Husband said this to me on Christmas night?

Question

So last night, Christmas, my husband didn't buy me any gift at all first off. He hardly talked to me at the family get together and then took off in the evening. He didn't come home until after midnight. I was in bed and I came out when I heard a noise. He said "Get the "F" back into bed *****". "You are the last person I want to see." I was like ????. He proceeded to say "I could have done a lot better than you." Now a little history. He is a drunk and I suspect him of drug abuse and possible cheating. He is never home, EVER. NOt even Christmas eve or day for petes sake for his child! I am getting depressed. That comment though..who would say that on Christmas? What would you recommend I say to him next? I am on my way to work now and he has left without uttering a word to me again. Should I call him at work and say WTF did you mean by that? Should I wait until he comes home..he might be drunk again though! I am serious about this story. I needed some input from others. Thanks...

Answer 1

Living with an alcoholic
Living with an alcoholic is very difficult - but you are not alone. Latest research shows that there are at least 900,000 people under the age of eighteen in the UK, living in a home where one or both parents or carers have a problem with alcohol.

70% of these children will try to hide the problem from the outside world, as they are usually frightened, with no one to turn to for help and support. Some of them feel responsible for their parents or carers drinking - they think that they are the problem; that they are responsible for the arguments, violence, stress and anxiety that typify family homes where a parent or carer drinks too much.

If you think someone in your family drinks too much, take a look at the ideas below. Even if you don't have this problem at home, you may know a friend whose family has a problem with alcohol and they may need someone to talk to. Let them know that you care and they are not alone:

Don't feel guilty or ashamed about the person who is an alcoholic - they just need help. Alcoholism is a disease and diseases are nobody's fault.
Don't try to convince your parent or carer to stop drinking or argue with them when they are drunk. They are not thinking clearly and won't be taking in what you say. Speak to them when they are sober.
Don't pour away your parent or carer's alcohol. You have no control over someone else's drinking. It is up to them to get treatment.
What your parent or carer does is not your responsibility or fault. Talk about your feelings with a friend, relative or teacher, who will usually help. There are helplines such as National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACOA) which is free to phone on 0800 358 3456.

Talking to someone about your feelings can help you feel less alone and that person might be able to help you.

Get involved in doing fun things at school or near where you live. Doing outside activities can help you forget about the problems at home for a while and can help you feel better about yourself.

Remember that your thoughts and feelings are normal. It's OK to hate the problem of alcoholism and love the person who is drinking - both at the same time.
Who can help
NACOA (the National Association for Children of Alcoholics) has a free and confidential helpline to give support and advice to children and young people living in the care of alcoholics. Visit www.nacoa.org.uk/ for more information.

Alateen aims to help people understand the disease of alcoholism, and help limit the impact it has on the lives of people living with alcoholics. Visit www.hexnet.co.uk/alanon/alateen.html for more information.

Alcoholics Anonymous can help people that have become dependant on alcohol. Visit their site at www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/.

You can speak to a Personal Adviser at your local Connexions Centre. To find your local centre click on the Local Services icon in the footer of the homepage or check out your local phone book.

You can contact a Connexions Direct Adviser by phone on 080 800 13 2 19, by text on 07766 4 13 2 19, by textphone 08000 968 336, by adviser online or by email.

Answer 2

First the benefit of the doubt - Your question didn't indicate there was severe money problems that would prevent him from buying a gift. (or that he shops on line and your diamond necklace is lost on a UPS truck somewhere).

The kind person who would say this is probably either emotionally abusive and/or mentally ill. He enjoys hurting you and calling him at work or being upset when he gets home just gives him the power to harm you.

Personally, I would begin to set limits by not allowing his behavior to destroy my peace or that of my child. If you suspect him of drinking and drug abuse, both lower his inhibitions and he may progress to physical violence if he hawn't already done so. Cheating means he can bring home diseases that can kill you, and if he is drunk/high he probably is not being safe about it.

Longer term, you need to decide if you want to stay in this situation. If so you may need an intervention to cause him to face up to his behavior. If not, then you need to begin planning how to get away safely with the least amount of intermittent tension possible, and protect you and your child in the meantime. You are the mom and you have a precious little one depending on you to help him or her grow up healthy and happy.

In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, noone can make you feel inferior without your permission.

If he truly believes he could do better than you, give him the belated Christmas gift of the freedom to find someone else.

Answer 3

First of all, I don't recommend speaking to him until he is sober. It won't be productive and depending on his patterns, could become abusive. You know him better than anyone so your judgement is more important than what any of us can tell you... However, I think the first thing you should do is sit with yourself and decide what you want and need and what is best for you and your child. It sounds like this has been a developing pattern for some time, but if so, I wonder why you seem shocked that he said what he said on Christmas. A person who is drunk and unhappy with his family life doesn't necessarily take note of when they say certain things. They just say things... In any case, you seem like you want to confront him but I recommend being careful as it could become abusive to provoke that if he is drunk. If you know what you want, then go with it but be strategic about how you do it. People with alcohol and drug problems can do funny things sometimes. Perhaps you should discuss your situation with a professional. Good luck.

Answer 4

Really and truly.... it depends on you. You can get input, but it all depends on how strong a person you are. Are you a person who needs someone, or have you had enough (really) and made up your mind that you and your child don't need this in your life?

It depends upon you and you alone.

I've 2 boys, now 18 and 21. I left an abusive relationship with their father when my yongest was 4 months old, and never looked back. But I had left him one time before that, and went back. I really wasn't ready even though I knew what was going on BESIDES the abuse.

I stayed single for 13 years, dating a few times. I worked 2 jobs and raised my boys.

5 years ago I settled down with an ol farmboy, 5 years older than me. I thought finally !! Someone who's honest, simple in life, views life the same as I do , has the same ideas and goals. We bought a new doublewide last Dec. 06... moved in the 30th. In that one years time, this ol gal had to toughen up again. I over looked things, why? Because I really love him. But he was messing around. And other things going on too. But finally I had enough.

That's what I'm saying to you. It doesn't matter what anyone tells you on their view point, it really all boils down to what you want to do. What you make your mind up of how much enough is enough.

I'm sorry your having to go through this. All I can say is I wish you all the strength you need, and good luck.

Answer 5

It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself and take control of your life. If your husband is a "drunk" in your own words along with the possibilities of other issues, I am not sure why you are still continuing the marriage. You sound a little scared when you ask what you should say to him about his rude remarks. The issues seem to run a little deeper than just his nastiness. I am only being honest here when I say that you need to take control of your life because when you think about it, his life is out of control. Your depression will increase as his downward spiral continues unless you decide to make changes now. You could start by demanding that he gets some professional help for his dependency's. To be honest, he will have to want the help before it will actually work. If he is faced with the possibility of loosing his family, he may Wise up. I think you need to do a little soul searching for yourself and decide what kind of relationship you are worthy of. What ever you decide, you have a tough road ahead but try to be strong and remember that you and your children deserve a safe, happy environment. Think of yourself for once and follow through with your decisions. Best of luck to you!!

Answer 6

I would STRONGLY suggest you seek counseling for yourself.

Secondly, leave. You don't have to divorce, just legally separate yourself from this destructive behavior. Having your child be witness to this behavior borders on abuse and neglect. It is your job to protect your child, even if it is at the cost of having a relationship with their father until he can get his life in order.

Tell him you will only return when he has been sober for a full year, gets counseling for a full year and treats you with the respect you deserve during your separation for a full year. After that, if you feel that he's changed enough to be safe to enter the home again, then you can do so. If you don't feel that anything has changed, then start divorce proceedings.

What he is doing is abusive, whether he's on drugs/alcohol or stone cold sober! Nobody deserves to be treated that way and it certainly wasn't what God intended for marriage.

Answer 7

You must love each other or else you wouldn't have got married. Wait until he has calmed down & sit him down & ask him what he wants. Tell him you will support him in any way as long as he is willing to make an effort to face his problems. If he will listen to you there might be a chance of saving your marriage and getting him the help he so obviously needs to overcome his alcohol & substance abuse. If he won't listen to you, warn him that he is going to lose you & then he will find out he couldn't do any better than you. He is showing some sense of responsibility by going out to work so there is a glimmer of hope that he might discuss this properly as long as you don't go in there with all guns blazing.
If he won't listen to you even after you have warned him, you don't have much of a choice but to leave him for the sake of your own mental health & for the sake of your child.
As for the comment, a drunk would say that on Christmas day, you of all people know that unfortunately.

Answer 8

How is how he treated you on Christmas any different than how he treats you on any other day of the year? You admit that he's an alcoholic and possible drug addict. You aren't dealing with him, you are dealing with his addiction. You could have told him that you could do a lot better than him when he made his nasty little comment, but I would be concerned that he may become physically violent in his already inebriated and agitated state.

Don't escalate this argument with him. It's past time for you to see a lawyer and get out of this relationship.

If you are a religious person almost ALL religions consider adultery, abuse and addictions as breaking the wedding vows and permit divorce in these cases. Sounds like you meet at least one of the cases, so you don't have to worry about religion keeping you in a marriage that is unhealthy.

If you are ready to leave and have concerns about your safety, then contact a local women's center about how to leave a bad situation safely.

If you decide you are going to stay for the time being, then join Al-Anon to get a better handle on living and caring about someone with alcohol or drug addictions.

Good Luck to you.

Answer 9

Why would you still be married?!?!?! Get divorced, learn your lesson and never get married again. Possible cheating?!?!? Why are women like you never sure?!?!? Of course he is cheating. Here are the facts of life you obviously haven't learned yet:

1. There is no Santa
2. There might be a Bigfoot
3. All men cheat, almost all women cheat
4. Marriage ruins all relationships (moving in is the same)
5. Everyone lies (you even lie to yourself)
6. Life is not fair

Good luck and Happy Holidays. Email me
if you want to hear the truth. I don't lie.

Answer 10

I can relate to what you are saying. I was your husband. One day I finally snapped and even hit my wife, and went to jail. I had a very bad drinking problem, I was on a breathalizer for the second drunk driving when I came home very drunk again and proceeded to do the same thing all over again. Since then I was locked up and had to dry out, the courts had given me every chance to do it on my own but you can see where that was going. I am currently going to school now to become a psychologist in substance abuse. I have plenty of experiance in the substance and abuse part. Time for a change. It sounds like alcohol is a major part of his life, as was mine, we can't live without it, we feel as we can't even function without it, plus it's just plain not healthy. From sun up to sun down I drank. I could not function with out it. I was very mean, self centered, I had all the people in the world telling me that I needed to change, you can't tell a drunk that though, we believe that everyone else has to change. WRONG, drinking is a problem, and if your husband is like I was, changing him will be virtually impossible. The buzz from the alcohol, I found was just filling a bunch of voids or the holding in of probems and stress. Buzzed, then they were not problems anymore. Trying to tell a drunk he needs help can be very mistaken, from his point of view he will just look at you as you are just another problem that he needs to drink over, but don't give up, people had to ride me hard to get me to AA and even Church, it irratated me so much, but as of today those people are the stars in my life, they never gave up on me, and soon the alcohol was replaced by the feeling of, hey I am not on my own anymore and these so called problems are really not even that bad anymore. I am not saying you are not there for your husband but I promise you the drinkig needs to be cut down if not cut out. When I quit drinking my friends quit me, that will make a person feel a little weird, he just has to know he is not alone. AA is awesome, there he will see all the people with the same problem he has and that does make it so much easier. He's not the first person with this problem, he needs to know. The first meeting is the hardest from there it is a walk in the park, they make you feel so welcomed and act as fighters for the same problem. A alcoholic is very delicet, and remember it takes time and patience, but there comes a time for change, when the change is for the good. For whatever you put into it to change him, and he changes, trust me you will get twice the reward.

Answer 11

Sweety I feel so much for you, I can think of little more that hurts as much as being ill treated by those you love. You can't change him, nor can you deal with his issues for him. You need to move on, (i have personal experience here). Don't get to a point where you don't know what to do.
You need a partner you can turn to for advice and love and that wont have you running to a virtual world to get the support you need from him.
As far as what to say to him next,
"There is enough in the bank to get you through the week, I'm leaving and my attorney is a shark"
Good luck Bella the world is a better place