A waste to repeat the reasons?

Question

I'm 60, my mother, 88. Visiting for Christmas after a long absence, holding her close, she said she wanted to live with me "forever and ever", not comprehending my own disability.

My sister, 65, and niece, 44, were present, who tend her often, living in the same city as the nursing home, but neither able either. She is there for multiple TIAs (ministrokes). My sister and I saw the brain scan showing the damage, when the neuro PhD told Mother she could no longer live alone, nor in an assisted living center; that the areas of damage would cause additional falls, imbalance and impaired memory.

She's remained unconvinced 4 years. The doctors have confirmed that other than the effects of her strokes, she is in perfect health, and will likely live a lot longer.

Repeating what happened when we made this decision, she remembers none of it, nor having ever fallen, saying today she thinks we're "pulling her leg". It breaks my heart. I write her weekly. Keep these explanations?

confused over medication times, had an inhome nurse 5days/5hrs as she continued to fall and confuse mediations. I'm familiar with the heartbreak of similar results with other geriatric illnesses. Anyone who's a professional or has access to one happen to know whether repetition is the only recourse, or a waste? And whether there's an alternative?

She forgets the reasons.

Answer 1

Repeating won't help, changing the answer might. Does she have any idea how long she's been there? It might help to have visible evidence that she hasn't been abandoned. A photo album for more recent memories, well labeled and dated helps my grandpa know that although the house isn't full right now, he's had it full recently. A calendar on display with visits logged on it, a visible phone & address list tacked on the wall might help as well. Just answer, "I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sick too." Short and sweet can be good. Talk about her childhood, and yours, with photo albums if possible.

And try to visit more often. It can make you heartsick as you leave - but you'll feel better when she does pass.

Answer 2

My experience with this is: You are wasting precious time repeating yourself. You can however, enlist the help of your sister and niece, and take your mom out. It is not a prison, but a nursing home, of which she has the priviledge of being able to come and go. You can take her to the movies, (one of my favorite things to do, it doesn't require too much conversation), or out to lunch, or both. The nursing home will lend you the wheel chair. But you cannot continue to visit, and go through the same heartbreak each time. It is not good for you, and will do her no good. If she is too fragile to leave the home, then bring pretty clothes, dress and make her up, and have take out delivered to the cafeteria. We would do this with my dad when he could no longer leave. Just try to come up with some variations, like picnics, etc. And when you write to her, tell her of your upcoming plans, don't discuss her condition or your guilty feelings. Keep everything upbeat, even if you have to fib. Good luck, and God bless.

Answer 3

Been this route twice with my mom and her father. Grandpa asked every five minutes, "what time is it" and mom pleaded to take her home from the nursing home where she had only been for 6 weeks before she died. He called us all by his brothers and sisters names. We answered to those name and became those people for him. I lived 2 hours away from her and she couldn't be left alone while my siblings lived all over the country. So my suggestions for your are:

Be sweet and repeat as often as necessary because patience is its own reward after your mom is gone. You are doing the best you are capable of so be gentle with yourself. You can't be expected to do this. And, lastly, get enough rest...it will help your emotional state as well as the physical. Things are unfolding as they will. You are not responsible for it, nor can you fix it.
You may also want to look up www.caregivers. org.
Take it a day at a time or five minutes at a time when necessary. Mom has lived to be 88 and is a fortunate woman to have gone that distance.
God bless you.

Answer 4

It might help you if you try to remember that due to your mom's impaired memory; that in some ways every day is a new day to your mom. So yes, you may have to repeat explanations-however, I would avoid saying things like "remember that you fell" , or "remember we talked about this"......she may not remember and every time someone says to her that something has already been discussed it might be very frustrating to her. When your mom says that she wants to live with you forever and ever; try telling her that she is where she needs to be right now-and no matter where she lives you love her forever and ever.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Of course your mom's requests to live with you, or to go back home, are heartbreaking for you. One of the hardest experiences to navigate is making decisions for a parent who is no longer able to think clearly.....it is just plain hard and the desire to show respect while insisting that she stay where she is not easy. Try getting in contact with caregiver support groups; their experience and support might ease your mind a bit.

Family Caregiver Alliance
National Center on Caregiving
http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/home.jsp

"So Far Away: Twenty Questions for Long-Distance Caregivers"
National Institute on Aging, U.S. National Institutes of Health
http://www.nia.nih.gov/HealthInformation/Publications/LongDistanceCaregiving/

Answer 5

Mom had alzheimers, we repeated answers and reworded answers, towards the end she babbled without anything intelligible coming out TO answer. It's heartbreaking but a fact of life we have to contend with. Keep a stiff upper lip, my prayers are with you in a very trying time.

Answer 6

It is not a waste of time, you do need a lot of patience to explain it everyday. But I do not mind and they cannot help it.

Answer 7

It's heartbreaking, but she can't live on her own, or with any of her relatives. Don't feel guilty.