Is a vow a vow or are there deal-breakers?

Question

I had my husband arrested last night after he slapped my daughter so hard in the face he left welts. He's never slapped her or anyone else before, but once was enough for me. I'm done with him. I'm getting a divorce.

But everyone seems to think I "jumped the gun" and should have just talked to him about it before calling the cops and "tearing up the family."

I don't know what to think.

She's his daughter too. He at first lied and said her little sister did it but when it got more obvious that it was a large handprint and not scratch marks he confessed he hit her because she wouldn't take a nap. I was out returning a movie for my sister at the time.
Later on in the night, one of his friends that I hardly know called and asked if he still wanted to buy part of a "fifty." I don't know what a "fifty" is, but I've been told it's local slang for crack.

She's 4 years old

Answer 1

Very complicated question.
I know that you do have standards.
I know that your Child is first.

A vow is supposed to be a vow.

What if you got a divorce? The court will decide when and where your daughter lives.

You will not be able to protect her any longer if she is not with you on visitation with her father.

Work on the marriage and keep her in your sight at all times.

Do not give him the opportunity to have her alone through a divorce.

Answer 2

Hmmm...on the surface, I tend to agree that this is a deal breaker and the correct moves were made. But, I think there is more to this story. If "everyone" says you jumped the gun, I think they might know more than the people who are reading this board. How old is the daughter? Why did he slap her? Is she 22 years old and was pointing a gun at him? In which case he slapped her silly rather than defending himself, in a manner he could have? Is she 4 years old and dropped a soda on the carpet? Good luck.

Add on- With your additional info, there obviously is a little more here. Drugs? Lying? No man should hit a 4 year old girl. She was obviously 'in his way,' for some reason. And whatever she was in his way for, he didn't want her to see/know, which is why she needed to be napping. And probably why he was doing it while you were out of the house. The problem with that is, kids ARE in the way. You should know that before you have them. He is teaching that little girl a lifestyle that she needs no part of. I think you did the right thing, all things being told. And I think you need to continue to do the right thing. Keep these kids away from this man, and he needs professional help.

Answer 3

How long have you been married, and is this daughter of yours his natural child or a stepdaughter?

If you have been togehter a long time, and if this daughter is his also, and if as you say he has never displayed this type of behavior before, I would say that you are jumping the gun.

If I were you I would want to find out why this happened - what has changed with him? Is he under a lot of stress right now? Lost his job, lost someone in his family - a parent or uncle or aunt or a cousin perhaps? Has he taken a beating in the stock market? There are many stressful things that can make people act differently than their normal self.

So I would investigate before pulling the plug. There may be some partially mitigating circumstances (not that physical violence is ever "OK").

If there is some possible cause for this change I would talk it over and if you do decide to stay with him it should be on the condition that he never repeat this - tell him to go punch a pillow if he gets angry.

Answer 4

I'm going to start by playing the advocate on his side for a sec....what did your daughter do to deserve a slap??? Is she his daughter?? I will admit that hitting a child hard enough to leave bruises of any kind is harsh but sometimes, a good slap in the face might wake up a child from doing something that may save their life later on.

Now, if your husband just lost his temper in a rage over something stupid, then drop his tail like tomorrow isn't coming! You do have a duty to protect your child and yourself.

I wonder whether the he meant her any true harm after the slap. If he was continually forceful afterwards and came after her and you, arresting him was the right thing to do. If he was in complete control, you may have jumped the gun. Whether your daughter is yours or both of yours, she still needs discipline, maybe not a slap leaving damage, but discipline that is agreed upon by both of u. She should know that she can't drive a wedge between you and your husband.

Think of it this way, if it happened this time, it may happen again. You will be alone until she is gone because another parent will not be able to discipline her. However, you will be asking the other parent to provide support for her in the household.

I am not judging. Just offering another point of view and hoping that it comes off gently instead of harshly.

Good luck and do what is best for you, your family and your marriage. If it has been a good marriage, don't throw it away just yet. Weigh all the aspects of the situation first!!

Answer 5

This is the first time but how long are you together and what were the circumstances that led up to this. Although striking a child hard enough to leave welts is very wrong, the situation may need a little re-examination especially if this is th only time he has done this after several years. If it happens again though I would hit the highway before the abuse gets worse. If it has on been a few month on the other hand, he may just now be showing his true self, in which case you did the right thing. One more note: I is considered OK although not recommended under the law to spank a child on the behind as a last resort punishment, but only on the butt and only as a last resort. personally it sounds like he needs an attitude adjustment.

Answer 6

tough one... for better or worse... that's the vow... (this does not include any form of cheating... forsaking all others was the vow, divorce is definitely ok for any form of cheating!)

parenting is a major issue, some think a child should be slapped, depending on what they did, perhaps they called someone a swear word? what exactly happened? was the child disrespectful?

some, deserve a big slap... breaking an arm, now, that's another story...

some people, on the other hand, are gentle... and believe one should never resort to slapping... they were abused as kids and don't want any form of abuse in their lives... especially if they have children!

basically, these are things that need discussed before marrying someone, and you should always agree on punishment...

some who were abused as children will automatically put their spouse in jail for slapping...

what is jumping the gun is a deal breaker for others...

I guess, basically, it's your call... if you firmly believe he will do worse later on, keep his butt in jail... good luck to you! =)

some children are gentle and would never deserve a slap like that... so that's your call as well, I was not there, but, all of this is what I can tell you...

I suggest you both go to counseling, so you both open up about your true honest feelings about discipline, child rearing, and what abuse is... then decide if divorce is necessary after that...

perhaps he should be in jail, but, is divorce really necessary?

just because some laws say to never strike a child does not mean they are right passing those laws...

some children should be slapped... some, don't deserve it...

like another asked before me, is this his child too? then you have a problem...

Answer 7

No man should hit the women in their life .. or any woman, ever.

Think of this ... "what-if" next time, he really hurt her .. maybe even to the point of no return - which often happens in home disputes .. and you would be thinking ... "if only I had not given him that second chance".

Then .. on the other hand ... is your daughter a little girl ? ... this age would make a big difference ? Or .. is your daughter grown up ?

Everyone makes mistakes which are totally out-of-character for them. Sometimes those mistakes even surprises the person -- and makes the person so ashamed of themselves. And ... the person may have done it when pushed past the brim of reasoning.

Don't get me wrong ... in NO WAY do I believe in a man hitting a woman ... and .. he would not have been arrested if he was not guilty of assault .. and I definitely am not taking up for him at all. If one hit my daughter - I would be awful to contend with.

I guess what I am getting to ... is that the circumstances are not included here ... in order to tell you if you jumped the gun, I would need to know what happened ... why did her slap her? .. is she just a child? .. or is your daughter grown - and maybe pushed his buttons past the point of reasoning? ... or did she do nothing at all? ... just what happened - besides he slapped her? ... what is up with this slap ?

The circumstances matter.

Is your husband, the father of your daughter? ... if not, how long have you lived with your husband ... like .. if you have lived with him for many, many, years ... and he has not been in the habit of slapping anyone -- then something may have pushed him severely to make him do this ... and of course - WHY did he do it ... what is the age of your daughter?

What is up ... what happened .. and why? .. and the ages, length of marriage, etc.

Answer 8

Please make sure that you have a safety plan, whether you pursue a divorce or not, since your husband has been violent. http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/SafetyPlan_130.html

Remember, abuse escalates over time. I think you need to trust your instincts. If you truly believed that this was the first and last time physical violence would be an issue, you probably would have talked it out, wouldn't you? I think your first reaction--to have him arrested--tells you everything you need to know about the seriousness of the situation.

Physical abuse usually follows emotional and verbal abuse. Only you know what you and your daughter have been going through, and YOU are responsible for your daughter's safety and well-being--not "everyone else". As far as "tearing up the family": it sounds like you are the only true family your daughter has or needs at this point. Kudos for putting her first.

You can contact a women's shelter in your area, they will most likely have someone who can talk with you anonymously about your situation, and help you sort things out.

Answer 9

This is a very tough subject to brooch. There are many questions I’d need to have answered before I could really answer your question. Such as: Has he shown this type of behavior before? Have you both or he been under a lot of stress? What lead up to the incident? Have you had personal experience in dealing with this kind of violent behavior? Does he have a medical condition? Was anything abnormal in the environment? These questions could go on and on. But here’s the thing. Did you act in a way that you would want someone to act towards you?

Answer 10

yes, deal breakers are alcoholism/drug addiction, adultery and physical abuse. Most religions consider these major violations of the marriage vow.

Is your daughter not your husband's child? Then this is worrisome even more so than if he was her father. Statistically boyfriends and second husbands abuse children who are not theirs more often than men abuse their own children. What were the circumstances of the slap? Was he lashing out in anger? Did she need to be punished but he has no idea how to punish a child?

You were in the moment, you know whether or not your daughter is safe around him (how does he treat her normally?). If your mother's instinct tells you that you protected the child and he is not a safe person for her to be around, then you are not "tearing the family apart", it is already torn, you are just preserving the part that isn't broken.

Good Luck to you.