......GET OUT! Get out now! He will never change and doesn't it make you feel like @@## knowing that for 8 yrs and 11months he hasnt been able to keep his @@@ in his pants???? You need to pick up what selfesteem you have left and get out of that nightmare that you call a marriage. I am so sorry for you but girlfriend you need to get it together if you ever want to feel like a human being ever again. You need to get a hold of your family or anyone who will support you emotionally and let them know whats going on so they can be there and give you the encouragement that you need. Then you can take the steps forward into re-building your life with someone new! Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 5

Leave him and don't look back. Those kinds of guys never change and as hard as it is to believe,your whole marriage was a sham and your attorney should be able to help you out big time with a settlement. Then get a good therapist to help you through this and to keep up your selfesteem, you did not bring this on yourself.

Answer 6

You can stay and be miserable or you can leave. If you stay around he's not going to stop. Don't waste another 9 years with a man that doesn't respect you. Get out while you're still young, you're getting older and the longer you stay the more likely you will not leave. What is he is doing is not fair and you deserve better.

Answer 7

Confront him, if you chose to stay give him an ultimatum straighten up or your leaving. I don't think you sound like the sharing type. Let the past be the past if you can forgive, talk about why he did that was it you being unwilling to be their for him? Was he being a selfish asshole? Talk, get a commitment from him and start over. If you say you forgive then do that. Don't keep bringing it up.

Answer 8

First off make 100% sure that he has been. Don't take everything that you hear for the truth. Talk to him and have him tell you he has been cheating. Don't accuse him of it. Let him know that you simply want to know the truth and that you guys have been together long enough to where you owe each other that much. If he fesses up to it then you have your answer. If not then you have to decide what you believe.

Answer 9

There is no way that I would forgive a man for cheating. I would have to get a divorce. Yours has been cheating your entire marriage. What kind of marriage is that? I would tell him to leave and let her have the liar.

Answer 10

Thats a long time to be cheating on someone you love. Maybe if it just started i would say its up to you maybe give it a chance but for 8 years i would have to say let it go. if he could lie to you this long he will do it again. it will hurt but will hurt more forgiving him and spend 9 more years with him and find out he is cheating or let go and heal in 9 months ready to take on anything. just do whats best for you you have to think about your self now.