Marriage problem - please help!?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years. We have had a great marriage so far. I stay at home and take care of things around the house but I also had a small online job that I would make about $600/month or so. When we first got engaged, he knew I wanted to be a stay at home wife/mom but I was making the extra money at home just to help out a bit. Now, I am 4 months pregnant and suddenly my online job seems to be fading and Im down to making less than half of the money as I was doing before. I always paid for the groceries, and my own bills (small credit card bills, put gas in my car, ect.) and now Im getting worried that I will not be able to help out anymore. He makes decent money and he SAYS that I dont HAVE to work, but now he says that he always wanted me to work (even though he said otherwise in the begining). I feel like I am disappointing him. I am desperately looking for jobs now and Im very depressed about it. Its like all of a sudden now, hes not happy and I know why

So what should I do? I am trying to get a job, but Im also not feeling my best now that Im pregnant and Im worried I will not be able to get a job because of it. I do not want to disappoint my husband. He would never make me work, but I just know he wants it to be at least as good as it was when I was making $600/month. Im so hurt and confused.

I see some of you mentioned going to school or what not. I didnt mention it but I am very close to having my associates degree in education to teach preschool. I am also paying my tuition bill, which will also be on him with me not working. I cannot use this degree yet though because I do not have it yet and I have to pay off my financial obligations to the school before I get the actual degree. That is a whole other problem financially.

I got the degree just to have something to fall back on incase something were to happen to my husband or what not.

Answer 1

It sounds as though he is feeling the pressure of finances and is concerned about being able to take care of you and the baby on his salary.

It's good that you're still looking for a job and want to work. It gives you an outlet for your energy and a chance to help out with the finances.

Please sit down and tell him how you are feeling. It's better to get this out in the open. Remind him that he told you one thing before and now is saying something different and ask him to clear things up for you. Good luck!

Answer 2

I see three things- money, you and him.

Your share of the income is diminishing. These things happen. He makes good money so it's possible he could support both of you while you stay home. That's the objective part.

The subjective parts are you and your husband. Let's go with him first- before you got pregnant, he may have seen you as a mother and stay-at-home wife through "maybe, one day" kind of eyes. It's now for real. He may be facing an emotional crisis- responsibility, a sense of aging ("I used to be young and carefree, now I'm gonna have to be responsible and tied down.") These stresses find an outlet in wanting things the way they were.

You are going through some huge hormonal changes. The way you feel, the way you understand things depends on how your brain is working. And right now your brain is flooded in new hormones. Maybe what you're interpreting as his disappointment is merely your altered perception.

Since this is bothering in you, you should talk to your doctor. He/she can recommend a counselor for you, and maybe for the two of you. The counselor can deal with the one critical issue here- what he said/didn't say before contrasted with what he says now. This is a "he said/she said" thing, and can't really be resolved here. You need to resolve this with a counselor. A counselor can help you decide whether you should work or stay home.

Now for my opinion- I think it's not good to work while you have a very young child. But I think you will benefit from having a career of your own. Does it need to be a regular 40-hours-per-week, clock-punching job? No. But you need your own sense of worth that derives from your own income. With five months to go, this isn't a good time to begin. Wait until you're comfortable with getting day care. (This could be within a year or not until kindergarten- your call.) But once you get to that comfort point, find yourself something to do. If you don't, you'll always be economically dependent on your husband and this creates imbalance in the dynamics of your marriage. But that's another whole topic.

Be well .... -r

Answer 3

Girl, relax. Maybe at first, he thought you staying home was a great idea. Now, you have gotten use to the extra cash each month. Without it, you will feel a little pinch and I think that is what your husband would like to avoid. What you brought home made things even a little bit more comfortable. Now, with being pregnant, you won't be able to be at your job long enough before you have to go on maternity leave anyways and is that really fair to a new employer. Make a few cuts in spending around the house and stop stressing out. Remeber, even though you carry the babay, your husband had a big part in that baby getting there.

Answer 4

Ouch! That was not adult like of him when he married you. What I mean is that he was not truthful in his feelings on your job status, and he knew what he was signing up for when you two got married. Do not let him make you feel any less of a person. Even though you are not contributing significant money to the household, you still are contributing in other ways such as maintaining the house, grocery shopping, and all of the other things you do around the house while he is at work.

This is something that can be worked on, but you should work it through with a counselor. Good luck!

Answer 5

He could just be in shock at having a child to support soon and isn't sure how to make ends meet. I would keep looking for some part time work - maybe at a call center or something. Just be honest with employers and tell them that you are pregnant, and expect to take X amount of time off when the baby is born, but that you are looking for long term steady part time work.

Also, give him some space and let him sort things out in his head. Having a child is scarier for men (in my own opinion at least) and it can be easy to freak out over how to take care of them.

One thing you two can do together is to sit down with all of your bills and work out a budget - write out what bills, groceries, gas, etc. you are paying for each pay period - that way he can physically see that things are going to be okay - or that he needs to change is W4 tax number or 401K commitments, or that you need to earn X amount of money to make ends meet.
I had to do this with my husband when we got pregnant - that way he could physically see everything on paper - and it calmed him down significantly to see that we were going to financially be okay when the baby arrived.

Answer 6

Talk honestly to your husband on how you feel and that you don't want to disappoint him. At this point I would think more long term on a job and look into continuing your education or training for a different job. This way you have improved skilled for a better job.

If not that, you can always babysit from home to make extra money.

Good luck.

Answer 7

For $600.00 a month you probably wouldn't even have to work part-time. That's only $150.00 a week, I make that in about 4 hours. You could work a few hours in a fast food place, grocery store, video store or something and make that. What will you do if you and your husband ever split up? Do you really wanna be that dependent on someone?

Answer 8

I know how you feel but keep your chin up. If he agreed in the beginning that you would stay home and be a housewife its not fair that he change the rules now but if that is okay with you good. But don't you feel bad because you can't find a job fast enough to please him and don't ever be dissappointed in yourself because you can't please someone else. Maybe he needs to get a second job... After all your pregnant and those first few months ain't easy.

Answer 9

continue to look for a job online, and i am sure you will get one soon. if you don't, talk with your hubby and he will understand. i mean, he got into this knowing what you wanted to do with your life so he cant really fuss and fight with you about it now...that should have been done in the begining. also, you are pregnant and your hormones are all over the place so i am sure you are thinking more into this than he is, so calm down and take care of yourself.

Answer 10

He's most likely feeling the strain of making ends meet. Need to maybe work out something for the future. Good luck.