Follow-up to previous question: when a change in your appearance makes a dramatic change in how others...?

Question

respond to you and treat you, is this because of your appearance or because your "self-esteem" is better and you have more "confidence"?

That's a common explanation I've heard and I think it's rubbish, because I've always been very confident about my intellectual abilities and always be self-conscious about my appearance, but losing a lot of weight made a huge difference in how OTHERS perceived me. Women in particular have told me, "Oh, women aren't as shallow as men: they're responding to your greater confidence."

What do you think? Is your answer different for men or women?

Answer 1

I've been on both ends of the spectrum-unattractive and attractive.. But my self esteem and confidence definitely did not get any better.. In fact, it got worst when attractive (not because I was attractive, obviously, but because of other crap that was happening in my life).. But people, men and women, STILL treated me much better.

Life is just easier for attractive people, in general.

Not to say that self esteem and confidence don't help, though.. They do, but appearance is always what comes first (from my experience).

Answer 2

Think it's the same for men and women. Attractive people are more approachable. I had horrible self esteem problems when I was thin and preppy. Now I have very high self esteem just because I got over the anorexia thing. It's all about appearance. People say that about confidence so others don't feel like sh*t.

Answer 3

It's definitely how others perceive you that change. I don't want to and I try not to but I catch myself prejudging people all the time. It's the way society. There is the way things "should be" and the way things "should not be" and certain standards are automatically put into your head. For instance in your case I may have a prejudice against an average looking fat person by thinking things like how can you let yourself go and be so lazy, but not that same person 200 lbs later or in better proportion. This is all without ever talking to them. Then if you know a person who was fat and then lost all the weight you never stop telling them how good they look or different or skinny because it truly is amazing to see someone drop a ton of weight and look really different.

Answer 4

No. The first thing people see is the package, appearance.
A man may ignore a girl who is dumpy looking at 2:00 in the afternoon, but turn right around to look at her from behind, later that evening, when she's wearing a bright red silk dress that shows off her figure.
For women regarding men: The same man looks different in jeans and sweatshirt from how he looks in a pressed suit and tie.
I look for a nice face, first. A smile is a plus.
That is just looks, as well. I think we watch and listen to people who have attracted us and the additional information helps us to decide if we like them more or like them less based on our own unique criteria. Only, at this point does self confidence come into play.
Looks are the hook. Personality is the rod and the reel.
C. :)!!

Answer 5

I think you have, in part, answered your own question. You said you were always self-conscious about your appearance. Perhaps, losing weight has had a dual effect .........it has improved how you view yourself and that is the trigger for others viewing you differently. People tend to be able to work out how much a person values self............if your esteem or confidence is low people will tend to treat you accordingly. The theory is.......if you are self conscious or have low self esteem you must have a reason to feel that way..........so, others will pick up on that and treat you as you appear to wish to be treated.

Answer 6

The truth is people are visual. I basically dress in the dark and really don't care. My family has a word or two to say about this.
To answer your question: most, not all, people get confidence through external influences. People always feel better about themselves when they receive a compliment. Look, why do we even bother to make an effort to impress someone. When you go for an interview (for a job, for ex), shouldn't we be judged on our abilities. In theory yes, but our clothes and hair are looked at. They are a MAJOR factor!
Personally, just because someone calls you beautiful doesn't make you that. It really come from one's own perspective...just like confidence. Because confidence is only worth having when no one is really there to support you, right?

Answer 7

I don't know GNU, I had a really good friend up north who was by all standards a big girl. She used to be my boss, was younger than me, and get this - when a manager harassed me at work she's the one who decided to take it to the owner... She told me - "C, you dress like a nun (and I did)... this guy has no right to do this to you." And she was right. In fact she used to dress quite provocatively, tattoos, tongue piercings and all. But I liked Anne because she was smart and she taught me a lot. After she became unemployed and declared bankruptcy, I helped her out a lot. We used to meet every Saturday and go to this Chinese buffet (my treat). The owner knew me, as I used to take my students there often. But I saw how other people looked at her and gave her dirty looks sometimes. I returned those back where they came from.... She was a confidant woman, and in spite of the weight she was always dressed impeccable (Prada shoes and purses, and so on - she was a label girl). Anyhow, I never really cared either way if someone is fat or skinny. But from the looks Anne got, I can tell other men and women did.

EDIT - I just saw the last part of your q, and to answer that - no. I now have a Colombian friend, Mike, who is fat. In fact his nick name is "el gordo" - the fat one - his brothers gave him that. I went out with Mike a zillion times - restaurants, dancing and his weight never got in my way.... Fat for Latins is just a word that describes someone's physical appearance- not sure if you know but on the Spanish channel they have a show called "El gordo y la flaca", the fat man and the skinny woman... but in no way does it stop us from making friends or dating big people. The US is really hung up on this issue, it seems to me. If you're too big, it's a problem, if you're too skinny (Keira Knightly) it's also a problem. I wonder, don't people have anything else to worry about?.... I guess not. It's like the freaking borg, we all have to look the same. Communism was a lie compared to this attitude....

Answer 8

both men and women are shallow and in a woman saying that they're responding to your greater confidence, if they are truly your friend they mean well but others in general are just a little envious that they haven't had enough self-confidence and courage to do something different, new, or fun for themselves. In a way they envy and live through you and your "new" attitude or imagined new persona.

Answer 9

Well, self-confidence shows in your face, no matter how nice looking you are (or aren’t). However, people will pre-judge you based on your looks because that’s the first thing they have to go with – what you look like.

So, it’s a little of both. There’s nothing like losing a little weight, getting rid of thick glasses or whatever to boost your looks AND your self-confidence.

Answer 10

i have never undergone a serious change in appearance, but i always look at the way women treat attractive guys and even guys my age who just look "cuter" and more boyish. there is a big difference. when you are one of those guys, girls will seem very friendly and always want to start conversations and are eager to meet you, but when you are a guy like me who is unattractive, girls just mind their own business and don't want to be bothered. and when it comes to flirting, when one of those guys flirts with a girl, the girl takes it as a compliment and if she's lacking in confidence or if she's an older woman, she will find it VERY flattering. but when it's someone like me, she's always thinking "he just wants sex" or "hmmm this guy might be up to something" or maybe just "ewww gross".

and no it has nothing to do with "self-esteem". people are just shallow. the only people who aren't so shallow are people like me who have learned the hard way.