My husband got fired and has been unemployed for four months. He spends an average of 1-2 hours per day looking for work and/or interviewing. I have provided him with books and materials on how to conduct a successful job search. He recently got a job for 10 hours a week but it is a new company so the prospects are uncertain.
For Christmas he didn't give any sort of gift to me or my family even though he knew we were spending hundreds of dollars on him. He did buy a bottle of wine for one of his friend's family and is going to go snow boarding with his friends with his own money.
So when I try to talk to him about all this and express my concerns/hurts, he says yes I know the average person would have dumped me by now. But nothing comes after it as to how we might solve the problem or where his priorities are. He says his priority is me but I thought actions speak louder than words? I'm so confused and don't know what to do?
2007-12-26 06:08:27 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Actions are always louder than words.
He bought his friend's family something and got you absolutely nothing ... and is going snowboarding without you on money he could have easily used to buy you all a xmaxs gift.
I would re-evalutate your relationship with this man!
2007-12-26 06:12:41 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
I think you both have value issues. You talk about him giving you and your family gifts as if they are not his family. You also talk about him being unemployed as if he is not a part of you.
He is spending some time looking for work and he has a part time job. Rather than just giving him books and materials on job searches, help him search for a job.
Rather than spending hundreds of dollars on him for Christmas when he does not have a job, use that money to pay the bills. I get the feeling that the two of you keep separate bank accounts from the wording of your question.
Essentially, your question implies that you are married in theory only. Your marriage is not financially or emotionally tied together. I highly suggest that the two of you re-evaluate your marriage and what it means to the both of you.
You are confused because of the fact that the two of you live separate lives. End the confusion and verify what your marriage is.
Take care,
Troy
2007-12-26 06:22:46 · answer #2 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Being unemployed can take a huge toll on someone mentally. It could be that he is depressed or just disheartened by the job prospects.
When he hits you with that line, tell him "I am NOT an average person, I am your SPOUSE. I'm sticking with you because we made a commitment to each other in good times and bad times."
You cannot, and should not, do this job search for him. You have given him a push in the right direction. He needs to be the one to do this. Have him write out a list, work on his resume, expand his job search, see a career counselor. If you think just by not buying gifts you are not his priority, then it sounds like the issue is yours, not his. If you feel that he should not be going out with his friends at all while he finds a job, then that may be his issue.
2007-12-26 06:16:17 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
1) take the compliment, and say "thank you for recognizing that I'm something more than an average person."
2) Say something about how "dumped" is a boyfriend-girlfriend word, and you are husband and wife which puts you in a whole new ball game.
3) Mention how finances are the top reasons couples fight, so if you fight over it, that's normal and okay, but what's not okay is to not discuss it at all.
4) Say you want to set some very simple goals for financial planning TOGETHER.
5) Again remember, fighting and disagreeing is normal, but learn some proper rules of engagement - you can express disappointment in someone's actions, but don't attack each other on the personal level.
Good luck
2007-12-26 06:18:17 · answer #4 · answered by daisyk 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sure everybody, he is so depressed over losing his job, that he has to go snowboarding with his friends to make him feel better.
What a jerk, jobless or not, all your relatives need to take the presents back where they got them from for a refund or take them to the homeless shelter!!!!
He counts on you being weak, i understand you love this loser! However, it is so time for you to put your foot down, if he has enough money to go snow boarding (sounds like something my therapist would suggest) he should have bought small presents for the people who support him during this mess. Where does he take the balls feeling so inferior, he must think he deserves all of this and has to return nothing. He should know everything comes with a price.
Please sit back and watch there needs to be a change i know you love him so take your time to decide when to dump him OK. You deserve so much better trust me.
2007-12-26 06:55:20 · answer #5 · answered by maria s 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some men don't think that they have to show you they love you.....that just saying it is enough. It sounds like you need to ask a question in return. When says "I know the average person would have dumped me by now" You ask "So are you asking me to be the average person?" You then have sparked concern in him! You need to sit him down and have a nice chat about being respectful of the people you love! I hope you and he can work it out.
Momma_Bear
2007-12-26 06:27:38 · answer #6 · answered by the_morris_bears 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a real winner you've got there. If he doesn't change, tell him you are leaving. You'd be better off on your own. Maybe the average person would have already dumped him by now and he DOES realize that. Tell him you are not average, you're better than average, so you gave him a longer time than most before you dumped him. Then do it!
2007-12-26 06:13:23 · answer #7 · answered by makeloans2 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would respond with " you aren't the Average person.. you are Below average" and you really need to get a job, start living up to the better or for worse part of the marriage vows or the worst is yet to come!!!
2007-12-26 06:36:27 · answer #8 · answered by Life*goes*on 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-11-25 01:53:23 · answer #9 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is just down on himself because he really does not have a fulltime job. You need to baby him a little perhaps and let him know all the reason you are with him and that a job does not make a man. It does, but it will make him feel better if you say it.
2007-12-26 06:17:12 · answer #10 · answered by Simply Lovely 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋