very serious question?

Question

I ask, only intelligent answers.

I am in Iraq, a soldier.

been married for 2 years and adopted her child that is 3. The child only knows me as her father.

Well, My wifes ex that she dated about 3 years before I has always been a friend of my wife. i have met him and of course seemed very respectful. I know how all men are though.

One night while I have deployed (8 months ago) she was drunk and she said he took advantage. NOW she does not deny that she was drunk and horny, so by no means is this rape or anything like this. Well, she is pregnant now, and for months she has begged for me to forgive her. For the last 8 months I just told her we will see how things work out and she must stop talking to him altogther. She has done this to my knowledge.

SERIOUS replies

Do you think I should divorce her or forgive her?

Answer 1

No one can answer this question but yourself.
As someone who has been brutally hit by infidelity, all I can tell you is that it takes much more than just forgiveness to get past this. Is your love worth dealing with all the pain of this?
You have to sit down and have a long discussion with yourself. Figure out what you are willing to put up with, from her and from yourself. There is now 2 children involved, but you can love them without being in a relationship with the mother.
I suggest a website that has helped me a lot, www.survivinginfidelity.com

PS-thank you for serving, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Answer 2

You do have a big heart to begin with to even raise someone elses child so kudos for that. I dont think that you should give her a chance at all. Im sorry to say this because Im a true believer of making things work out especially if you love the other person. But what she has done is wrong despite the drunk factor. You are over in Iraq in grave danger and she is back in the states getting drunk and have un protected sex and then is now pregnant. Question to yourslf can you live with the fact of her infidelity staring you in the face calling you daddy? Can you live with the fact that she was unfaithful to you during a time you need her support the most? Final question can you live with the idea that everytime you get deployed or separated from you family due to military reasons wondering if she is home with another man? Its all too much stress for a soldier and not a very good situation to be in. Hope all works out for the best for you!
And Thank you for being a soldier!!!!

Answer 3

Try putting yourself in her shoes for a bit. She is pregnant by a guy she had already rejected in favour of you. It was a mistake when she was drunk. She loves you (but apparently not enough to be faithful) and if you leave she will have to struggle to bring up two children on her own. Most women would beg forgiveness out of self preservasion. Be careful that she is planning to grow old with you and that she isn't just thinking of until her children are fully grown. You do sound like a better bet than the father of her pregnancy, I am guessing that he isn't a long term option. If he was a good bet also, you would be seeing a clearer picture. I mean, if she could choose between the two of you, and chose you over him. She is faced with being supported by you or having no support isn't she?
What you have to decide is whether you can bring up two children that are not yours and whether you will be resentful about the cost of their shoes etc. On a practical level, if you require maintenance to help with costs then those children daddy/s need to have access rights. And what will you tell the children?
I have heard of it being done before. 2nd world war babies being happily brought up by returning husbands with no knowledge of it until they were fully grown. Honestly some would say they had Dad's as good as any biological dad in spite of the betrayal.
Your wife sounds like the sort of woman who needs you close beside her and a lot of personal loving attention. If you can hope to give her that in the future then you may be able to recover from this. If you are going to be away again for long periods then I would say you may be looking at a third baby that's not yours in the future, sorry.

Answer 4

I am the wife of a current marine in Iraq. Just a heads up, mind you. Can you forgive? Can you forgive and go on, or are you going to see this man rutting on your wife for the rest of your life? You were wronged, but think about what you can do, and then what she deserves. Do you love her? I know it is rude to answer a question with a question, but it really comes down to what you can live with. A lot of men would not be able to live with a woman that cheated and got knocked up. Some men would forgive and embrace it. Good luck and thankyou for all you've done.

Answer 5

Alright, do you love your wife? Do you want to make it work? If you answered yes... then you should forgive her. Sounds like she was up front with you, told you what happened... sounds to me like she is seriously needing forgivness. She apparently loves you or else she wouldn't be asking for you to stay. She made a mistake. Is this the first time? If it is... we are all human. We all make mistakes. I'm not trying to justify her actions because she was very wrong. She should have never put herself into that position. She shouldn't be drinking with ex and being alone with him. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or that she now whats to be with him. If you believe that she is truly sorry from the bottom of her heart and would do anything to get your trust back, then maybe you should give her a second chance. If its not the first time, then she probably wont ever change. Listen to your heart. You mind may be telling you to leave because you don't want to get hurt again. But people do change... and it sounds to me like she really wants to change. Only stay with her if you feel that she has potential to be a good woman to you. Also, if you stay, you need to only move forward. Don't look back. You will never ever forget... espeically because she is pregnant... but you will learn to put it aside and the relationship can learn and grow from it. Good luck

Answer 6

This is completely your call. If you can forgive her, then by all means do so. If you cannot (and no one would blame you), then that is your choice too. You obviously are a wonderful guy and it appears to me that you'd deserve more. But you do have your daughter (adopted) to think of. And you need to ask yourself some very important questions such as Can you forgive her; Do you want to possibly raise this child as your own also; If you divorce her, what role will you play to your adopted daughter and/or this other child? If you say, what role with this ex play? He should never have been coming around in the first place too. And he shouldn't be allowed to hang out anymore. Other than to take care of his child. I feel bad for you, this is going to require a lot of thought. But you'll make the right decision for you. Good luck honey!

Answer 7

would she have told you if she didn't get pregnant???
now that you know she is a liar (all cheaters are) are, you sure it was just one drunken night????
is she just saying that to cover up a long term affair in which she was dumb enough to allow a pregnancy.
you are risking you skin overseas, everyday is a risk, so she can gallavant around, getting drunk (who was watching the kids when that happened)
you must feel as lonely and desperate as she does when alone. yeah she has to worry about you and be alone and tell your kids (the ones you chose to be a father to) that daddy will be okay and cross her fingers. that is no excuse. you have to worry about every step you take who looks at you or is even with in a few hundred yards of you.
take the emotions out of it, nearly impossible, it would be so easy to just go back and pretened to forget and forgive with the amount of stress you are under, "i just want everthing to be okay" or when you get back "i just want everything to be back to normal" this baby will be different then the others they came first then you and you fell in love with them, or why else did you adopt them, this baby came second but not by you but by someone else, because her selfish but couldn't wait for you to come home, reread emails or letters you sent for comfort she took it from some one else.....she is a trader and should not be trusted.
right now make plans for both senarios...
return home to be with your family.....
return home to retrive your belongings, and getting a good lawyer to help you get as much possible custody of your children as possible.
or if you may want to forgive her (for the sake of the kids) but not immidiatly, to leave try counsling (maratil) and work as co parents for a while, and when your ready date. (i know that i said two possibilities, this one may just confuse you children too much.
no matter what you decide, never speak ill of her to/ or in front of your children, mom did somthing that made you leave, but she is still there mom and loving her freely is their right. also don't let anyone speak ill of her to them (same rule should apply to her)
and don't blame the baby, whether or not stay with her it is not the babys fault, make your desicion not on the child but her infidelity. if you leave don't let the children blame the baby either, that baby didn't have any choice in the matter.


sorry but spell check wouldn't work.

Answer 8

You have every right to divorce her. What she did was very disrespectful and not to make things as hot as they already are, she played you. I personally on the facts you gave us I would let her go. You fought for our country and I am truly honored that you will have an hear for advice. Start over it sucks living with a wife that cheated on you its wrong what she did. People make mistakes but that was deliberate. There have been men that have lost it man in a crime of passion and either punished the woman or both. Sounds like you kept your head together and didn't get violent. Dude my advice once again start over you deserve the best and no less. Thanks for serving our country. Ex Vet.

Answer 9

Are you together now, or still deployed? A couple of things jump out at me. First off, she needs to stop ALL contact with this guy, and it HAS to be your knowledge. (If this is her child's father, it will not be easy). Then, the 2 of you need to go to counseling, ASAP. If your counselor does not suggest it, you need to talk to the counselor about a thing called "Total Honesty." You need to get on that program with your wife. You have a long row to hoe, but it is not impossible. Good luck.
PS- Thank you for your sacrifice. As this question indicates, sometimes these sacrifices go much deeper than the military commitment.

Answer 10

As horrible as it will be, you'll probably have to wait bub. You really can't decide while you are not in this "world"....you are in that "world" right now and won't see clearly. Believe me...I know.
Until then, dress your mind for a battle of emotion and still be the father for the young one that is involved. You are, after all, a hero to the child.
On a side note.....what you are doing now is for the good of all, and you need to put most of the focus on getting through each day so that the next comes. You guys and gals are some of the bravest people in our nation...and we owe you great thanks.
I hope that you will be able to forgive her and move on. I like good endings, but even if you decide to move on, know that hearts heal and you'll be blessed.