The color was perfect. Dark blue at one end, and an orangey-pink at the other. It was like the sun was trying to take all the color in the world with it, and leaving a mystery of dark shades. I personally love the night. All those secrets, just waiting to be revealed. Or hiding, trying to escape all the nosy people of the world.
I took a picture. The snap of my camera filling the noisy silence. Up here, on top of my mother's apartment building, everything seemed unreal. The beeps and the shrieks of the cars below barely registered in my mind. So the camera's snap! startled me. I looked down at my watch. 7:30. Almost time for dinner. With a sigh, I turned to walk to the door that lead downstairs.
Ever since last June, our elevator stopped working. So anytime I want alone time, I have to walk 6 flights of stairs. At first I thought it was an enormous pain in the butt, but then I got to the point where I almost enjoyed the solitary walk up and down the stairs. Mom hates leaving the apartment because she has to walk down two sets of stairs. Which isn't all that hard, but when she does leave, she normally brings something back. It's really hard on her.
I walked slowly up down the stairs. The walking soothing my raging emotions. Earlier today, my dad called. He probably thought he was doing me a big favor. Uh, no. I don't think so. When he called he kept on correcting me and telling me how to improve myself. I ended up spending more than half the day up on the roof top. Sometimes he makes me so... ashamed. But as I headed down the stairs, I stuffed every thought of him to the back of my brain.
I took the keys out of my back-pocket, and unlocked our door. "Mom? I'm back. Would you like any help with dinner?" I walked slowly into the room. The place was a mess. Our family pictures off the wall. The cushions, slashed down the middle and thrown everywhere. Lamps that were still on, were laying on the ground. I ran into the kitchen
2007-12-25 19:34:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Nice job. Tough to edit in this forum as you lose all structure...
Lots of intense imagery and some really excellent turns of phrase "like the sun was trying to take all the color of the world with it..." for example.
Definitely leaves you wanting more as well as establishing the tone of the narrator's relationship with Mom & Dad too - with a wee bit of mystery at the end. Burglary? Mom flipped out? Someone searching for something? Police raid? You want to read ahead and find out.
Please continue.
Orion
2007-12-25 23:35:35 · answer #1 · answered by Orion 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have raw creative talent and the fact that you are 15 and love to write gives me hope for the youth of the day. It does read a bit disjointed, but just work on your flow. I was not a great writer as a young person but I worked hard at it and it has paid off. Most of my students can't even put together proper sentences, so keep up the good work and work hard! Take Care and good luck to you!
2007-12-25 20:02:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i liked it because it let me feel the emotion you were feeling. The only thing that i didn't like about it was the structure. Maybe you could break up the stanzas to change the flow of the poem? Also, the words you chose are very typical of angst ridden teenagers, so it would be really cool if you could scour the dictionary to find that one word that really hits the spot and says everything you want to say----and stick that word into your poem. Well, don't actually stick it in there, but rather place it gently and thoughtfully. Word choice and connotation make the world of a difference.
2016-05-26 06:35:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had a hard time enjoying the story because your sentence structure is terrible. Many of your sentences are incomplete, lacking verbs completely.
If you want to be a writer, you must be not only creative, but technically skilled. Your work here is creative, but no editor or publisher would get past the first paragraph before rejecting it because of the rampant grammatical errors.
richardstill2006@yahoo.com
2007-12-26 02:21:36 · answer #4 · answered by Rich 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Its good......
and you have that talent to write....you have that ability to bring beautiful imageries through out the narration...
and you have that ability, as I pointed out in your poem, to frame beautiful expressions....here is one " leaving a mystery of dark shades " Its really striking to the peak...
and a small piece of advice....
you wrote this ' it was an enormous pain in the butt ' right? It was, i know, a sincere and innocent expression...but please avoid it.....ok? because, it may offend some readers...instead you can use something like 'it was enormous pain in my legs'.
and even from these small innocent expressions, some will misread your character, your nature.
2007-12-25 23:12:52 · answer #5 · answered by silver bells 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just mail me the complete story at amangird@gmail.com
As for now,
don't start the story soo dramatically, u must make sure that u r conveying the theme of ur story to others correctly, and hey girl,
KEEP IT UP!!!!
I also started writing poems (in english) (love Poems basically) around in the same age so i'm happy to find "one of my kind" ;-)
2007-12-25 19:48:43 · answer #6 · answered by Agent 47 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
not bad--but at the end of the second paragraph--it should read ...door that leadS downstairs. You left out the "S" in leads. Other than that, it has possibillities.
2007-12-25 19:45:29 · answer #7 · answered by Mike 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad. Personally I'm not a fan of first person stories. I like fantasy-fiction (I write too) but its good.
2007-12-25 19:44:07 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have a talent. This little bit had me going. I was ready to read more
2007-12-25 19:45:55 · answer #9 · answered by chiklets 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that's FANTASTIC! i love writing too and that is just great =D Well done =] xx keep writing =]
2007-12-25 19:42:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋